Thursday, February 23, 2006

Shutup, I am NOT stupid.... 

"Generals gathered in their masses..."
Black Sabbath
ScubaSteve dug up this little nugget for me yesterday. For all the young'ns out there who only know Ozzy as the barely mobile mumbling meat puppet to his wife Sharon, here's a great video. Shot nearly 36 years ago in Paris. Ozzy looks like a kid and he can actually move. A killer version of War Pigs.


My head is a big mess today. Bad Al and Worse Al got into a battle yesterday over food. Bad Al insisted that I eat something, anything for lunch. It was a booze night.

Worse Al won over when he told me to fook it, food just gets in the way of booze. And it was free damned pizza! Nothing like going without food for 8 hours before tying one on. My liver has stopped talking to me again. But he'll come around. He needs me to feed him.

So I'm just punching my way through the day. Dodging the work-related bullets and avoiding anything remotely responsible. At least I remembered to eat something today. Quite possibly the worst damned Chinese food in the world. Fried Lemur's Ass apparently was on special today. Yummy.

Shoot me now. Somehow Nelson snuck into my mp3 playlist. I gotta stop taking the laptop to the bar.


Randomly speaking about having the laptop at the bar, I had fun railbirding Eva as she was ripping up the tables on FTP last night. Howdy to cudd517. I was having some drunken fun commentating on the game as it was going along. I'm sure it was a lot funnier in my head than in reality, but then again, I don't give a crap.

The other railbirding I did was with Richard Brodie. He was playing an SnG and got down to the final two. It was a seesaw battle and I told him that the entire bar was standing there watching the match, yelling and cheering with each pot pushed his way. I either got a laugh out of him or a restraining order.

Seriously. I might really really have a problem.


So there's good ol' Dr. Pauly out there on the left coast reporting on the Commerce tourneys. Great stuff. Yesterday he starts his writeup of the Celebrity Invitational Tournament. I had no idea I was entered. Hope I did well....

7:10pm... Here's who's playing: Amir Vahedi, Alan Goehring, Amnon Filippi, Antonio Esfandiari, Bill Edler, Bill Gazes, Brad Berman, Capt. Tom Franklin, Carmel Petresco, Clonie Gowen, Cyndy Violette, Dan Alspach, Daniel Alaei, Daniel Negreanu, Danny Masterson, David "Chino" Rheem, David Levi, David Sutcliffe, Doyle Brunson, Eli Elezra, Erick Lindgren, Erik Seidel, Evelyn Ng, Gavin Smith, Chau Giang, Gus Hansen, Isabelle Mercier, J.C. Tran, Jean-Robert Bellande, Joanne Liu, John Juanda, John Phan, Jon Kelley, Kenna James, Kristy Gazes, Laura Prepon, Lilly Elvira, Liz Lieu, Lyle Berman, Mario Ho, Men "The Master" Nguyen, Michael Michrachi, Mike Sexton, Mike Wattel, Minh Nguyen, Nenad Medic, Phil Laak, Robert Mizrachi, Scotty Nguyen, Shannon Elizabeth, Steve Brecher, Todd Brunson, Joe Sebok, Josh Arieh, Scott Lazar, Jeff Rine, Humberto Brenes, Adrian Young from No Doubt, Anne Heche, Billy Burke, Boyd Coddington, Camryn Manheim, Carlos Bernard, Cheryl Hines, Chau Giang, Chris Masterson, Christopher Rich, AlCantHang, Cindy Margolis, Coleman Laffoon, David Norrie, David Sutcliffe, Dick Van Patten, Erik Palladino, Gavin Maloof, Jack Black, James Garner, James Woods, Jason Alexander, Jean Smart, Jennifer Tilly, Jon Favereau, Josh Morrow, Kathy Griffin, Kevin Weisman, Kyle Gass, Lou Gossett, Jr., Lou Diamond Phillips, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Matthew Lillard, Meatloaf, Mimi Rogers, Morris Chestnut, Norm McDonald, Patrick Labyorteaux, Richard Kind, Ricki Lake, Rossi Morreale, Sam Simon, Shannon Elizabeth, Stephen Collins, Tom Everett Scott, Wil Wheaton, Willie Garson, Mark Gregorich, Mike Matusow, Patrik Antonius, and Jesse Jones.
If I was really there, I wonder what kind of trouble I would have gotten into.

Try to setup a 6 handed match between the hotties of poker and the hotties of film? Clonie, Cyndy, and Isabelle versus Jennifer Tilly, Shannon Elizabeth, and Kathie Griffin. errr, Laura Prepon.

Have a chugging contest with Men the Master? I'd even drop down in classification (beer) to make it fair.

A 'free throw' shooting contest with Pauly using maraschino cherries and Jennifer Tilly's cleavage? I proved my aim last year when we got in trouble with the Bahamian Gaming Commision for inventing a new game.

Battle of the Monkey's? No offense to Wil, but his monkey is an underdog when it comes to the original MonkeyBoy. or even Junior.

Seriously, good luck to Wil as he moves onto the action of Day 2. Take it down. Go check out Pauly for complete coverage and tons of pictures.


Speaking of Pauly pics, I spent all morning staring at this picture. Desperately trying to use my super kenetic powers combined with time travel to snap Clonie's strap.

No luck. Superpowers are on the fritz again. Need more booze.


Finally, this retarded hangover rant is coming to an end. Thank me later.

The webmaster in charge of my server has been getting cheesed off that I never mention him or post his pic. I'm tired of hearing about it so here you go....

The AlCantHang WebMaster...



Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Chachi and Lil Dogs humping... 

The semifinal and final matches pit four players in a format similar to Texas Hold 'Em Poker, with chip totals of $500,000 at stake in each semifinal and $1,000,000 at stake in the Championship match. The four players in a match start with equal amounts of chips and are required to make ever-increasing wagers through four rounds of play.
Anyone want to take a guess where that paragraph comes from? Looks like maybe a new version of Hold'em or maybe a new tournament format.


Let me welcome you to the Texas Hold'em Billiard Championship! I can't make this up. Click on the link for proof.

Texas Hold 'Em Billiards duplicates the format of Texas Hold' Em Poker with players required to make huge bets and often forced to go "All-In!" The game is a mirror image of poker and the format requires the competitors to put it all on the line. A match consists of 16 games, with 4 games to a round, and game values increase every round. Each player must 'ante" that amount and the winner of the game receives that amount from the other 3 players in his bracket A player with less than or equal to the dollar amount required for a game must go "All-In" and if he does not win that game, he is eliminated Only one man is left standing in the $100,000 Winner-Take-All Championship match!"
I found it on ESPN Sunday night. I was sweating Otis and BadBlood in various tourney's when this brilliant idea popped up on my sports channel. I was floored when I heard the announcer start speaking of things like ante, all-in, chip counts, etc. Stunned I tell ya.

Otis made me promise to not use the term "jump the shark" because the term "jumped the shark" has jumped the shark. I prefer to say that shark has been beaten over the head with a little Joanie Loves Chachi. Quick, sell all your WPT stock before Doyle dumps it.



ScurvyDog always has a ton of poker goodness but I just read his last post and thought it deserved a link up.

His post is looking at different equity situations. Great stuff.

Holy shit! I might actually learn something!

While you're at it, why not stop by The Nerd for some free poker advice.


Keep trying lil' buddy!


I need help.

We're trying to think of names for BigMike's Philly bar crawl for his 40th birthday. I'll find something to give to the winner.

Bar crawl titles that have been used.....

The "Scream and I'll Cut Your Throat" Bar Tour
The "Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus!" Bar Tour

It needs to be snarky so I'm assuming BG or G-Rob will come up with something spectacular.



Monday, February 20, 2006

News flash! 

22% of the world is composed of ass-hats.


Monday suck-fest... 

Holy shit, this weekend I got to play some poker. Real honest-to-god, I-still-really-suck, poker.

The highlight was playing in the Donkeys Always Draw Heads Up Championship Friday night. It was great to see Wil take some time out of his busy day to join us. And finish second. A big thanks to Jordan and Tripjax for setting it all up.

62 people signed up for some one on one poker action. 62 players and who do I end up with for my first match? Fucking Landow. I've probably spent more time at the poker tables with Landow than anyone else. I thought I was in trouble when he immediately folded to my min-raise.

"You never min-raise" was his comment after he folded and I was holding a monster.

It was back and forth for awhile, but the cards hammered me so hard that a drunken monkey could have won this match. It was a credit to Landow that he lasted as long as he did. In a head's up match, on the flop, I made two sets, two straights, and quads during the match. Numerous middle pocket pairs and big aces.

It ended with him pushing into my AKo with Ax and I was officially 1 for 1 in my heads up career.

I didn't mention that this was my first heads up tourney? And I suck at poker so how often do you think I've gotten into a head's up battle at the end of a tourney?

Sure enough, my donkey ass couldn't get away from 99 when my opponent flopped a wheel with A2 in the next match.

I'm not sure who even knocked me out. Whoever did get to rename this crappy site. Drop me a line.


Here are my response to Mr. Anon's email....

Should I pay for internet porn or just browse the “free” selection?

Why would you ever pay as long as there are sights like The Hun around? I don't think I have to actually tell you, that link is NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

Carry on.

How far removed must I be from someone before telling my wife I think, “She’s HOT!”?

You can never be far enough removed. Have you no respect for your wife?

When is personal preference just BAD TASTE?

To say one person's preference is bad taste borders on pure arrogance. Some may not like my personal preference for listening to ear-bleeding-soul-crunching music. Some may say that I have bad taste because they don't like that style of music. Never taking into account it's what I like, it actually relaxes me, and it fits my frame of mind. Someone can call it bad taste, but really it's just their opinion. I don't particulary like Phish and those funky jam bands (really, who needs to hear a 40 minute version of anything), but I don't tell Pauly he has bad taste. We just have differing tastes and opinions.

And don't get me going on popular literature. That piece of crap The Five People You Want to Kill Meet in Heaven is still on the Amazon best seller list. Interestingly, so is The Catcher in the Rye, Too Kill a Mockingbird, and Slaughterhouse-Five.

Who knows, maybe personal preference is just that. Personal.

Why do people live in places like Fargo or Milwaukee?

I think the comments in the previous post took care of this answer for me.

If you have anymore emails to inflame the reading public, hit me.



I'll leave you with a disturbing song and poll. Friday on the way home, local station 'MMR played a new song from Guns N Roses called I.R.S. It was a gut-punch, a junk-kick, and a quick shot to the taint. Horrible.

My first thought, naturally, was to bring it to the people. I recently linked up another horrible song, Popozoa, and I need you to decide which is actually worse. Give them a listen and let me know.

Kevin Federline - Popozoa

Guns N Roses - I.R.S. (when do I get my first cease and desist letter?)

Vote here