Friday, October 06, 2006

The Return... 

... of the infamous AlCantHang / BoyGenius email thread posts. It's been awhile since we've done one of these and they are a sure fire way to keep me from doing any actual work today.

Update: BG seems to be having publishing issues. This thread is up to date. Last update at 3:30pm


Friday, 845AM

Alabaster the Hirsute,

So I was watching the Philly six o'clock news last night, and a story caught my eye. Apparently, on the advice of a Vatican sub-committee, the Pope has decided that Limbo no longer exists.

Forgetting for a moment what this might do to broomstick sales and at least fifteen minutes of every wedding DJ's repertoire, the idea of Limbo is a 1500 year old tenet of Catholic belief in the afterlife and it's interesting that all it takes is bureaucratically-derived advice to fundamentally shift mythology.

Limbo, if I remember my CCD brainwashing from years past, is where unbaptized babies go to live on the fringes of heaven. You can't get in to heaven without getting spritzed by a priest (or at least that's what they tell the altarboys - hey now...), but complaints from the masses centuries ago had Vatican scholars deciding that an unbaptized baby didn't deserve the pit of hellfire like a thirty-year-old Jew or Protestant who should have known better. So the babies almost got to go to heaven.

In their "man on the street" reaction to the Pope's decision, an elderly man said this was a good thing, as "Limbo wasn't fair to all those babies."

Way to go Pope! I'm sure it inspires goodwill and confidence in your brand of Christianity to know that an elected official can change the nature of the afterlife with a simple decree. Now all those little baby souls get to go to heaven. Yay Pope!

Frankly, I can't think of a more absurd thing than a shift of fundamental mythology with a 1500-year history based on a committee recommendation. So last night I gathered my top advisors and bid them to put together a Blue Ribbon Commission dedicated to finding an issue on which I can hang my hat in the next Papal election. I narrowly missed landing the coveted Papacy last time, as I think my platform of "Free Pizza Fridays" was an ill-advised plan that was opposed strongly by the powerful seafood lobby whose long-held monopoly on Fridays was impossible to overturn.

So I've got my committee working behind closed doors looking for the appropriate wedge issue for my next shot at the pointy-hatted throne. They're going to need some help though, so let me ask Mr. Al... Any ideas for us? If you could suggest a few core beliefs and truths that I could use my power to simply wave away with my ornate sleeved forearm, my Blue Ribbon Committee would appreciate it.

I eagerly await your response,


My name is Boy Genius, and I approve this message.

Friday, 930am

What a nice little surprise in my mail this morning. Perfect timing because I've decided to go on strike at work and do nothing but read shitty hand histories and find out what the hell is going on around this little globe of ours. Seems now that I'll be spending some time wiping away my hangover by writing meaningless prose about various and sundry topics.

You realize it's been well over a year since we last did an ACHE/BG email post? August 2005 when I whooped up on your ass in our "Fantasy" hottie draft.

So you need an issue to help get you the coveted seat and a direct link to the god of your choice...

My knee jerk reaction was elimination of the DH rule in baseball, hockey fights should be best out of 3 falls, random drug tests in the middle of basketball games, and other sporting issues. You may have noticed from watching the Philly news that there's a bit of a football game supposed to be played here this weekend. I'm not quite sure. But I'm thinking you want something a little more on topic and my other choice, "elimination of all organized relegions" kind of defeats the purpose of you trying to get the big pimp pope hat.

If you want a belief or truth to just simply wave away, how about every religion belief that they are the end all be all and everyone else is wrong. They are right, you are wrong. Get the hell out of my head, my bedroom, my internet connection, and my soul. If I want to believe that I can drink my way into paradise, who are these fucks to tell me any different.

So let's start with that big one. Everyone take one big step back and take a close look at yourself.

More importantly, do you think you could ship some aspirin and Gatorade down here soon? I'm sporting a world class hangover and the usual bacon consumption did nothing to help.

Cheers my friend, hit me back.

Friday, 1010AM

Aluminum, My Foil -

I've always found a Wendy's Frosty is the perfect hangover cure, but that's just me. Not that I've been profoundly hung over at any point in the recent or not-too-recent past, and come to think of it? I haven't had Wendy's, Burger King, Taco Bell, McDonald's or Kentucky Fried Chicken but once since landing in the Greater Lehigh Valley. I'm not really sure what to think of the proliferation of mom and pop pizza joints around here, but the fact that they're able to distract me so far from the easy out of chicken nuggets or quesadillas is a positive thing I'd think.

I'm currently quote-working-from-home-quote, and on TV is the Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon classic album special. Pretty cool stuff. Despite Roger Waters' often ham-handed attempts to turn social commentary into seventeen-minute epic soundscapes of obtusity and the plodding consistency of their dedication to slow tempo (seriously, find me one Floyd song in their entire post-Saucerful catalog that has an upbeat pace. Just one.), I love the band's sound. David Gilmour's guitar sounds like what a guitar is supposed to sound like.

I'm fairly fatigued by Floyd at this point of my life, having been a huge fan in my teens and avalanched by their hits for two decades on classic rock radio, but it's absolutely undeniable how clean, consistent, well-produced and just plain listenable Dark Side stands. I've got to figure it's a top five album from what I'll call the "Classic Rock Era." Interestingly, while I can (and will) give you a top five list of albums from that era, I don't really know where to draw the lines around this "Classic Rock Era."

If we let what they call "Classic Rock radio" draw the lines, we've got a narrow band between the rise and fall of Zeppelin that encompasses the whole of the arena-rock giants of Boston and Journey, but not much else. I think we can instead look at what spiraled up into a Woodstock-pinnacle, then devolved into the late-70s singer-songwriter Eagles stuff. Naturally, there were plenty of threads that ran paralell and through this fabric, but I want to find the starting and stopping points of this whole idea.

For me, I'll guess it starts with the Stones' "Satisfaction," which took itself more seriously than the Beatles had to that point, and ends with Michael Jackson's Thriller. Not disco, Thriller.

Anyway, top five most important albums of the "Classic Rock Era:"

(in no order)

1. Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd - Brilliantly produced, every note, every idea in the right spot with the right sound. Probably no other album in rock history gets this close to being perfect.

2. Music From Big Pink - The Band - More accessible songwriting than Dylan at the time, was easily the album that ushered in the era of the singer-songwriter aesthetic the Eagles absolutely dominated.

3. Who's Next - The Who - Songs from the failed Lifehouse project spelled out the youthful alienation thematic with crashing sonic soundscapes better than any album had to that point and probably since. It's pre-punk. Moon and Daltrey provide MVP performances.

4. Revolver - The Beatles - Everything great pop music could be, one would only wish more bands aiming for commercial success would use it as a template.

5. Led Zeppelin II - Arguably their signature album, it's really the structure of hard rock and metal to come. I'll let you contest that point if you disagree, but without Zeppelin II, you've got none of that three-chord thrash metal you love so much.

Got any objections here? I've gotta toss this back your way before I go for another 2000 words...


Friday, 1100AM

Mr Genius, I think we have a first. That might be the first music related post where we are in absolute agreement. All 5 are top o' the world and I particularly love Dark Side of the Moon and Led Zeppelin II. Those are probably top two on my list right off the top of my head but I might move Music from Big Pink down a little. Give me side 2 of The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and you would have my top 5. Side 2? Do you think the whipper snappers will get the reference to big ol' pieces of vinyl spinning on a turntable?

You won't care, but they fit in the time range and I'll throw you my 'harder' top 5 with little to no commentary.

1. Fair Warning - Van Halen
2. Let There Be Rock - AC/DC
3. Pyromania - Def Leppard - it came out the year after Thriller. Sue me.
4. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
5. Led Zeppelin II - I like it so much it gets on both lists.

At this point I almost feel compelled to list my top 5 jazz albums but that would be like tossing you a softball.

I need your assistance. There was an earlier email thread going around that I want to get out in the public so that you and both of your readers can help.

With all this low life political bull shite going around these days, I jokily made reference to the potention MeanGene / AlCantHang 2008 Presidential campaign. I think he could form a fine dictatorship goverment that works for the people and not against them. Besides, we'd have BigMike playing Karl Rove for us and we couldn't lose. BigMike could sell a pork sandwish to an Islamic Sheikh. (oh settle down)

Here's what I have so far...

Scott as the Secretary of Defense. It's time to restore faith in the men from Texas.

Dr. Pauly as the Secretary of Agriculture. Once we legalize the maryjoewanna, imagine the resource he'd have to grow some stop shelf shit. The doctor is indeen in. For the record, Pauly has requested to become the ambassador to the Netherlands.

Wil Wheaton as the Director of NASA. Ensign Crusher, engage!

I have others but that should get the ball rolling. Pick anyone from around the blogoweb and justify them.

Hit me!

Friday, 1246PM


Well, today has just turned into a fucking travesty of the first order. I decided to quote-work-from-home-quote today, and can be 100% responsive to any issue that could cross my desk, and it's all gone downhill from there. First, when I'm out of the office I route my desk phone to my cell phone, which gets great reception in my house... except for today. Reception died at 9AM, totally unbeknownst to me. Then I find out that a dead phone doesn't mean messages piling up, it means callers get a "call cannot be completed" message.

You know how I found this out? A panicked supplier on a program I'm babysitting today couldn't get me and escalated her call (which was about bullshit nothing that could have waited until Monday) to my boss' boss' boss' boss' office, a full five levels higher than me. They called my home number just as I had diagnosed the issue and gotten calls rerouted to my home phone.

So that would solve my problem, right? Routing calls to my home phone? Yeah, that would work fine and dandy except that I use Vonage and my godfuckingdammitsonofabitch Internet connection decided to start going up and down about fifteen minutes after I had my calls rerouted.

I put some fucking pants on and now I'm in the office. It's on you to post whatever bile is seething off my fingertips to the world today, I can't do it from here.

I'll answer your question shortly, but did you know it takes my work computer a full seven minutes from when I push the power-on button to be usable? It's true. By usable, I mean Outlook and three MSIE windows loaded up and on their proper pages. Seven. Full. Minutes. How am I not supposed to throw this thing against the wall today, especially considering all that has happened to spur my frustration to this point so far?

So when I become Pope (see above), I'm going to enact some serious workplace rules. All of these things are totally fucking sensible, and wouldn't cost the companies a whole hell of a lot to implement. Here are the first five in my WORKPLACE BILL OF RIGHTS:

1) Voicemails go greeting/beep. No automated operator before or after the greeting. Greeting/beep. Callers get twelve seconds to record, and all messages are indexed via a caller ID function that allows you to harvest a return phone number via logging in to a web page. It'd be impractical to save all messages for playback via the web, but that's where we'd be moving with this idea.

2) Companies issuing computers to workers will be mandated to offer their employee an opportunity to forego $5 per paycheck pre-tax in order to upgrade the RAM in their machine at cost.

3) Companies must add five days of vacation time to everyone's ledger, and must match at least half of their total vacation balance with telecommuting ability if there is no additional cost to the company to do so (they don't have to buy you a home computer, for instance).

4) Middle-aged women who work in the HR Department must be tested and positively placed on some sort of IQ-Test-esque creativity scale before they are given responsibility for planning things like company outings, seminars, "spirit weeks," or communicating policy through slogans and banners.

5) Corporate spam filters should be tuned up to catch any email that simply says "thanks" or "thank you." If you're going to use a huge footprint email program on my machine, at least have the good sense to weed out time wasting bullshit like this.

Sigh... anything to add?

By the way, I don't know about putting poker bloggers in power, but I do know this... Once you're in power you should commission a study on the intersection of bad luck and wee Asian men. I think I know who we can use for both the test subject and the control group. Hot girlfriends/wives/fiances count as good luck in Phil's column, no?

Yours in Anger Today,


Friday, 142PM

That certainly sucks a fine pair of hairy donkey testicles. I'd much rather be home working in my skivies two tabling some Razz against the fishes.

I have one major workplace complaint that is pissing me off big time today. All Hallow's Eve is right around the corner and the hallway is flush with various kinds of chocolaty goodness. Until the asshole cleaners showed up last night to clean the offices. Oh how they cleaned up.

All the chocolate is gone. The only things they left were some bizzare flavored lifesavers and one pack of smarties which I instantly crushed up and snorted like a sugar junkie.

They should all hang. Every. Damned. One.

"...By the way, I don't know about putting poker bloggers in power.." What? You think we would do a WORSE job than what we're seeing now? The main issues to tackle... Personal responsibility (the real kind, not the political buzz words), National Security (Kill 'em all and let god sort 'em out), and free booze Friday's with all the Soco you can drink. I'm pretty sure I'll need to prioritize that list a little better. I'll let MeanGene take care of the tough stuff. I'll tackle the hard hitting issues such as strippers and poker. And strippers playing poker. Imagine the fact-finding missions I could take!

I've been cruising around looking at random pictures that were uploaded in the last several years that I haven't cleaned up. For no reason whatsoever, here's 5 random pics I found on my servers.

Joaquin singing in Vegas - classic spontaneous blogger gathering moment
Becky says hi to BG - when you can't get them here on your own, get the girlies.
Iggy in Vegas - the first ever published picture of the blogfather.
Otis at work at the WSoP - no comment needed.
Bash at the Boat 8 - interested in next year now?

Here's a softball for you, list me your top 5 "blogger gathering" moments in history. I think I can narrow mine down to just 5. Barely. In no particular order...

- Brad-o-ween 2005 and the Drunk Olympics. BadBlood entrance music, Dr.Jeff (I think) taking down BigMike in the eating contest, Otis cheating on some throwing game involving bottle caps, and Derek retains his title as King of the Puke and Rally.

- Vegas, December 2004. The first and best. Stretch Excursion Limo, death metal at 9am, G-Rob seeing his career flash before his eyes, signing autographs outside Sam's Town, and WHIPLASH!

- Bahamas, January 2005. Me, you, G-Rob, and Eva make a completely irrational decision and fly to the Bahamas on two days notice to suprise Otis at his first PokerStars event. He was suprised and so was a very scared Isabelle Mercier. Bahamian Gaming authority still have warrants out for our arrest. "I swear to christ, I own a bar on (name any island)" - G-Rob line.

- Los Angeles, January 2005. Also another trip made on two days notice only one day back from the Bahamas. I sold shares of myself on E-Bay for the Commerce event ala Dutch "Tool" Boyd for $3.30. I almost sold out all the shares. I ran into Bob Golic before he descended into a haze of booze and bad radio.

- Bash at the Boat 7, September 2006. The mother effing bloggers made this event. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. People are continue to come up to me and tell stories about things that went on. Y'all some freaky fookers.

How's that list? Tell me what I missed.

Then get back to work you slacker.

Friday, 234PM



Come on, you've got something to bitch about with a few "fun-size" Snickers bars disappearing? Puh-leeze. How about this? No less than ten minutes after I sat at my desk today, this trip into the office totally precipitated by my cell phone losing all signal today, said cell phone REBOOTS ITSELF COMPLETELY (I didn't press a thing) and restarts with four bars.

I want to kick a Nextel CEO in the junk.

Anyway, aside from the January 2005 LA trip, I was in on all those shenanigans and would simply replace your LA trip with our other one. You remember, Hugh's house? Yeah, I'm thinking "The Manch" needs to be somewhere on that list, but if the amber likker's blocking your memory receptors, I'll let it go.

Apropos of nothing, author David Rakoff was asked by Jon Stewart last night what it would take to take over Canada. The answer on this one is easy... Bisquick Embargo. If they've got nothing on which to pour their maple syrup, they'll cave in a matter of weeks.

I'm going to one-up your "best blogger event" list by narrowing it down to "memorable moments on blogger trips."

1. Last meal of the day after an all-nighter, an 8AM dinner/breakfast with Spaceman at the Golden Gate Cafe in (I think) June 2005. First time we had met, felt like we had known each other for years. Plus, it wasn't the least bit uncomfortable with those extended silences you have after 29 straight hours of travel and gambling culminate in a chicken fried steak. Good times.

2. You are a sick, sick motherfucker.

3. Another burnout late-night meal, this time with Matty, Pauly, and Duggle in a Kentucky Waffle House. Even a dirty pregnant toothless pear-shaped slob of a waitress shouldn't have to put up with THAT.

4. Railbirding my boy Nate who went on to win the daily poker tournament at the Plaza with Geek and Spaceman. Nate played on instinct and didn't do a damn thing wrong at the final table.

5. Poker at the Boathouse Bash in 2004. It feels like the thing that kinda set everything else in motion from there.

Crap, have I really had this on my desk for 30 minutes now? Ugh, if we're going to get one more volley in I'll have to get this back your way. Here's my question back to you to close out our session... If Superman didn't bother with the secret identity, and wasn't getting paid for his efforts in a law enforcement capacity, what would he do to earn money? I totally have the right answer on this one, but I wanted to get your take first.

And no, I'm not thinking "porn." There's only so far you can take that "Man of Steel" shit.

Sincerely and appreciatively,


Friday, 315PM

Now Mr. Genius, what on earth would make you think I forgot about the trip to the Playboy Mans with the boys. I left that one as an easy get for you. Plus, I'm still no 100% I was actually there. I think my hangover from that trip ended just in time for the Bash to get here. Nothing could be that weird moment when we all found ourselves on the front lawn on the opposite end of the grounds from the party. Everyone just seemed to materialize at the same time and the security didn't even give us that much crap.

You ask If Superman didn't bother with the secret identity, and wasn't getting paid for his efforts in a law enforcement capacity, what would he do to earn money? BigMike's first reaction was "Demand protection money from various countries." You're my boy, blue.

Does it have to be legal? I suppose he could probably be the best damned hit man ever. Or a collector for the mafia. Dropping a man from the edges of space would probably make a considerable mess. Seriously, who's gonna fuck with this guy? I'm not thinking you're gonna want to be late on your protection payments when the collector has the ability to drop kicker your sorry ass to the other side of the planet with a full orbit on the way.

I'm interested in your answer so I'm going to shoot this back to you quickly before you leave your wonderful office.

Friday, 339PM


Superman?!? Taking protection money?!?! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think our greatest superhero would want to do an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.

That's why he'd build roads.

Seriously, you've got a guy who can work at super speed with super strength and with heat vision and cold breath to boot. If he had a crew skilled enough to keep the raw materials in front of him, he could carve ground and lay asphalt turning twenty miles of two lane road into four lane highway overnight. He'd absolutely break the curve on this one, construction crews couldn't possibly keep up.

I've put far too much thought into this.

Anyway, tell the people what we're likely to do tomorrow, and then take a stand... Are you more excited for the dinner or the new Scorsese?

Signing off, I'm going home...


Friday, 345PM

That's gonna wrap it up. This weekend should be a good one as I'm joined by the BoyGenius for some hijinx.

Saturday afternoon college football
Saturday evening dining on all things Cajun and Creole
Saturday night with Martin Scorsese and The Departed
Saturday night (later) BOOZE!

Cheers, I hope the 3 readers enjoyed.


Thursday, October 05, 2006

Da Mookie 

"When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get."
Matt Groening
Not much going in my little corner of blogoworld. Writing tech docs is about as exciting as you'd imagine but absolute torture when you can feel your liver pulsing with each and last heartbeat. Rockstar my ass.

I actually took time out from work and have about 500 words written to finally end this silly little "poker blogs are dead" debate. It's a fine piece of post drunk/pre hangover mindless stream of consciousness where I don't think even the 130 pounds of fury can argue with me. And who'd want to anyway. You can never win an argument with a drunk unless his name is Steve and he's talking about the Cowboys.

I made the command decision to log in to play the weekly Mookie tourney. These guys rock and remind me of the good ol' days when we poor bloggers had to play on crappy Pacific software with the other 20 bloggers for no other reason that to talk a shitload of smack and drop the newly infamous Hammer on the unsuspecting. Plus the Mookie offers an excellent opportunity to smack SirWaffleBrickHouse around in the chat and try to get him banned again. Good times.

I haven't a friggin' clue where I ended up placing but I had a blast. It can get a little distracting playing from the corner of the bar. First there was Kiki and her friend. Any of the Bash attenders remember Kiki during the charity tourney? I'm very disappointed I haven't seen one picture of her from you degenerates although I suspect Gavin might have a camera picture or two. Trying to play a little poker, they walk up and want to do shots. Here's Kiki and her friend. Here's how they distracted me.

YOU try to play suited connectors out of position when this is going on behind you. You'll excuse me for misplaying the occasional hand, won't you? While all this was going on....

I did this to poor Budohorseman. A terrible cracking of Aces with the ever popular 6 card straight. I was shortstacked and moved in after his min-raise. Oops. Naturally WiffleBall was extremely impressed with my ability to know when a good sack load of suckout cards are going to hit. That's just they way he rolls.

Is this thing on?

So for the next week I'm going to end each post with this plea. Get thee to next week's Mookie. I told him to look for 80+ players and I'm going to put a bounty on my head. Taking suggestions.

Cheers for beers.


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The frog is your government rep... 

Can you beat my score? (and yes, I'm getting ripped to the tits at the bar, what are you going to do about it?)


Exercise your right to play... 

I'm in!


Chicken Little... 

"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under."
H. L. Mencken
The sky is not falling, at least not at the moment. It may seem that way as you cruise through the lonely halls of the internets, finding blogger upon blogger holding the knife to their belly ready and willing to commit gambling hari kari.

The sky is not falling because the faith I have in the faceless people of the internet to find a way around/through/over this problem is inversely proportional to the lack of faith I have in our current government. Will things change? Absolutely. But if you didn't know change was coming down the pike sooner or later, it is time to get your head out of the sand. Everyone standing on the great soap box of "license and regulate!" should understand that would also come with changes in how your online gambling poker experience would be.

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
I get the feeling around the 5,000 blog posts about Herr Frist's chicken shit move was that people seemed surprised that this kind of thing happened. This isn't the first time some low life politician has attached something to a bill which had nothing to do with the original act to be voted on. When they know something will not pass on a vote by itself or they know it will break down if it gets properly debated, our pussified representatives tack it onto something that they know will pass. Politics as usual. It's not a Republican problem or a Democratic problem. It's a politician problem. This one that smacked extra hard and just happened to come from the man who wishes to become the next president of these United States.

Speaking of Frist, he's also the same flaming douchebag that has suggested allowing the "women are objects" - "gang rape is a reasonable punishment" - "kill all the christian converts" - "backwards living, 10th century loving" Taliban crackheads to be part of the Afghan government. Fucking brilliant.

My money is still hanging out in various online poker rooms. I will continue to put my horrible skills on display for the world to see. I will never go back to play on Party Poker which is unfortunate. I made a lot of money in their vast Omaha8 fish pond but I am disappointed with their early cut and run decision. I will support the Poker Player Alliance and the other poker sites which are sticking around as long as possible. I will continue to worry about my friends whose sole income is from the virtual tables and my friends who work for these companies. This can't be a fun time for them.

The sky is not falling, my invisible internet friends. It just feels that way and the sky might eventually fall. Some sites will run, some will stay, but we will always be here. The silent majority that has been far too silent. Now you know what you have to do. If this wasn't a wake up call, I don't know what is. I stand with my friend Scott and his admonition, "..when the Senate Majority Leader says shit like this, it's time for all of them to go. Every. Single. Incumbent." Vote them all out. Every damned one.

Then we can concentrate on more important issues like why the hell are the Iraqi insurgents all of a sudden pissed off at Kevin Smith of Dogma fame. Buddy Christ hates Islam.