Saturday, January 06, 2007

Hammer Temp 

It's 2pm on January 6, in the year of Hammer 2007. Winter.

72 god damned degrees here in the 'burbs of Philly.



Friday, January 05, 2007

"Dead Pool" for bloggers 

"Are you fawking kidding me?"

Fuel55 gets Hammered. I fine start to The Year of the Hammer. Wonderful stuff, really. Nothing cocks up your whole session like getting busted over the head with the powerful deuce seven. As pissed off as Fuel was, I'm betting weak_player was doing the hammer dance thinking about the joys of dropping it successfully and knowing he was going to get a Fuel-induced hammer hand history.

Well done sir, now don't go getting pissed off when someone drops it on you.

Does anyone really care about how my grinding is going along? Nope. Neither to I care to mention it. I'll leave the big time poker dreams and ambitions to others. Everyone else can shoot for the one big pay day and the spotlight. Mother Variance is royal bitch. Long term success > short term glory, someone brilliant once told me. Actually several players have pounded that into my head. 2 years isn't a poker career, it's one session.

And how about a sense of humor for christ sakes, is that too much to ask? Let's just see how laid back some of you are. In the spirit of F-Train's Dead Pool, I'm going to set up a similar one for poker bloggers. The Poker Blogger "Dead Pool" to see who everyone thinks is going to go broke first in 2007. Kind of demented you say, fucking a. It will be very tough to document though. We all know poker bloggers are not the most forthcoming types for reporting when Mother Variance rides them bareback without the common courtesy of a reach around.

So it's just for fun (and to see who's smart enough to put themselves on the list, 'cause EVERYONE goes broke). Comment with a list of 5 poker bloggers you think will go busto during the year and we'll see who wins. Also, SirWiffleWaffleBall doesn't count in the dead pool. He's just a blackjack player who likes to play poker and it would be too easy to pick him.


Now let's see who's got the stones to not take themselves all overly serious. If your feelings get hurt, suck it up, it just means everyone else thinks you suck and overrated. Get over it.


It seems that the Good Ship Pokerworks has captured gathered a large group of bloggers to fill their blogroll. Congrats to Linda and good luck to my friends.

Amy Calistri
Auntie Maudie

Of course, Iggy was the first to move over (after a dubious ill-timed obituary from me) and has been uber-posting ever since. Unfortunately I won't get to read much of their stuff. I do my blog reading while sitting at work and pokerworks is blocked from here. Maybe somebody will wake up and turn on their full RSS feeds so I can read along with the rest of the world.

When oh when will a big ol' blog come along that deals strictly with drunk, fat, head bangers who play poker poorly? I think I might be the perfect fit for that site.


Good luck to the guys heading in different directions across the world to cover poker tournaments. Pauly is heading down to the Land of Garth for poker and a vacation. He'll be hanging with Tool and Brandon who's on his tour of the Far East. Otis is sitting in monstrous Atlantis resort for the PCA event where hopefully he'll be reporting on the final table appearance of Scott.

Good luck all, enjoy.

Til Monday, go check out the real writers. Pauly has a new issue of Truckin' up and running.


1. Merry Ethan by Paul McGuire
When I was done with my public display of urination, The Rooster stood in front of the bar with Ethan Hawke who smoked a cigarette. That's when I yelled out, "Yo Ethan, who's better in the sack? Winona or Uma?"... More

2. By Mennen by Otis
I can't remember where I read it, but for some reason I believe that Adolf Hitler was so concerned about potential body odor that he went to extreme measures (I think it was surgery) to alleviate perspiration. Of course, I may be making this all up... More

3. Pulling a Dawn by Dawn Summers
She cleaned up the spill with paper towels and soap-soaked sponges and carefully picked up every piece of broken glass. Well, almost every piece. She apparently missed a shard that had slid near the fridge, but her bare heel stepped up to the plate and snatched it right up when Dawn went to get some butter. Dawn said some bad words as she left bloody heel prints from the kitchen to the bathroom... More

4. Reunion by Doog
For the first time, Sean noticed the evidence of years' passage on her face – the small wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, the youthful freshness lost from her skin. She was no longer the perfect girl he remembered from ten years ago, but she was certainly a very beautiful woman... More

5. The Tulsa Incident by Sean A. Donahue
I had to alert the authorities, I had to let them know that something shady was going on here, something wasn't right. I slowly started back toward my car, careful not to make any noise as I passed the men's room... More

6. Shadow Boxing by Nick Cantwell
We met in a Deli. I'd just finished training.
I spilt her coffee as I squeezed my big ass past her table.
I bought her another one.
She asked me what I did.
Boxer I told her... More


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2007 offsuit: The Year of the Hammer 

I'm going to have to agree with Pokerati Dan today. Not sure how this one slipped through the hazy brain but he has named the new year for us. 2007 offsuit: The Year of the Hammer. I remember back in the infant days of these little poker blogs when Grubby would run his regular hammer challenges. He would reach into his mystery bag of goodies and award them to anyone who could successfully drop the Hammer on unsuspecting fishies during the course of their grinding. They had to comment to the table that they just had the hammer dropped on them and forward it to Grubby to collect their bounty.

These days you're hard pressed to find any table with a blogger or reader and not see the hammer dropped with pride.

Times, they are a changin'.

I have some thoughts running through my mind for another Hammer challenge but this one will be a little more difficult than Grubby's original one. My brain is too clear at the moment to my thoughts on the challenge. That will have to wait until the next bender which should be shortly. Possibly by the time you read this.

I am finding one odd side affect of the new year. I thought it was just some weird quirk from being back to work for the first time yesterday following a really long bender. But "it" happened again today. I walked into the crap-atorium here to get my normal fill of all types of pork products, just like every other day for the last several years. For the second day in a row, I found myself filling up a large plastic container full of...


Actual honest-to-god, good for you, sliced, diced, and whole fruit.

There's an apple and a peach sitting next to my laptop waiting for lunch. I think I've finally found a way to surprise myself.

This just has to be some weird fad, right? Maybe my body is just craving something non-fried, non-pork, and (gasp) non-alcoholic consumption. I always drink a boatload of water on a daily basis, that's just part of the hydration process that goes along with the diet of a proper drunk. But fruit? I think I may need an intervention and very soon. Really, I can't even feel my liver complaining these days.

Maybe I'll just wean myself off the fruit by starting with a big watermelon spiked with grain alcohol. Then slowly move on towards fruit flavored booze like Absolut Citron or Three Olives. That should move me back to the good ol' booze laden, pork filled stuffs that I know my body really wants.

Any suggestions on getting off this foul and unseemly intake would be appreciated. My body might explode if I keep putting healthy stuff in it.

At least I'm still smoking a pack a day, some things just don't change.


Until I figure this all out, hopefully I'll see you tonight at the return of The Mookie if I'm still alive.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Another lost day 

Check that hand out on the right. That was the very first hand I was dealt in the year 2007. We were hanging out at FatAssBob's house and didn't start playing until after Dick Clark slurred the countdown for the New Year and the massive string of Happy New Year text messaging died down. JDub correctly called the hand when I reached for the camera to grab a picture. "He's either got the rockets or the hammer." Everyone folded pre-flop and I had already mis-played the my first hand of the year.

I realized that my phone had stopped making any sounds and found out why when I flipped it open. It was dead. Dead except for the memory error on the screen that I can only assume came from the 5000 plus text messages I received within 30 seconds of the new year. I managed to fit in dial-a-shots with Sean, Dr. Pauly (live from SanFran), and the Blogfather shortly before the ball dropped but the phone was dead for the rest of the night/morning.

After the game broke up in the wee hours, I made my first decision which would cost me. I could leave with Lewey and be socially responsible or stay at Bob's and drink with JDub. We all know how that turned out. The sun came up and there we sat. JDub killed multiple cases of beer and I killed another poor half gallon of Soco. The sun was playing it's part as God's flashlight shining down upon our weakness. Rumor has it that JDub passed out on the floor somewhere in the house while I stayed up to watch Invincible and eat whatever french toast his wife pushed under my nose.

Some time around 5pm on January 1st I hit the bed for the first time and woke up in just enough time to make it to work this morning. I still feel a little slow this morning and I can't really explain why my legs feel like I ran a marathon yesterday. I think I'll never figure that one out and JDub thinks it might just be in my mind.

Now that the new year is here, I expect the navel gazing will be replaced by posts about New Year's resolutions. I never do those silly things. Why should a change of the date make me do something to improve myself? But in the spirit of all things retarded, I present my resolutions for you my friends.

I will drink more, smoke more, and make sure I kill as many brain cells as imaginably possible.

Just for you, I will make sure I get back to posting pictures from our nights out like I used to present on this here crap pile. I seem to have gotten out of the habit but I will improve. Landow already has some nice pics from last Thursday that will need to make it up here eventually.

There, that should be short and shitty enough for you to handle now. Go home, hug your favorite bottle, and get to know them just a little bit better. Life is too short to go through sober.

"I feel sorry for people who do not drink. When they wake up in the morning it is as good as they are going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra


Monday, January 01, 2007

It's 3pm... 

...of the first day of the new year. I seem to have decided not to sleep during 2007. Who says you need to be in vegas for a 24+ hour bender and I just lost 500 words worth of a crappy, booze-induced, sleep-deprived, post.

til I get it back, here's a Holiday greeting for you.

Once again I have to ask myself whether or not it's good to be able to feel my pulse through my eyeballs. What a life I lead.


Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year, Good Riddance Old Year 

Image courtesy of Caucci who felt bad that I couldn't get girlie pics for you.

It's been a fantastic week for my mental health. With the web server going down I've avoided any temptation to read, write, or even browse around the various sites I would normally be checking out. I've become unplugged and it's feels great. I even let the battery die on my cell phone without even a casual thought about re-charging it.

I hit the perfect storm of party opportunities for the last several days. I've run into old friends and set some new standards for ridiculous good times. Dial-a-shots before the phone died, drunken donkey poker, late nights, and early mornings.

Back in the day before the poker boom, I used to run 70-80 player tourneys on a regular basis at the Boathouse. There was one guy there who we got to know and apparently he's turned into a fine poker player. We ran into Matt the other day at the bar where he was buying drinks and pouring them down everyone's gullet. He also mentioned to me that he just happened to the be TLB leader on Absolute Poker. No shit. He went from ACHE tourney winner to pro online player. I'm still looking for my cut. Before long he had me making phone calls around to local bars looking for specific booze requirements and off he went. Hit and run booze fest.

Later that night I ran into Phil the Blogfather Savior who was playing at a bar with old friend Richie from Crystal Roxx. The same guy who gave me the AlCantHang nickname over a decade ago and wrote the song that went with it (and seems to have been lost from the website so no linky). My mishmosh brain remembers that they both played the song I haven't heard in several years. The guys wanted to be me and the girls wanted to be with me. Not really, because I was half in the bag I might have misread the signs. No one really wants to be me.

My friend Brad is in town from the frozen Drizz land and we're going to do our most to fit a couple months of missed drinking into a couple days. Hospitals have been alerted and his wife has the divorce papers reading to sign. My New Year's Eve will probably consist of alternating shots of Soco and Limoncello, drunken lemur poker, and trying to keep ourselves vertical until at least the new year.

While I lot of people are taking this time of year to contemplate their navel, I'm just going to write that entire thing off. I'm with my man Otis. I absolutely cannot wait for the year 2006 to be a tiny speck on the rear view mirror of life. Good fucking riddance. Let's go 2007!

I hope everyone has a safe but fun New Year's Eve. I plan to run this shitty year out in my typical style of stupidity. Maybe there will be something to take a picture of. I hope your new year comes out better than your expect and bring you success and happiness.

Cheers my friends and I will see you in the New Year.