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Friday, August 24, 2007

Stupid drunks, stupid poker, more bacon 

There are just some people who shouldn't drink. It was a quick hitter at the bar last night when the trivia contest was cut short thanks to some very bad drunks. When someone pisses off the bartender so bad that I has me end the night early, that's a bad way to insure further drunken times.

The same backwater moron who once challenged me to a silly drinking battle was the main culprit. This guy in one fell swoop cheesed off the bartender by being more obnoxious then normal, arguing with him over drinks, then promptly blew chow all over his bar.

Then tried to get another drink from the same bartender.

Party is over Einstein.

Needless to say I was in fine form when I finally logged into the Riverchasers tournament last night. My head was half full of booze and patience was not in the cards. I flamed out in spectacular fashion but at least I had the chance to vent my spleen on the poor freerollers. I swallowed my frustration along with shots of Soco.

Never a dull moment.

~

Drizz asks a valid drunken question in his blog.
If Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel showed up naked on your doorstep begging for sex...

... which one would your wife let in?
That's a fine question but I feel I must call bullshit. How can you have a post titled "Famous Last Nipples" and no links to said women and their girly parts? Someone has to pick up his slack so here you go. Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel in all their nipply glory.

~



It's the last day to submit your stories for the Bacon of the Month contest. Everyone seems to agree that Mary is going to very tough to beat but that certainly shouldn't stop you. Or from maybe making a bacon bikini on your own with the help of your hot female friends.

I'm only giving you two entries today because they seem like they come from the same person. The first one is from Daddy and one of the entries I was looking forward to. The other was in an email and the person request to remain anonymous. Once you read it you will understand. He tried to out Daddy, Daddy. Read at your own risk.

Here is Daddy's entry. A little porker with big aspirations. As always, Daddy does not disappoint.
Randy calls me "Bacon."
Country used to call me "Buster."

I suppose this is what you'd call my last will and testament.
I'll be dead by Monday.
Finally the one you'll want to skip but won't be able to stop from reading. I'll certainly give bonus points to anyone who can figure out who sent in this lovely story. I'm going to go wash my hands shortly after hitting the post button.
There is, at least there should be, a formal procedure. Most failures here are from shoddy plans. I have to shop for supplies. They have to be organized. I need twenty minutes alone and the right frame of mind. There are some men who won’t come without a finger on the prostate. There are those who need a special fetish porn, the internet causing more spilled seed than any exploding silo. I have a procedure. I cram raw bacon in my ass.

I don’t mean to suggest that I don’t enjoy porn. How can anyone object? But most days I’m aroused by the little things in life. The shape of a calf. The firmness of an ass. The giant cock on a donkey.

I remember the first time I jerked off on my mother’s farm. I’d been watching two pigs, their snouts twitching, small hairs springing almost at random from their scalp, the curled tail so suggestive of a fuck. I was discrete enough. I pulled my dick from inside my pocket. The moment was short. But sou’weeet.

Before long, I’d lost all interest in anything bipedal. It took four hooves to get me off. My first bacon fuck was that same summer. I was too young to properly lube and had hard scabs that itched like hell when my dick went limp and bled when I jerked off. My family noticed my right hand had odd splotches of blood. The shame made me horny.

In 1989, I moved away to college. I went to Arkansas, famous for animal fucking, and studied agriculture. I’d been doing that all my life. I rushed a fraternity, thinking I was already cut out for anything “Greek”. I was disappointed from the start. Shopping in a big city detached me from real life. Living on campus, among all those people, made me feel alone. Plus, I think some of my “brothers” were fags.

In the middle of that Freshman year, I quit school and got an apartment in Omaha. I was closer to the beef. Closer to the swine. Closer to climax again. My hard-on started as a slow growth along my left leg the minute I crossed over from Iowa. My dick was tearing a hole in my jeans before I set foot in the grocery.

I bought 2 pounds of sliced swine and made my way home.

I jerk off. With bacon in my ass. I should win your contest, Mr. Al, because everyone needs to come.
~

Drink well this weekend. Stay safe if it's absolutely necessary. I'll be back on Monday with the rest of the bacon entries ad hopefully some fine tales to tell from this evening's debauchery.

And I've lost the ability to be even remotely subtle.

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

More bacon 

I really need to find a job which allows me to sit around on my fat ass all day and my toughest choice is deciding which local foody shop will receive my hard earned money. There really isn't jack shit on the TV during the daylight hours so thank gods for On Demand and the DVR. I played some poker through out the day but soon grew bleh. I tried the life of a grinder way back in the golden days of Party Poker and god bless those who can do it. You spend all day with 12 tables on your monitor and your willie is going to shrink.

I even backed out of the Mookie at the last moment because I was far too comfortable to even be bothered to pick up the laptop and check/fold my way through. Belly full of food and a head happily empty. Again. Tonight will be different. It's my tournament so I can't exactly call bullshit and bail. I'll be an hour late but the deep stack should keep me comfy. Perhaps we'll have a few other playing from the bar with their drinking shoes on.

See you there.

Tournament: Riverchasers Online Poker Tour
When: August 23rd, 21:00 ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: Riverchasers

~



We have a bunch more bacon entries to get through and we're moving towards the end of the week deadline. I'll probably finish up posting them all by Tuesday and then a decision will be made. Here are the next couple of entries.

~

Gary has entry talking about all things bacon. I'm starting to get hungry again even though I ate approximately 2 pounds this morning.
I'm a bacon lover from WAY back. Way back past 1970 in fact. I'm aware that most of you reading this weren't even alive when I had my first piece of bacon. I was introduced to bacon at the ripe old age of 1.5 years on this earth, WAY back in 1967.

My family was HUGE on breakfast, still are to this day. Home made biscuits, home made sausage gravy, eggs, bacon and sausage were staples at my house nearly every day back then. The wife and I now only eat big breakfasts on the weekends, normally, as I prefer a big, greasy bacon sandwich of some sort from the local "get it to go" place on my way to work.

Bacon, bacon, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Bacon is the perfect breakfast meat in more ways than can be counted.
1. Perfect substance to start your day off.
2. Perfectly flavored meat to go with anything else you might cook for breakfast.
3. The fastest to cook of all the breakfast meats.
4. Most assuredly, the least heartburn of all the breakfast meats.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I loves me some sausage, as well, but when you combine the time it takes to cook the sausage over the bacon, the fact that I also have to wait until the gravy is finished and the fact that the heartburn from said sausage can usually choke a horse, I'll take me some bacon every.single.time.

I am a particular fan of the thicker cuts of bacon. My wife uses a bacon press when she cooks it up and, although the wrinkled up, crispy kind is always a tasty treat, I just love me a big, long piece of perfectly cooked bacon with no ends shriveled up at all. There is an art to cooking bacon and my wife could be called an artiste when it comes to breakfast foods. I didn't balloon up to 290 lbs. all by myself a few years back. Her ability in the kitchen was the main culprit.

Speaking of cooking bacon, there are right ways to cook it and there are wrong ways to cook it and I am going to throw this out there, fully aware that several folks out there are going to have a problem with it. Sorry, my opinion and my opinion alone.

My bacon doesn't have to be perfectly crispy and crunchy every single time. I like it done to the point of almost crunchy. I know that's a personal preference that many won't agree with, however, my taste for the best breakfast meat on the planet loves it just not-quite crunchy all the way through.

Jebus, I've written more about bacon in this post than I've written about poker in the last three weeks. Leave it to the Good Reverend to get us all thinking and writing about something as simple as a breakfast meat and as exquisite as bacon.

Nice hand, Al.
~

Jim from Riverchasers rambles and rambles then does his thing with spelling, grammar, and creative indentations. Everyone loves bacon.
Ahh the pleasures of bacon… you can look back at your childhood and smell Sunday morning. Bacon may quite possibly be the only food in American culture, or the world for that matter that has helped all of us actually acclimate to the many steps in life…

From infancy to toddlership – binky’s, nooks, mimi’s. or pacifiers rubbed in bacon fat to sooth the teething pain junior so experienced… (no it wasn’t rum) Strips of bacon in the morning for breakfast once junior got his teeth…

From toddlership to kindergartens- , Bacon quickly surpassed peanut butter on the menu! School lunch was never better…

From elementary school to Junior high – This is where you probably first heard bacon referred to as money… the only food in the English language that has ever seriously been referred to as money (Your daddy can’t make you do your homework because he is out bringing home the bacon)

Junior high to high school - and just when you though school lunches couldn’t get better. The nuns decide to offer a bacon and cheezewhiz sandwich! GOOD LORD! Lunch every other period please!!!

College – does anything really need to be said here? Bacon was a literal condiment in the frat house, dorm, or off campus apartment.

Other useful uses for bacon – It is believed that by rubbing raw bacon on warts, they are said to go away.

Zoologists in Thailand found that milking tiger cubs directly from a sow (female pig) made them grow faster and stronger than other cubs…
Of course milking from a pig gave the tiny buggers and
appetite for bacon, and what do you know/ bacon worked just as well


Bacon is a great source of protein and selenium…

A single serving of bacon really only contains 3 grams of fat

In the US bacon is referred to as a cut of meat from the hog between the 5th rib and the hip bone. In Europe bacon is referred to as the any side of a flattened hog. Some how it just doesn’t seem the right way to go…

Bacon accounts for over 21% of all pork products sold in the US…

Over $1.8 billion in bacon was sold in 1987

It is projected to hit over 2.83 billion in 2010

Bacon has a 5% annual growth rate of sales in the US… one of the highest of all food categories….

Bacon is the only food that accompanies other foods to improve them… Scallops, Filet Mignon, Fragois, and so on… all of these special, expensive dishes become plain old cheese sandwiches without the bacon added to compliment and improve them…

Another hint… when making pancakes, cook them in left over bacon fat… not much, just a tad as to not soggy the cakes before finished… you’ll be recognized as a genius in the kitchen… as a matter of fact, you can pretty much be certain that cooking anything in bacon fat will improve the quality and taste of the dish…

All of the above is just part of the middle finger that I give to everyone who ridicules my choice to continually eat the greatest food available on the planet today! Health conscious prics!
~

Two more blog posts for the contest also.

First up, Junkbutton has a really great post about bacon connecting him and his grandfather.
I don’t want to make it sound like every new bacon we tried was a good one. In fact, I can still hear his shriek from the first time we tried Canadian bacon.

“That’s not bacon! That’s ham!”

“But grandpa, it’s still pretty tasty!”

“That’s rubbish! Spit it out! We’re going to Tony’s!”
~

Finally today, the post which has the potential to wipe everyone else out of the contest. F-Train's friend Mary sent me an email early on saying she thought of attempting to create a bacon bikini but decided against it. After some encouraging words from myself and BigMike (BigMike quote "if she makes a bacon bikini, she wins")

Dawn Summers tried to scoop the bacon contest but here you go. Mary and the Bacon Bikini. Check out the book.

s

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Day off 

No time to post today. Much too busy ordering pizza delivery and watching multiple episodes of Stargate while relaxing in the lazy boy with a mutt at my feet. Heaven, some would say. If I go after that bottle of Limoncello in the freezer it very well could be. I'd take a picture of the chill dog but he goes from calm to apeshit at the site of the camera. Poor pizza guy is gonna get ate.

I've also spent some time on the virtual felt and catching up on some reading. The one thing that hasn't occurred to me since the moment I woke up was to get this damned site updated. I'll pound out these few words, post up some more bacon entries, then be on my way back to the rough life of the spectacularly lazy. I think I've finally something at which I really excel.

Don't you guys go working to hard.

~



The deadline for the contest is Friday so get those entries in. Since I've received so many, I'll just keep posting them until they are all out there. First up a couple of blog posted entries.

Two from the old men of poker blogging. Otis brings his entry fictional style and definitely one of my favorites.
The period on my sentence fell in concert with a pop, an arc of viscous fat, and a landing that couldn't have been more perfect. Mary-Maggie jumped like she'd been goosed by the devil himself.

Jose yelled, "Order up!" and as I looked from Mary to my two sides of bacon, I couldn't decide which one I wanted more.
The second link is from Dr. Pauly. What do you do when you are floating around Europe and some nut-tard like myself comes up with a silly bacon contest? You go out and create yet another blog. Presently Pauly's Tao of Bacon.



23skidoo reminds us about another fine quality in bacon. A way to remember old friends.
Jerome Wallace was a ripe old boy, talked with a twang in his voice that carried on for 3 syllables. I loved him like a brother though. We'd gone through a war together and I knew all I needed to know about him. See Jerome didn't know a lot of things, but that boy sure knew his bacon.

The Wallace's had a place off Dummy Line Road outside of Thomasville Alabama. Jerome's daddy raised cows, chickens and goats, but the pigs were his pride. Everyone in town called papa Wallace 'Porky'... for obvious reasons.

Porky taught Jerome everything he knew about raising pigs, and Jerome loved sharing his knowledge with me. Jerome told me about feeding pigs for bacon. He was taught to rotate the swine feed to guarantee the best results, he fed them corn, wheat, soy, protein shakes and barley.

Jerome said to produce the leanest and tastiest bacon possible Papa porky would make brine from ground salt, maple sugar, and water from the creek bordering the back of their property. Porky always said it was 'cause of the nutrients, but Jerome thought it looked like plain old water. The pork bellies were then smoked with more maple to soak up the sweet taste.

I can remember his voice, pining on and on about all the cuts and varieties he knew how to make. "Wayuul, yuew got yerself regular bacon, we made maypul, cheeruh, and salt bacon. We mayd ourselfs kenadiun bacun that wus just really slice loin, we got fat back, gypsy bacun, eyetalian pansheetuh, back bacun, and peameal bacon that wee'd piikcle and coat in cornmeeeal. We cut streeky bacon, jowl bacon, hock bacon, cottage bacon, middle bacon, collar bacon, and gammon bacon. Yeep, thats 'bout eet"

I sure miss my friend Jerome, I think about him every time I eat breakfast.

Winning myself the Bacon of the month club membership would bring me close to Jerome again, and it would do it for me every month. I sure do hope I get that chance.

Thank you.
Sean from Instant Tragedy tells us the final tale of Wilbur from Charlotte's.
"It's all that bitch Charlotte's fault that I'm here," he grumbled.

"Now Wil, just go outside and talk to the kids, their not eating their food," she told him.

Wil wanders outside to see his three nephews just playing with their food.

"Now how many times have I told you, eat well and have fun. Don't play with your food. Not many people get to eat this stuff that used to be food in big fancy hotels."

"But Uncle," one child said to him, "I heard they took Henry and Johnny the other day and all they did was eat."

"Nonsense, when I was young I was called 'Terrific' and I'm still here," he laughed with a snort.

"They called you terrific Uncle" the littlest one asked?

"Yes, they did, radiant too. I won a blue ribbon dammit, you don't want to end up in the Wal-Mart Meat section do you? You want to end up on some plate that an Iron Chef cooks up. Dammit, I want your life to be better than mine."

"Sitting here grumping at us all day" the oldest sarcastically replied.

"Shut up and just eat up so you don't end up old and bitter like me. One of these days you might end up on Daddy's plate, or maybe Alcanthang's," he said as he walked away watching his children chow down on slop Mike Rowe just gave them.

"Better eat up so we can just be just like Uncle Wilbur. He is 'Some Pig'"
Cheers, see everyone at the Mookie this evening. I'll leave you with the video below of Jon Stewart taking on NBC's coverage of the Michael Vick story.



(h/t to Awful Announcing)

Tournament: The Mookie
When: Wednesday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: vegas1

Tournament: Riverchasers Online Poker Tour
When: August 9th, 21:00 ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: Riverchasers

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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Another failed experiment 

36 more days like this and we're going to have ourselves a nice little biblical flood to wash all the evil booze away. I blame all you degenerate poker player and amateur porn watchers. If the almighty comes down here and prevents my access to the sweet nectar I'm blaming you. The pretense of being on the wagon is finally over. It was a futile attempt at self redemption that never had a chance to get off the ground. Now I'm just trying to drink like a human being.

It doesn't help when you start getting world class dial-a-shot opportunities that require immediate attention. Two calls from the good doctor himself on his world tour (so far one from Amsterdam and one from Sweden last night) plus the 3 guys ripping the girlie market to shreds in DC, Garth, BobbyBracelet, and the Puncher O'Donks.

So thanks for pretending along with me that I could actually be a reasonable person and act sane for a little while. My liver cries out for sustenance and my brain needs to be numb. This is all leading up to a September which will most certainly be a true test of endurance to the very end. Not a single September weekend is free from the clutches of Soco ending with a week long bender sitting poolside or poneyed up to the bar. October is just a fuzzy thought in the future.

~



A few more entries from the contest. Two emails and one post.

Matt Q's entry on his blog.
"Cook that bacon! No, I don't care if it's 6:00 p.m. and bacon is a breakfast food, you cook that delicious meat right now! No, I don't care that I just ate a 12 course meal and I feel like I'm going to explode, fry it up!"

The following comes from Beau who also brings another interesting blog to your attention. The Bacon Show.
Love the Bacon in Your Life!

Streaky bacon from the belly of a pig. With fatty lengths that I really dig. While cooking you twirl and Dance into a curl, mimicking the rear of an animal so dear.

Francis Bacon was an Englishman, statesman, and writer. He advocated and defended that science was Proper. He was knighted and created the Baconian method, that's not what you think, but I won't be corrected. (*#90 on Michael H. Hart's list of the most influential figures in history.)

Back bacon is lean with less fat than the others. The taste is like Ham caressed in Honey Smothers. Middle bacon is similar but cheap compared. Mostly because there's more fat when they're paired.

Kevin Bacon, an Actor and Scholar. Within 6 degrees of Him, you can give anyone a holler. Footloose and Tremors are his Noticeable Flicks, he also sings with his brother on three separate discs. (Unfortunate part in Beauty Shop)

Cottage bacon is just like it seems, it's meaty and round, so great for frying. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner is when I am buying.

Bacon's Rebellion may not be well known, but Jamestown remembers Nathaniel Bacon as one of its own. He rebelled against government but to little solution, he won and he lost but died in confusion. (*"Bloodie Flux" and "Lousey Disease" Suck)

Jowl bacon made from the hanging low cheeks. It can be cured and cooked and smoked for weeks. You wait till its done to taste the meat, its worth every second, or hour, or Week.
I CAN'T WAIT, SEND ME THE MEAT!

Bayne makes a straight email appeal from the husband/father of a health conscience family. Poor guy. Turkey bacon, the horror.
Al,

The sad and pathetic reason that I should win the prize is simple. I love bacon, but I am an overweight MARRIED man. I also have a 12 year old daughter and quite frankly I pity my future son-in-law. My wife occasionally buys "turkey bacon". When I buy bacon I am subjected to a litany of health benefits of eating said "turkey bacon" over REAL bacon from wife and daughter. Daughter will search out her index cards for how many grams of fat there is in my delicious bacon. Tuesday morning I dropped my wife and daughter off at the airport and I stopped at grocer on the way home to buy bacon, bagels and beef that I may enjoy and must consume removing all evidence within 9 days or I will be subjected to an almost vegetarian diet for weeks upon their return.

Thank you,

Bayne_s
~

Cheers and here's a pic just for Hoy and the other flickr disabled.

Tournament: The Mookie
When: Wednesday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: vegas1

Tournament: Riverchasers Online Poker Tour
When: August 9th, 21:00 ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: Riverchasers

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Monday, August 20, 2007

I Like Drunk Girls 

I was meeting Jim Thursday afternoon at the bar to talk some Riverchasers business and generally be standard degenerates. Apparently Jim doesn't get out for some proper drinking that often. We were minding our own business. Jim is pouring scotch down his throat at a mildly impressive pace. We were throwing cards in the air and having a grand old time when 4 girls of the drunken sorority crowd walked up to the bar to order a round of jager bombs. I'm used to seeing these young drunken stupid cuties walking around on a Thursday evening but Jim got a little flustered.

When I suggested he pick up their next round of jager bombs (they had a bit of a problem with simple math) he readily agreed and I offered to broker the deal. Jim's grasp on English seemed to be slipping and it was the least I could do. I toasted with the girls and let them know Jim was more than happy to buy their next big round of shots when they were ready. I pointed over to Jim to let them know who their benefactor was and they smiled over. "Thanks" they chirped.

Jim, without missing a beat and sounding exactly like someone on the short bus, slurred back to them...

"I like drunk girls!"

And they were never seen again.

~

I realized recently that I'm a little late in a book review. Rudy Stegemoeller sent me a copy of his book Dead Money: A No Limit Poker Mystery for a read. I finished reading it several months ago and apparently got caught up in the BBT and recent vacation plans. That my only excuse for not posting my review.

I've never been a big fan of sitting around and reading poker books. I've read all the theory books I can get my hands on but it felt more like class work then reading for entertainment sake. Dead Money is a read just for entertainment. It's a murder mystery written by someone who actually knows the game of poker. The story is set during a poker tournament in Massachusetts with the main character being a lawyer from NYC who's had some bankroll issues (how many lawyers do I know in NYC?). The places, tournaments, and people are all fictional but obviously based on real places and players. Rudy obviously spent his time in the poker rooms and around some of these shady characters we've all seen in real life.

The story is well told and interspersed with realistic poker action. That is a nice change from a lot of recent works trying to tie poker into their stories because poker is "now". Dead Money is a good read and worth picking up when you are finally full of sleepy boring poker text books.

~



The entries for the Bacon of the Month challenge are starting to pour in. The deadline will be this coming Friday. At that point I will link up every story and pick the top 3. At that point I'll let you guys vote who gets a monthly supply of top shelf pork product. This week I will link up one random story that was posted and paste one here that was emailed. Here are the first two.

Chilly makes a direct appeal - click over to read the rest.
"I am a fat kid and bacon makes me happy. Everyone likes to see a fat kid smile. Won't you make my dream come true?"
StB sent his entry via email and went down the haiku path.
Bacon juice dripping
Pretty pink pool on the floor
Wrong to lick it up?

Thick cut, Applewood
A God among meat cutters
Patrick Cudahy

Bacon done frying
Tastes great but now it is gone
I am so sad now

Many meats to choose
Sausage, Ham, Steak, Chorizo
Bacon is breakfast
Still plenty of time to get your entries in and try to get in on the fun. Shoot me an email or post in your blog then link it up. Thanks to those who sent in entries already. I have a couple with are going to be really tough to beat.

~

Plenty of bloggers tournament to get you going this week. I'll try to hit as many as I can between fantasy football drafts.

Cheers

Tournament: Mondays at the Hoy
When: Monday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: hammer

Tournament: The Mookie
When: Wednesday. 10pm ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: vegas1

Tournament: Riverchasers Online Poker Tour
When: August 23rd, 21:00 ET
Game: NLHE Deepstack
Buyin: $10+1
Password: Riverchasers

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