Friday, September 14, 2007

Paradise in 1 Week, Mid-Life Crisis in 2 

I've got nothing for you today. I blew every bit of creativity out of my head just trying to tie my shoes this morning. There is literally jack shit in my skull and my co-workers must think I've lost it. They walk into my office and here I sit in the dark staring at a blank white screen. I completely ignore them until they just walk away.

Some decide to sit down and talk but I'll have none of it. I'm surrounded by people who cannot go 30 seconds with an unvocalized thought in their head. A running verbal narrative of their life. I'm just going to sit here typing until he leaves the office at which point I'll probably go fire up a random website and surf for pr0n, firewalls be damned.

The rest of the day will be spent day dreaming about Key West, Irish Kevin's, strip clubs, and some fine ass deep sea fishing (grouper or grope her?). Two weeks from today I will go from being a completely irresponsible 30-something to some stupid cliche mid-life crisis 40 year old who's only stated birthday wish is to set the American record for most lapdances at one time. That's a valid goal I say. Drown on my birthday in silicone, saline, and flabby stripper mam flesh.

The week leading up to that fateful day will be spent in silent meditation. That's not her real first and last name. Silent Meditation.

See how I slipped a joke in there? That's the extent of my creativity today. The best of my skills are currently sitting in the bottom of an empty rocks glass.

Just get through one more week of work and I'm off on vacation. I'll probably check in occasionally from poolside if the hookers, strippers, and washy washy girls will stay away long enough. Maybe even Live Blog the Drunk if I decide to drink the deck again. For those newish 'round these parts, on my last trip to Key West I decided to drink a shot for each card in the deck. I knocked back 52 shots in just north of 13 hours, one of my prouder moments for surviving.

While I'm talking Key West and strippers, Cardschat.com is picking up part of the tab as I try lap dance my way to heaven. Some religions have good deeds, rituals, and prayers. My religion involves dancer dust, watered down drinks, stacks of twenties, and pole cleaners replacing the altar boys. Come to think of it, not really that much different than the Catholic church.


Gas tank is really empty. How about another short contest. I started loading up the mp3 player for the vacation. Landow loaded a ridiculous amount of music on my external hard drive when he borrowed it. I just dumped 10 albums from the mp3 to my laptop for my listening pleasure.

First person to name 5 of the albums in my playlist will get a buyin to the Mookie tourney next week. Name all 10 and I'll buy you into both the MATH and the Mookie. That's 37 whole american poker playing dollars at stake.

Contest is limited to everyone not named Landow.


Just a little bit of business to finish up and then off the to bar.

Update: if there exists a person that didn't believe I would be at the bar by 1pm, here is your proof.

If anyone is in my neck of the woods this weekend, the Boathouse will be holding a Cystic Fibrosis benefit with a battle of the bands (and apparenlty a crap load of models). I'll be making it out tomorrow since we're not doing our yearly Bash at the Boathouse benefit. Rock around Philly website for details.

Ex-lawyer, current comedian, and poker old timer. Charles Star (formerly known as Ugarte before becoming big and famous) has a couple gigs coming up next week. Stop by and support him if you can make it out.

I believe the lovely and confirmed boob-tastic Katitude is having her Friday Night Donkament this evening. I've never played in one yet because I'm usually somewhere in my own head. You can't beat a lemur-like $1 rebuy tournament. I've heard it's truly spectacular. Maybe she'll drop the details in chat since I'm far too lazy to look them up.

Next week there are three blogger tourneys for you to burn up your FTP money.

Have a great weekend. I will certainly do my best while Pauly is meeting legends and maybe going to a damn Chelse match.

Tournament: Mondays at the Hoy
When: Monday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $24+2
Password: hammer

Tournament: The Mookie
When: Wednesday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: vegas1

Tournament: Riverchasers Online Poker Tour
When: Thursday September 20th, 21:00 ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: Riverchasers


Thursday, September 13, 2007

We are restless and sober 

Wicked Chops Poker doesn't give a flying fuck if you get arrested in an underground card club. They are here to remind you that shit is against the law.
Sure, illegal gambling laws are ridiculous given the prevalence of gambling every minute in every state in the U.S. Americas, but it's still a law, so it's going to be enforced.
We here at the entities that are ACH fully support the players taking a chance for a little card action.

Writing in first person plural is kind of bizarre. I think we're going to do it from now on. Maybe that whole Gawker mega-pseudo-not-really-blogging empire will notice and we can a job. I We remember when the BoyGenius wrote for Gawker gambling site Oddjack using the "Royal We". It was amusing when he told stories where I we damned well know he was the only other one there. Writing like this isn't easy. So to those who feel it's absolutely necessary to write this way, we honor you with our stupidity.

But maybe now when WE go out to the bar each night and get loaded the stories will sound like it was a group of us here at ACH headquarters falling to the mercies of gravity and not some singular semi-tard with Nelson hair and Meatloaf body.

- We here at ACH would also like to profess our admiration for the WSOPE reporting being done over at Pokernews.com by Dr. Pauly, Change100, et al. I'm sure if we ever had the chance to sit down and have a drink with Dr. Pauly we might just get along. We're going to try to make that happen sometime in the near future. With strippers, lots and lots of strippers.

- We decided to forgo the standard Wednesday drinkfest so that we could fully concentrate on The Mookie. This huge buyin weekly tournament comes complete with the top online poker players and truly stellar play for the biggest payouts online.

We went out early and in spectacular flames. We will speak no more of this.

- We feel it is necessary to finalize the Garth story from this weekend. While he may very well have caused irreparable damage to our guest bathroom, he rallied like a champ. He was up in the morning, filled himself full of french toast, sausage, and bacon, then had a big bloody mary sitting in front of him at the bar shortly after kickoff of the early games.

We here at ACH salute Garth for a fine puke and rally.

- I'm sure everyone will join us in agreeing the Keeley Hazelnutsack is a fine example of feminine beauty. But before that lovely lass came around there was Lucy Pinder. We don't know if she plays poker, dates poker players, or much less likes to be poked but we sure think she's fun to look at.


Writing in first person plural is a Royal We pain in the ass. That's the last time that will ever happen (unless Nick Denton starts a booze blog) and god bless anyone who can do it on a regular basis. But I was bored and have the creativity of a stoned gnat. I'd much rather be sitting somewhere tropical for a couple weeks.

The solid case of the fuckall's started kicking in and that calls for an early afternoon at the bar followed by a late night in the bottle. Enjoy an oldie but a goodie. I love it when strung out strippers send in their pictures.


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Lap Dance Garth > Exploding Garth 

Mystery drunk girl to Garth
It had already been a full day. Garth had his afternoon exercise by running around playing footy and I became exhausted by the sheer number of cigarettes I lit in those couple of hours. We spent some time at McCrossen's Tavern aka The Pseudo-Pub while watching Oregon/Oklahoma stomp mudholes in Michigan/Miami. I drank more beers in the one sitting than the rest of the year combined.

No sense getting all looped up when the sun was still up.

The plan was to catch my friend's band, the very same that gave me the .46 BAC nickname of AlCantHang. Meeting up with Landow we had our first Oh Shit moment. There were two, maybe three, bachelorette parties in full swing plus a girl celebrating her 21st birthday with her friends. The girl-to-guy ration was somewhere in the neighborhood of 20-to-1, a target rich environment for sure fire trouble. Not a damned chance a single one of them was making it til closing time but options were not limited.

We took up our spots with a good view of the crowd, stage, and near one of the parties. The girls seemed to be having a good time, their table loaded up with all sorts of food and two full trays of jager bombs appear. We were in no immediate danger from anyone but I was concerned about the compressive strength of molded plastic. Just my way of being subtle.

We bought them some shots, they asked the silly bachelorette questions. One girl made things very interesting. I only know name was Robin because it was yelled out by her friends, "Robin, get off of him! You have a boyfriend!". This girl was wasted worse then Waffles on a 15 minute bender (and that's wicked pissed) but seemed to be handling herself just fine. She leaned over from her seat and started whispering sweet nothings to Garth who politely gave her attention.

Before long she decided it was time to board the USS Garthmeister for a little free lap dancing. She seemed to be trying to completely fold herself into his body. If you could only see our poor Aussie friend and his wide eyed "what the fuck" expression. By the time I got back from the bar with a Miller Lite to hose her down (no sense wasting the good stuff), her friends had pulled her off and she was sitting with her back to the wall.

Passed the fuck out. Garth certainly has a way with the drunkards. Made this drunk guy very proud.


If I may take a moment out of this story for a public service announcement. This is really meant for your protection.

Belly shirts, those little half shirt things are problematic. Girls should think real hard before letting their friends go out in public wearing one of them. We are laughing. Yes, even this big fat slob of a pig is having a chuckle.

A belly shirt, like spandex, is a privilege not a right. Err on the side of caution. Please.


Coming up next, the great and powerful exploding Garth.

The rest of the night was spent listening to the band as we picked out the local trailer trash. Several times I went up near the band only to see these flapping blobs a mamm flesh which drove me to drink more.

And the shots were flying well. Garth was hanging tough with the shots and beers. It finally came time to roll out as the bouncers gave us no choice. Since our ride had yet to arrive, we were forced to sit in front of the local no-tell motel and listen to Garth's never ending stream of the dreaded drunken hiccups. Maybe passing out would help him out but things were not looking good for the allies.

Home safely, I grabbed some munchies while Garth crashed. I thought all was safe and sound until I heard a thud over my head, pretty much exactly where the upstairs bathroom is located. I had no doubt what was happening but I gave him some time before finally heading up for a checkup.

"No worries mate, I'm just cleaning up a little puke." We've all done it, no big deal. I went back downstairs to enjoy my bagel and bacon sandwich. When more then enough time passed I became concerned enough to go into the bathroom.

Where I saw the most spectacular sight in the history of drinking-to-excess. This was not simply a little puke following a binge. This was massive. It appeared that puke grenades (plural) were set off in the guest bathroom. It would take the CSI spatter crew to explain exactly how he managed to hit 3 walls, the ceiling, the floor, and both sides of the shitter. The color was bizarre, not a color found in nature and stood out on the white bathroom walls. It really popped, the interior designers would say.

Garth shuffled off to the bedroom but not before pointing 3 feet up the wall and saying "hey look, a bit of caramelized onion from lunch".


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Pimpin' and Truckin' 

I'll be back tomorrow with the rest of the story from this weekend. Don't feel like telling shit, fart, puke stories today. Go catch up with Pauly and Truckin'.

1. Monk's Siberian Dream by Paul McGuire
Brain dead. Deep into the sixth day of a foggy bender, I had forgotten the day of the week. Frisatursunday? I’d successfully lost time. The demoralizing result was that my conversational skills had dwindled down to a few muttering sentences... More

2. The Rubber-less Traveler by Brad "Otis" Willis
Breathless, confused, and sick to my stomach, I arrived at the British Airways gate and looked at the departure board. The flight was delayed for an hour. This is how I travel. I run to nowhere to fly to somewhere where I see little, do much, and find myself asking questions like, "Why do they sell condoms in airport bathrooms?" ... More

3. It's Not Like I'm Dishonest; Honest by May B. Yesno
I'm a private investigator. A damn good private investigator. I have a wife, a very expensive wife. She likes the good things in life. We're matched. I like good things too... More

4. Coming Home by B Kemp
Some of my former friends think that she is using me for my money. It doesn't seem right to them that a man my age would "throw it all away," leaving my career for a life of unpredictability and adventure. My old friends are naturally suspicious of younger women wanting to spend their money, rightfully so I suppose... More

5. The Confetti of Life by Sean A. Donahue
I read the love letters that my grandfather sent to his wife. I could see the tears in my grandmother's eyes as she read them, touched them for one last link to him. I shed many a tear today, ones that no one saw, because I left the room before they fell... More


Monday, September 10, 2007

U.S. / Australian diplomatic relations suffer irreparable harm 

"Starting for the Baltimore/DC Eagles, number 15, Garthmeister in his disco finery!"
(I posted from this angle just for Amy and Gracie)

I don't know if I've recovered enough to even begin a writeup about this weekend. Garth was in town for a little game of Australian Football and drunken stupidity. We managed to accomplish both in a short amount of time. The weekend started on Friday at the Boathouse and ended Sunday afternoon where I was so spent that I didn't even care about the Eagles throwing away a game against the fudge Packers.

Somewhere in between Friday and Sunday we fit in a game of footy, beers in a cramped little pseudo Irish tavern in the wrong part of the town (much too clean and close to the art museum to be a proper Irish Pub), and a train ride with a complete nutter. At the bar later that night there were 2 bachelorette parties, one 21st birthday party, half of an impromptu lap dance, and one Spinal Tap-style explosion.

There will be no mention of the trailer park trash that spent half the night flashing their belly scars flabby fun bags or the exact number of drinks consumed. The first is burned into the my brain and the second is impossible to calculate. Our favorite Aussie was in town and anything smelling of drinking responsibility was abandoned the moment a designated driver was commissioned.

My life expectancy number took a big hit on Saturday.

I'll be back later this week with some stories, for now I'm just waiting to see what Garth posts and how much damage was done to his internal body works. He may have done more damage to his body drinking than the entire footy game. I plan to sleep for the next two weeks in preparation for Key West.

2 weeks.


Fire up ye ol' Full Tilt poker for the MATH and Mookie tournaments this week. I'm pretty sure I'll be passed out by time the MATH kicks off tonight but I may have recovered enough to hit the Mookie on Wednesday.

Tournament: Mondays at the Hoy
When: Monday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $24+2
Password: hammer

Tournament: The Mookie
When: Wednesday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: vegas1