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Friday, November 03, 2006

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup 

Click me

In another chapter of the "Don't do as I do" book I'm writing inside my demented mind, I give you last night. Actually let's start with right this minute.

I'm writing this with two monster bacon loaded sandwiches sitting next to my laptop. This is the first thing I've eaten since the sandwich I had for breakfast yesterday morning. 24 hours, no food, only liquid yummies. Sure, you can lose a shit load of weight this way, but I can't think it's terribly healthy.

Back to last night, it was supposed to be low key. Instead it went from...

9pm, hanging with Landow, having a shot or two, winning Quizzo, trying to avoid the painfully obnoxious girl, making an early night of it, playing some Razz with Gracie and WaffleDoodle, a dial-a-shot with Veneno, to all of a sudden...

It's 3am, a dial-a-shot with Matt Maroon, a completely different bar, BigMike has replaced Landow, I'm pretty sure the shot in front of me included a huge chunk of pineapple, and this strange non-verbal girl had a large collection of my hair in her hands trying to do some fancy braided monstrosity.

Do these kind of things happen to everyone else?

The braid girl was an interesting development. I don't remember her actually sitting down next to me. The bar was empty, about to close, and I had been talking to our friend the bouncer. Next thing I know there's this brunette chippy sitting next to me begging the bartender for any kind of shot and not really getting the words out in passable english. I guess she decided since she couldn't habla properly she might as well not talk at all. A series of grunts and hand motions made the bartender realize she wanted their weird fermented pineapple drink and somehow I ended up with one in front of me.

Now you know I can't eat that pineapple because that would negate the entire "starve yourself to death or a smaller waist" diet that I've become so fond of.

Then all of sudden she's wrist deep in my unruly mop of hair and before I could say "pardon me ma'am, but could you please remove your digits from my scalp" she's got a fucking half braid down my head and making more caveman type grunts in my ear. I might have considered it a come on if not for the fact that there was a bit of drool coming down the left side of her mouth. Al don't do drool.

Then she sat bolt upright. Like the fucking mothership just summoned her.

Right out the door she went.

Don't pass Go, don't collect $200.

And I was stuck looking at BigMike's back as he missed the entire thing while he protected Terri from some knuckle dragging conspiracy theorist. No clue what just happened.

Several hours after that I find myself sitting at my desk ghashing on some bacony goodness, extremely loud Pantera through the headphones as the only hangover cure I care to recognize, and trying to rationalize my very existence.

Yeah, you don't want this life. Go home, hug the rugrats and knee biters, kiss the wife, logon and play some poker from the comfort of your couch. Don't be me. It ain't all strippers and fancy destinations. Booze and boobs are just the shiny things everyone wants to see.

Sometimes you just have to deal with the wackos, drunks, obnoxious, fart knockers.

~

This whole post was delayed by my hungover ass getting caught up downloading Clerks wav files and old Styx songs off the interweb. So easily distracted.

~

Two days til the auctions end. Chop chop, get with the bidding.

Poker Table signed by over 30 professional poker players

Greg "Fossilman" Raymer Package - includes autographed fossil, t-shirt, and PokerStars tote

Autographed Mike "The Mouth" Matusow basketball jersey, XL

The Real Old Testament DVD

Oh yeah, and Three chuckleheads in your home town.

Cheers, have a weekend.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

John Kerry and Karl Rove sitting in a tree... 

"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
Will Rogers

"Nice work, Johnny boy. You should be getting your "thank you" note from Karl Rove sometime next Wednesday morning."
Otis
I rarely write about politics or religion. I certainly don't think I have any great insight and who the hell is going to listen to a guy who spends most of his time in the bottom of bottle smelling of stale nicotine.

But John "Swift Boat" Kerry is pissing me the fuck off. The man couldn't mange to beat a walking talking meat puppet for President two years ago and now he's looking to screw up the close congressional elections. Leave the shitty joke attempts to the ones who know how to deliver them.

We've got our own walking talking douchebag in Pennsylvania, Herr Santorum. The lowlife, bigot, hate mongerer is so close to getting his walking papers and now Kerry gives him spectacular material to scare the crap out of the mouth breathers who will end up voting for him.

Some Democrats in tight races who planned on appearing with (John) Kerry changed those plans.

A Democratic official said Bob Casey, who is trying to unseat Republican Sen. Rick Santorum in Pennsylvania, canceled a scheduled appearance Wednesday night with Kerry in Philadelphia.

"I would be surprised if you see him welcome out there anywhere and certainly not in a race that is meaningful," the official said.
- CNN

Is it possible that John Kerry is actually on Karl Rove's payroll? Just a couple of days to go until you can exercise you voting rights. Get out there and vote. Vote them all out. They betrayed our trust, get them out. One final link, interested in knowing exactly how many days your representatives spent in session this year? Here you go. I need that kind of schedule.

That's about as serious as I'll get in this corner of internets. Remember, we won't get Frist'ed again.

~

Sorry for that. Don't know what got into me. How about something really serious?

It seems that Mike over at Second City Saint was able to track down the mystery that was the Donald Duck / Christina Aguilera picture (and I know damn skippy it was at the top of everyone's list of cares in the world.)

It's a fake but one hell of a Photoshop jobber. Here are the real and fake pictures side by side.

I have to say I'm disappointed that it's fake. Now my faith in humanity has sunk even lower.

~

Last night I played the Mookie with even less than my usual 5% concentration. I was happy to see 2008 Presedential candidate MeanGene take time from writing his top selling novel to join us as well as BigMike playing from his graveside.

I barely had time to register that NewinNov wasn't sitting out any longer before I was sent to the rail in two hands. I'm an idiot. Luckily the rail was already occupied by some of those players who are much better than myself. The Mook is always a good time and I have a blast. I suppose I owe another picture since we had some more big names show up. Here you go.

And to clarify for Chilly, The Mookie tourney is each Wednesday at 9pm Central. See everyone next week.



~

Trust me when I say I have no desire or talent to do proper poker tournament reporting like Pauly, Otis, or Spaceman. I can't imagine doing what they do. But don't you think someone would give myself and BadBlood a call when a tournament like this pops up? PokerProf or DanM get on the phone? Nothing. Scott Ian and Vinnie Paul at the poker table, wish I could have been there.

ZZ TOP star DUSTY HILL, GODSMACK's SULLY ERNA and KISS guitarist ACE FREHLEY are among the celebrities who will literally play the world's poker kings at their own game in Las Vegas on Thursday (01NOV06). The rockers will deal with poker professionals PHIL 'THE UNABOMBER' LAAK and ANTONIO 'THE MAGICIAN' ESFANDIARI at the VH1 Classic Rock 'n' Roll Poker Tournament. VINNIE PAUL from PANTERA and ANTHRAX's SCOTT IAN will also face off with the experts at the Flamingo Casino's Second City Theater. The tournament is being taped for broadcast and will be aired early next year (07).
~

Did this post make any sense at all? Didn't think so.

Cheers my friends, for now. Don't forget about the upcoming DADI X tourney.




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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Price keeps rising, Mook numbers up, more NSFW pics 



Didn't he lose?
If you lost to Dubya, wouldn't you be ashamed and keep your trap shut?


My usual early morning routine got a bit of a shock this morning when I decided to check out the eBay auction and saw a little battle going on between Otis and Gracie. All for the tiny privilege of having some degenerates show up in your home town and ravish the country side. Will Otis gather his G-Vegas posse to pony up his bid? Will Gracie sell her plasma to catch G-Vegas?

Who knows, but I think you guys have issues. You have actually seen us before, right? We're complete knuckleheads. At least Bobby and DP are fun to look at, I'm just a drunken pile of hair on a bar stool.

I wonder who else could be in the running but are sitting back waiting for the proper chance to pounce.

The NYC boys could make an interesting run. Half of them are either lawyers or crooks with a ex-lawyer comedian thrown in for good measure.

DanM could make it fun. I know he doesn't run the stripclub poker game anymore, but I'm sure he could point us down the right road. Maybe an Austin homegame since I missed April's birthday, throw in the best cleavage in poker, and who knows what would happen.

While we're talking about the Austin bloggers, I think a nice revival of the Austin / LA blogger rivalry would be great. Bidding war between the two would drive the price to 4 digits if they wanted.

Either way, I'm floored that we're getting this kind of response. The three of us will try to live up to the hype. Please leave your daughters at home away from the other two and the easily drunk away from me. A ride to the hospital is not included with the winning bid.

~

It's been half a day and no one has been able to prove this Donald Duck/Christina Aguilera photo to be anything except authentic. I've found some details but can't believe that even if it is fake, Disney didn't go completely ape shit about it. I wonder if I should expect another cease and desist letter like the one I received from Mr. Axel Rose.

~

Hey, did you hear yet that our own Spaceman may have his regular gig of reporting tournaments for Bluff online picked up by the official WSoP site? Damn it then, go check him out. Click click click on the WSoP link. Send, push, teleport traffic there. He's one of the good guys.

~

Tonight is the weekly Mookie tourney. Last week he didn't hit my oft spoken goal of 80 players but he did have the world famous Otis involved. I allowed him to count for the last 20 missing. Instead of 80, I'll set another goal. 5 more than last week and I'll keep the German gorilla under wraps for another week.

In the spirit of good will and the belief that we will hit the number, I present my top 5 web hits for NSFW pictures. These pics get crushered from the googlemites.

Phoebe Cates - Perfect after all these years. A classic.
Lindsay Lohan - aren't her 15 minutes up yet?
3500 Watt Generator - go figure this one.
Nikki Hilton - and her merry paint job.
Jessica Alba - the see through picture.
Maria Sharapova - bonus picture.

There you have it, don't disappoint or else I'll have to bring out the big German chick again. Big numbers or big names.

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

We interrupt this blog... 

This isn't about poker or booze or navel gazing.

But someone please tell me that this picture of Donald Duck and Christina Aguilera has got to be fake. It's gotta be, right? If not, how the hell did I miss this on the evening news.

NSFW picture of Donald Duck and Miss Aguilera right here.

SFW pic apparently from the same time. Who knows.

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I have my friend's respect 

"Who the hell would bid on you?"
My friends, about the eBay auction
That's the response I get from any of my friends when I show them the eBay auction. Other comments from friends, "that's just crazy" and "I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the lousy photoshop job or the fact that you own a Ryan Moats jersey". For the record, it's a Troy Vincent jersey and I know that doesn't make it much better. One of the best comments came from The Blonde in an email concerning the application of Bobby's anatomy that I've completely erased from my memory.

Garth got a quick jump on the bidding and is trying to discourage everyone else early but I think the Blonde just might sneak in there with a good bid. The three of us could be heading off to the chilly Jersey shore for some gambling, drinking, strip clubbing, and she'll have three guys at her beck and call. I could think of worse ways to spend a weekend.

Maybe we could get a nice bidding war going on. There has to be somebody out there not completely covered in body fur that would be interested in having Bobby Bracelet grace their presence. Besides, you never know what random things can happen when we're around. Here's a random list of people I think should put a bid in...

Chilly - I was nice enough to pull the eBay dick move and out bid him at the last moment for the last auction. He deserves it and I haven't been to The Loo in years. Maybe make up for posting the anonymous email yesterday.

Gracie - Just because I know Bobby and DonkeyPuncher can roll her home game while I pretend to play while flirting with Gracie. Naturally I will have gotten sweet sweet Pablo loaded on Soco as a distraction.

JoeSpeaker - Because being the ugly guy out of the three isn't nearly as much fun as being the ugly guy out of four. Besides, it must get tiring having the dump truck of money back up to the house every week.

Sean - The 3 of us, one drive time DJ, and Hooter's. I'm sure they have a time delay for broadcasts and DonkeyPuncher will keep his hands on the outside of the horrible orange shorts. And I got the link right!

Pinky or Div - As much as Bobby says otherwise, I think he'd dig a trip across the pond for some proper football and pubs that close at midnight.

The Blonde - Jersey shore, Borgata, Delilah's, big boobs, booze hound, desperately horny. That sure sounds like a winning combination.

Update: I should have known the second I don't put G-Vegas on this list, the auction would get popped up. Otis my man!

Please stop by the ForPeyton site and check out these other auction items.

Poker Table signed by over 30 professional poker players

Greg "Fossilman" Raymer Package - includes autographed fossil & t-shirt and PokerStars tote

Autographed Mike "The Mouth" Matusow basketball jersey, XL

The Real Old Testament DVD

Thanks for bidding.

~

Don't forget about tomorrow's Mookie tourney. We're freerolling with the girlie pictures for this one because of Otis, don't make me start my strike again.




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Monday, October 30, 2006

eBay auction of the year and Anon emailers 

I had a fantastic weekend. Brilliant, in fact. I threw off the cloak of irresponsible drunken buffoon and settled in for some serious CantHang family time with the 'rents and rugrats. So good in fact, that I'm keeping it to myself. For now. I'm about to crush the 2,000 word limit on a post I'm writing for someone else that's not so brilliant and will be much tougher to find than you'd think.

I do have a couple of things to hold your attention for just one more millisecond. Bobby Bracelet has the final round of eBay charity auctions up and running. You may find some of them interesting. Check them out here and you'll see a very interesting first auction item.

Bid for the chance to have BobbyBracelet, DonkeyPuncher, and myself show up to your neck of the woods for some poker, drinking, carousing, and general merry making. Watch Bobby and DP work there magic on your local women as they swoon in the presence of their greatness. Me, I'll be sitting at the bar with you popping back ridiculous numbers of shots until we find out exactly where that tolerance level of your can really go while avoiding the dreaded karaoke or megatouch machines.

Bid early, bid often, and hopefully the winning bid will be from somewhere interesting. DonkeyPuncher probably REALLY needs to get out of the house right about now.

~

Second thing is sure to offend. I have an anonymous emailer who I hear from every couple of weeks with the occasion ramble/rant. I usually don't bring them up because they last about 3 sentences before he peters out and gets boring. Twice he's come up with a gem. The first I posted in February which got Milwaukee Steve's knicker in a bunch. Well, I've got another one that's sure to bring about many nasty comments to my site and email folder.

I have no idea who the emailer is. I've tried to figure it out and have a couple clues but I'm not going to out anyone on a guess. It's not Daddy (not rude enough) and it's not a local (they would actually know how to spell my name). If the emailer would like to come forward, feel free.

Read. Discuss. Forgive. Reprinted with permission.

Dearest Alan,

Always a pleasure to correspond. It gives respite from the chattering women and prattling TV noise. I mean, I'm no sexist, but it's fitting that the most annoying people on TV are almost always women. Nancy Grace anyone? Who stepped on Rita Cosby's throat? The only thing worse is a woman from Pittsburgh.

My wife has this friend, and my wife doesn't have many because women hate women more than men hate women, who embodies the central flaws in women as a whole.

She's chatty, as in, she talks ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She has a 20 minute rant about every topic every day. As a rule, I don't care what she thinks about anything.

She's critical of her husband, her other friends, and her own goddamn life. The woman thinks her husband is an "elitist prick" and her other close friends are "stupid" and blah blah blah. I think she's a fat cow.

Oh, and..

She's fat. Now, seriously, what good is a fat chick? We let you work, we let you vote, now get on the GOD DAMN TREADMILL!

Sorry to digress. I hope life is treating you well. Mine's great. I still have a job and the wife puts out on a semi-regular basis. I'm not working at it so hard these days, but I still get off so everything's good. I'm not sure why these letters to you always de-evolve into bitter hateful rants, but since I've uncorked the Genie :

I'm playing Internet Poker while I write this to you. I have to click over to fold a hand every few minutes. I've played the virtual cards almost nightly since a cetain douchebag Tennessee Senator decided to make me a criminal. You might think I'd have a beef with Senator Fuckface, but dear friend, you'd be wrong. I have a serious problem with 54% of the single celled organisms that show up and vote. Someone took away your right to gamble? Hey troll, THEY TOOK HABEAS CORPUS! And you're surprised?

But the real reason I write you, dear Alan, is because of this shittastic World Series. I think a lot of people are surprised to see a team that played the worst baseball in the major leagues slide into the big series. Actually, that almost describes both teams. The Tigers, at least, allowed very good Twins team to catch up. The Cardinals just suck.

Worse still, we're all subjected to repeated skyline shots of America's two least attractive cities. I've been to both. I saw a game at the old Busch stadium. I spent a week working in Detriot in March. Hard to say which is worse. They both have one thing in common, fat unattractive women. Plus, the men in St. Louis are all drunk on shitty beer and their own "famous" brand of pig on a grill. Look Midwestern douchebags, if you're famous for sticking a barnyard animal on an open fire and coating it in sugar, you may not want to brag.

Both cities suffer from industrial decline. Both hope casinos will turn the economy around. At least the gamblers the casinos attract will be a higher class of human than the revolting, waddling natives.

I hope both teams lose. I hope a giant meteor spits in the Earth's atmosphere and turns both cities to rubble.

Fuck. I hate St. Louis.

I try to ignore Detriot.

Your Truly,

Anonymous Friend.

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