Friday, February 03, 2006

Magnum Opus 

I drink. I have epiphanies. I think that must be very common amongst proper drunks. I walked into the house at 3am this morning with a nice toasty buzz and brilliant ideas. And much better ideas than that whacko one about writing without linebreaks or punctuation. That was just the booze talking. This was serious. 2 hours later I found myself sleeping on the couch in the sitting up position with the cat trying to eat my nose.

Very odd cat we have.

So I found myself writing big fancy prose at 5am in the same smelling clothes that I wore as we closed the second bar of the night. It was spectacular. It was going to be my best post ever. If there was a Pulitzer Prize for blog posts, this was a lock. I was painting vivid pictures with my words and it would inspire a new generation of bloggers.

I was a golden god.

The words came so effortlessly. This had never happened before as I usually struggle at anything the least bit creative. It's not really that easy coming up with this much crap on purpose. Next thing you know I have two thousand words down on virtual paper and I think I've made my point.

The booze is my muse!

I save the file on my desktop, shut 'er down and caught a precious 45 minutes of sleep before the alarm upstairs was going to shock the wifey awake so she can bitch slap me awake. I fell asleep easily. I had written a masterpiece.


Fast forward to 9am this morning. I was still feeling the slight fuzzies but nothing major. I had a belly full of eggs and bacon. 64 ounces of H2O down the gullet to boot. I cracked open the laptop and notepad file on the desktop. Time to proof read and spell check my magnum opus. I was already trying to figure how to stay humble after the accolades started pouring in.

And I began reading.

I wretched. I reeled. But I didn't throw up in my mouth. Not even a little.

What a horrid piece of festering puss I wrote! Thank friggin' Christ I decided on sleeping instead of posting immediately. I would have been the laughing stock of all bloggerdom. 14 year old high school girl bloggers who replace "you" with "u", "are" with "r", and use emoticons throughout their posts would stop by just to make fun of me.

I have never once thrown away something I've written no matter the tripe it turns out to be.

Until now. Thank god for the rare sober moment.


Click to enlarge

Last night was a nice little surprise. I was sitting at the bar in my normal position. Booze to left, cigarettes and ashtray to the right, laptop in the middle. Several of those girlie chat boxes going as I multi-task with the bartenders, friends around me, and ignoring the Scarlett Johannson look alike at the end of the bar that's giving BigMike that look.

I was playing some micro-razz, poorly, and I noticed Richard Brodie sitting at a 30/60 (6 max) table so I stopped in quickly to say howdy. No sense bothering the man while he's trying to filet some fish. He caught me off guard when he asked whether I was interested in playing a little $5 HORSE SnG.

"Sure. What the hell!"

The first try to get on the same table failed miserably but Mike happened to already be in there. Another shock was that he started donking like the world's biggest fish just to get rid of his chips so we could get another going. I announced to the kind IRC people of my intentions and we had a nice table with Wes, Mike, Richard, and myself.

How'd I do, you ask? 7th out of 8. Fucking brilliant. I love catching people who don't notice the switch from Razz to Stud. I've done it several times. This time Wes was the lucky recipient of my idiocy. I was telling the guy next to me, "why the hell is he still in this hand!" I'm a moron.

I was very cool and I had a blast. My entire night was a spectacular losing session at Razz, the HORSE tourney, then O8 on Party later while I was sweating Otis da man.

Then the bar closed. On to the next bar with Terry. Then that bar closed.

Shortly after that, I began writing my crap and we're right back here where we started at the beginning of this junk.


I'll leave you with some links for the weekend.

First, check out the very subtle tattoos on this guy. I'd love to have those tattoos sitting at the poker table.

Then they link to another scary looking dude. You think he resisted arrest?

Finally, I normally wait until around the 23rd of each month to post a reminder of the upcoming Bash at the Boat. But this one from Scuba Steve is too good to wait. Check it out here and turn up the sound.


You have until I get back on Monday to name 5 songs from my hair metal playlist. Some pople are really getting close.

I'm off very shortly to baptize myself in my beloved beverage for 3 straight days of binge drinking and smoking. The cell phone will be charged if anyone gets the idea that they need a dial-a-shot from the Reverend Sir (did I just refer to myself in the third person like Bobby?)

Have a good weekend.



Thursday, February 02, 2006

Sober Wednesday..... 

...means shitty post Thursday.

No new stories for you today my friends. A nice relaxing night at home. I played a little poker, watched some TV, and doubled up on my daily intake of low grade pork products. Tonight is booze night. It's the start of a 4 night hardcore bender that won't finish up until sometime early Monday morning. I'm going to attempt to fry myself completely by Sunday night so I won't mind sitting around a bar covered in black and gold.

I'll be online tonight with AIM and Yahoo if anyone is interested in an IM-a-shot from the bar while I'm donking around the low limit Razz tables and dodging non-alcholic beverages. If you have a song request to torture for ScubaSteve, you can get him on AIM, screenname is "attheboathouse"


So I screwed up yesterday. Running a contest where I posted the answer earlier. So StB gets the first 5 dollar bill y'all, but I'm going to keep it up here for the weekend for the second $5.

No one has hit it yet. Badblood, Drizz, and Triplem came the closest. Remember, CRAP hair band stuff. I have Anthrax - Indians in the playlist, other than that it's just guilty pleasure rubbish. There are 80 songs in the playlist. Name 5.


Chelsea, ManYoo, Gooners, and Liverpool matched up against Villa, Blackburn, West Ham, and Birmingham. 2 points between the big 4 clubs. Chelsea and Liverpool both with draws. The Gooners and ManUre go down in flames.

And for the record again... I've been following Chelsea since I was a wee kid. It's not my fault a rich russian oil robber baron tycoon bought the club. If you'd like, as soon as they create a viable time machine, I'll travel back in time 30 years and smack my old man for even daring to get me interested in them.

Can we have the trophy presentation yet?

We now return to your regular crap.


What is the world coming to when truck drivers turn into little "don't show that commercial" wussy boys?

"...the trucking group says the ad reinforces what it says is an unfair negative image about truckers."

It's an energy drink commercial to be shown during the Super Bowl.

Oh the shame.


This is a video good enough to put a smile on a Texans mug. A new piece of American hardware which fires 850 rounds in a minute 45 seconds with one pull of the trigger.


The title of this pic says it all. Guess which guy won't get laid



Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Plans, Mr. Otis, Mongolovely 

Plans are funny things. Sometimes they are a struggle, other times things just fall into place. Take Ocean City MD this weekend for the Super Bowl party. At times I've had up to 20 people staying down there for the weekend and generally it gets kinda tough finding a decent band or bar to hit at night. You know, with it being the middle of friggin' winter at the shore.

This year we only have a half dozen going and things are firming up nicely. We have 3 bands in 3 bars in 2 nights in 2 towns. Crystal Roxx, Love Puppies (Vinny), and Vibe Tribe (Phil's band with the super fantabulous name) at the Rusty Rudder, Fager's Island, Seacrets.

Now if I can just find a super stretch Excursion to take care of those pesky driving problems...

For the Super Bowl I can't believe I'll be watching it in a Steeler's bar. I just threw up a little.

Go SeaChickens!


Absolutely nothing to write about last nights home game. 10 person tourney. I finished 10th.

I fargin' rock!


"She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on...."
That line came from a CNN article about Lindsay Lohan falling or cutting herself. I never finished reading once I got to that line.



Vegas. December. Mandalay Bay.

Everyone remember that great horse named Mr. Otis that we all put a ton of money on and he lost so bad that we never even saw him cross the finish line? Remember how we made the joke that the horse might fall just as the real Otis tends to do (according to G-Rob)?

Buelah Park, January 30th, 2nd race, Number 3 horse. There he is, Mr. Otis. Just waiting for his redemption. Gates open and...


Well, more of a stumble but I can only ask so much. Of course, dead freakin' last again. So far back that they don't even list how many lengths behind he finished.

According to Equibase, "Mr. Otis hopped and steadied leaving the gate, was outrun thereafter."

Thanks to the BoyGenius for the head's up on this one.


The song of the day come from HumanHead. A classic song about love verboten.

Mongolovely. Enjoy.

Since I'm hitting the mp3 player pretty hard with my 80's hair, crap, metal, junk, I've decided on a little contest.

I will tranfers 5 whole American dollars to the poker account of the first person who can name 5 songs in my MP3 hair band playlist. (Landow excluded from the contest since he gave me all this junk).

Good luck.



Monday, January 30, 2006

Dr. Pauly Appreciation Weekend in A.C. 

How's that for a nice sized shot?

Another weekend, another trip to AC. For this trip we had specific goals in mind, and none of them included poker unless something spectacular occurred.

This was a continuation of the Gracie-named Dr. Pauly Appreciation Weekend. We took off for the Jersey shore in the late afternoon hoping to catch him during a break. Lucky for us it was going to be a short night for the good doctor because of the super sats.

We presented him with a nice bottle of Glenfiddich (12 year single malt. thanks to Halverson for the help. I'm a savage.), grabbed Derek for some Noodles of the World (AC Chapter), and watched the head's up battle of the $2500 buy in event. 3 hands, 1 solid player, 1 internet-only player. The internet luckbox was hitting better than CJ could ever hope to and took down over $250K. He asked for the entire prize in cash and spent the next 60 minutes with Borgata security guards following his every move. We put the over/under on him being broke again at 6 months.

We made the decision to head back over to Harrah's for some booze and relaxing. Every place in the Borgata was packed and we knew from last weekend that we could easily find a table at Eden in Harrah's and the entertainment value of the crowd was worth giving it a shot. The crowd didn't disappoint. Even Mr. Handlebar Mustache Dry Humper Extraordinare was there so I could have someone else independently confirm his existence. Truly bizarre.

What's a trip to AC without running into somebody I know completely unexpected. As the four of us found a table far enough from the action to enable actual conversation, I looked up at the band about to go on and realized I knew them. The guitar player was Vinny. An old friend who used to play with Crystal Roxx and one of the writers of the AlCantHang song from over a decade ago.

Running into any of these guys is never a good sign for one's sobriety.

Pauly, Derek, and myself put a fine hurting on their Soco supplies by double ordering every time the waitress came around. I sent shots up to the band. Eva was drinking water Miller Lite and dancing with the ancient guy at the next table. They tell me the lady with them was a hooker but I still refuse to believe it. She was 250 years old, wrinkly in every visible place, and Eva tells me she was asking the guys for $300. I rather her get in the kitchen and make me some pies like my grandma used to instead of anything involving her in any state of undress.

I still get the shivers.

Vinny joined us after his last set and Pauly was able to dig up some old AlCantHang stories from him. I don't think they'll ever see the light of the internet because Pauly is busy. This makes me happy.

After one bathroom trip, Pauly told me "Vinny says you should be dead!" Yes kids, going to the emergency room with a blood alcohol count of 0.46 gets you a couple things. The nickname Al Can't Hang, a ragging ass hangover, and friend's finding out about your near death experience with Southern Comfort.

The second band of the night consisted of three cute-ish French Canadian girls as lead singers. The sound wasn't bad, the choreography was humorous, but it all would have been better if they were topless. I'm sure Eva would agree.

3am rolled around and I think Pauly had enough 'relaxing' for the night. Our bartab was equal to the GNP of Botswana but it was worth it to get Pauly out of the building. We made our way back to the Borgata where things got a little fuzzy. Apparently I was almost mugged at the McDonald's near Caesar's. At least that's what I hear.

Fear the clown!