Saturday, September 02, 2006

Tournament results 

Thanks for everyone who came out and played in the satellite Thursday night. We had 41 players and quite a few railbirds chasing us donkeys around. Congrats to Captain Fink for taking it down and getting a seat in what's sure to be a crazy messed up game. Below is the finishing order, let me know if I missed any links.

You will note that I actually made the final table. I was a card rack early than donked them all right off to SoxLover when I got distracted by a group of girls with a shot for me. I thought I had my flush made and was mistaken. But I did get a free shot out of it and I wasn't going to be able to play in the Gavin game anyway.

I'm going to try and update more this weekend but Ernesto is making our broadband connection very sketchy.

Cheers, and thanks again to everyone.

1. Captain Fink
2. Atomicslug
3. Morgan00
4. Cashguzzler
5. riggstad
6. Fishiswa
7. bucknellmike
8. on_thg
9. AlCantHang
10. TripJax
11. UpForPoker
12. Katitude
13. SnailTrax
14. Maudie
15. Hold_me333
16. DrPauly
17. misogynist
18. JoeSpeaker
19. peacecorn
20. GamblingBlues
21. ScarKnight
22. NightRanger
23. OtisDart
24. asphnxma
25. BobRespert
26. BDM3
27. alea_iacta_est
28. Kameelah
29. NervousNellie
30. summer_babe
31. tmcmenamin1
32. DakotaKen
33. millerd3
34. Onager01
35. HignOnPoker
36. Isamu Noguchi
37. randymilonakis
38. Drizztdj
39. hungerfan
40. ccrobyn
41. Boof_Diggety


Thursday, August 31, 2006

Give til it hurts... 

"Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing."

Full Metal Jacket
That line has been running through my head for the last two days. A pretty tough tongue twister at 2am with a head full o' booze. Here's the audio file with the quote. Out-fucking-standing indeed.

Now what are we going to write about today? How about we discuss your plan for the near future. There are some excellent opportunities coming up to spread your poker wealth around for very fine causes. You know you can afford it. Look at one of the ads on your blog. Unless you're a live blogging writer with a fake doctorate, or a midget Guinness chugging house frau, or an ex-award-winning-TV-Journalist, don't you think you might be getting overpaid? I'm definitely overpaid for this piece o' crap blog.

So here's how you can re-adjust your karma...

First up, take some of that Full Tilt booty you get once a month and spend $25 tonight on the Gavin Charity Satellite. Even if you're not coming to the Bash and win tonight, we'll let you pick a blogger of your choice to represent you in all things poker and drinking. Maybe even make them live blog it from the boathouse for entertainment value. My prayer is that somebody wins and designates MrWhipple for the Gavin game. JoeSpeaker would go on perma-tilt.

Now that you've signed up for tonight's event, you still have $25 left of your ill-gotten gain. What a coincidence, the Mookie just happens to have a charity tourney on Full Tilt coming up. Complete with prizes, bounties, and money added prize pool. Go ahead and do it, it'll make you feel good.

Which is the line I use to get the girlies to do the shots.

See, that's not so tough and you'll still have 3 buckaroos to drop at the micro-razz table after getting shitfaced on cheap ass beer.

On September 7th, the day after you win the Mookie charity event, you can take that money and wander over to the Texas version of the April twins and help her out. She's doing a 5k walk for Asthma and raising money. There is no way in hell my fat ass would ever walk/run 5 kilometers for anything other than a half gallon bottle of Soco resting in the arms of a deaf-mute virgin supermodel with a hankerin' for some fat hairy hippy lovin'.

If you still haven't gotten the karma back in gear, drop by here and check out the "Life's A Bluff" Comic auction which features the one and only Felicia.

Piece of cake. You help out some great charities and you feel better about ripping off your advertisers.


The previous post was brought to by the fine makers of Southern Comfort, Marlboro, whoever makes those little urinal cakes, and my blatant disregard for spell checker.

Where have you gone ScubaSteve!


Anywho, my mind is warped from the constant bending of the bender and it's only going to get worse. I'll be playing the tourny tonight from the comfort (ha!) of my bar stool hoping to avoid distractions. For shits and giggles, I'm actually going to attempt a live blog experience similar to the horrendously bad St. Patrick's day post.

Cheers and I hope to catch you tonight.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Beats the hell out of me what I'm doing... 

I'm in one of those moods. This could be a rambling drunken mess that gets a little chuckle or it could just end up on the business end of the recycle bin. Last night I had a great time for no particular reason. I can't point to one thing or another and say "fuck yeah, that was fun", but rolling out of the second bar at 1am, I was a happy fucking camper. It started with our annual fantasy football draft at the boathouse. That went all and good until the manager came down and said they were suddenly a team short in their 12 team league, would we like to fill in?

Sure, BigMike and I say we'll team up. So with two minutes notice to learn the new leagues rules and scoring system, we start draft number two. Wonderful. Luckily my good friend Soco was keeping me company yet we managed to not completely mangle the draft. Did I mention that we were the 12th pick in a 12 team league? Brilliant. But I knew all would be well when a guy took Brian Westbrook with the 5th pick. Just make that check out to BigMike.

So 6 hours and 36 FFL draft rounds later, we decided to hit up McKenzie's and watch the morons throw cards around.

And that was it. Nothing spectacular but I was in a top notch good mood. Try 'splaining that one to me.


I come rolling in here, grab my daily heart clogger and water, pop open notepad, and start writing. Then I get distracted. I'm easily distracted by shiny objects and by objects, I mean blogger/internetwebby shit.

First off was The Commish with random ramblings about the Emmy's and such. I see he mentions Katherine Heigl's rather ample frontal region and since I've always been a 'big' fan (old pics still there), I decided it was time to update her picture database. And that's where I found that picture on the right and I said "hells yeah". Geeks stay away from the goat, Ms. Heigl is more than welcome though.

It is rumored that Ms. Heigl once said, "If I see another geek flashing the horns, I'm gonna punch him in his vagina and take away his Commodore64." Not really, but that would be pretty cool.

Then I remember that I owe a post about the do's and don't's (wha) of throwing the goat and started looking through my drafts. Not only did I find that post, but I also found the long lost post I promised Heafy. My dissertation on the beginnings of hair metal. It's 10,000 friggin words long and will probably never see the light of day.

See, hangover + work apathy + bacon = easy distraction.

I proceed to stumble across BadBlood's random 5 songs every heavy music fan should know. His post started when Jestocost mentioned a Killswitch Engage version of Holy Diver. What else could I do but download his 5 songs and present them here for your consideration? (right click and Save Target. 35 megabytes of ear bleeding goodness.)

My plan is to set the individual record for most hyperlinks in a non-pimping post.

Next stop was finding that TripJax wrote a post pimping all things Bash related, including a spank worthy new banner. You know, Gavin is a good looking man, but he's got nothing on Clonie.

That got me thinking. DanM (the M stands for the Man), King of all things Pokerati, is going to try and make the Bash this year. That is most excellent, but he's also a close personal friend of Clonie (that should read, Clonie takes all of Dan's money) and she's a poker player and a Full Tilter....

Do I have to connect the dots Dan?

Can't figure out whether I have the bacon sweats or the booze sweats. I'm sure my officemate will tell me when he gets in here.

More distraction settled in when I came across a post I'm sure StB will appreciate. Your 2006 NFL Drinking and Drugging Season Preview. Football, drinking, and booting.

"As was the case here. This was my first night out without my six-month-old, so I got fucking destroyed. I ended up stealing cake from the place settings of people who were on the dance floor, offering $10 to anyone who would run through the sprinkler system at the country club, and telling a pregnant woman that, when my wife gave birth, it looked like doctors were trying to pull out her soul. Awesome stuff.

"I also ended up waking up at 5AM to boot in my toilet for 10 minutes. If you know me, you know that my vomiting abilities are nonpareil. It sounds like someone trying to bail out a sinking boat. It woke up my wife. It woke up the houseguests that were sleeping two rooms over. I'm a Dad, you know. I probably shouldn't be doing shit like this anymore. I remember hugging the bowl and thinking to myself, "You know, this really takes me back."
It makes a drunkard proud.


A serious case of the "fuck-it-all" has crept in and I give up.

Here it is.

It's shite. I know it, you know it, but we'll just both pretend it never happened and nod politely as we pass each other in the blogger hallways.


Monday, August 28, 2006

Nothing to see here 

You get nothing from me today. Busy busy day. I'll be rummaging through the internet to see who I'm going to draft for fantasy football in the second round after I pick up Shaun (S-H-A-U-N) Alexander in the first. Besides, I didn't do a damned thing this weekend to warrant a proper post.

Now go sign up for the tourney or else I'll send BigMike over to your house for a little 'reminder'.

But I will give you another 'not safe for work' picture to tide you over til tomorrow.


Tournament name: Gavin Charity Satellite
Where: Full Tilt Poker
When: Thursday, August 31st. 9pmEST
Buyin: $0+$25
Password: charitybash