Saturday, February 18, 2006

Saturday morning "Kegs and Eggs" 

A rare Saturday post in honor of StB who's in the middle of a beer drinking challenge. 1 beer every hour for 24 straight hours. The challenge, ONLY 1 beer per hour.

He also took offense to one of the questions posed by my anonymous email on Thursday. Anon said...

Why do people live in places like Fargo or Milwaukee?

You have options. Have you never BEEN to somewhere cool? I mean there are parts of this great nation where the sun shines most of the year. Others where you have a groovy variety of weather. What makes an otherwise reasonable man or woman spend a lifetime in a place where the weather sucks and the city is lame? I suppose not everyone has an adventurous spirit, but do you have a fucking thermometer? Really, I’m puzzled by this.

Here is StB's response...

Sir Al,

Like most, I thoroughly enjoy your exchanges with BG. Toss in a little spice with Joe Speaker this time around, a little sage from Big Mike and another classic is made.

However, I do take umbrage- yes umbrage (one can use big words when writing emails after returning from a place of malted beverages)- to what anonymous had to say about the city of which I reside. Apparently Anon lives in Utopia. Or my guess is some place in the south like Little Rock for only those is such a pitiful wannabe city would ever try to bring down a better place such as the Brew City.

Milwaukee has much more going for it than most people know. Apparently this person has a problem with cold temperatures. Or what they perceive to be cold temperatures. Or lack of sun? Yeah, the sun NEVER shines here. The weather is not that bad either. Yeah, it snows and it may get cold. We have the balls to handle it when it goes down to 0. Apparently "anon" does not. His pansy ass probably heads off to a tanning booth when it gets below 50 degrees. Grow a sack already.

Plus, the city is lame. Compared to what exactly? The city of Milwaukee has more going on in it than you apparently have a clue about. There are 2 major sports, one minor, and we are a drive away from 2 others. There are 2 NCAA teams as well.

Milwaukee is also the host of the world's biggest music festival in Summerfest. There are also the ethnic festivals during the summer. As well as the Church festivals. You know what, my guess is Anon would never survive the Drinking for Jesus Tour. The imbibing of alcoholic beverages in public places is too "lame" for him. Not enough adventure.

Milwaukee offers what Chicago does at a fraction of the price. Not necessarily as much all the time but on a very competitive basis. Hell, we have a better stadium than any of theirs, an art museum that is a architectual beauty, and breweries. Does he have more than one brewery in his city?

Hell, I can walk 2 blocks to a bar. I can walk to 3 bars within 6 blocks of my house and 11 within 10 blocks. I highly doubt Anon can.

Bottom line is Milwaukeeans know how to have a good fuckin' time. I challenge Anonymous to step forward. Tell me what makes your place of residence so fucking great. I doubt it can compare.

Speaking as one that is looking forward to this year's bash,

Proud beer drinking residence of the City of Milwaukee

Go Brewers!!!

My 10am beer with StB during his challenge....


Friday, February 17, 2006

Amateur night 

What a fucked up night. Was there a full moon? The only damned time I look up at the sky is if I pass out on the front lawn.

It was supposed to be a nice normal night at the bar with an added bonus of meeting up with a friend we haven't seen in awhile.

Then some weirdness kicked in. Starting with the lovely lesbian couple to the right. The picture just doesn't do justice. The girl on the right is sporting a MONSTER pompadour. It was very impressive. And they were a blast.

The bar was mobbed last night by two separate office parties bringing the number of amateur drinkers up to an unacceptable level. I don't know how much longer I could have taken listening to the whitebread bankers in their suits rapping along with Biggie. Things were about to break apart when something great happened.

The booze started kicking in. A little for me but a lot for Kevin and Landow. Landow in particular seemed to be having a very good time. He just needs to not stool dance to Bell Biv Devoe ever again.

"Never trust a big butt and a smile!"

Some of the interesting sights...

We had the Amish kid obviously on his rumspringa. He was still kicking the funky beard though. He spent the entire night power slamming jager bombs and doing the kiss of death for every dancing whiteboy. The water sprinkler. Damned inbreeding. Every time we looked over he was dry humping a girl who had more the a passing resemblance to old school Farrah Fawcett. The feathered back hair, skimpy top with nothing else, and these big assed hoop earrings (ankle holders).

I was going to try and snap a picture of her but I was afraid Malachai was going to bust out his sickle on me.

There were two guys on the dance floor by themselves. They had hiked up their pants Urkel-style and were doing a combination of slam dancing and pole humping. You've never seen a packed bar going deadly silent this quick. They sensed that something profoundly retarded was happening.

We had a Tara Reid look-a-like show up. Except that she was still upright and hadn't shown her boobs all night long.

There was a large section of people with the office party that must have shown up for the free food. They were herded huddled in the corner trying their best to annoy us. I don't think they've ever pushed themselves away from the free buffet while food was still available. (hey, I'm a fat man, I can make fun of my fat brethren) God damn if we didn't have a full-on stampede when they put down the feeding trough full of wings and various other fried foods. I swear I saw one guy stick his hand in and pull back nothing but a nub.

You could tell when the free shit was done because the bar began to at 9pm on the nose. It was even empty enough for Eva to fire up the laptop and play 3 tables on Full Tilt Poker while chugging her Miller Lite's. She's my hero.

The night ended with BigMike and I closing the bar again for the second night in a row. I was glad to have the guys with me as witnesses to the insanity.

Consistency. That's what I'm going for.

Other random pics from last night....

The happy couple

Eva and Adrienne

Terry taking care of me


Don't forget that tonight is the DADI Heads Up Championship on PokerStars. 11 measly dollars give you the opportunity to bust me out of the tourney in the first round.

I've been a slacker about pimping it, so as my punishment, I offer up a bounty. Whoever knocks me out will get to rename this here blog for the next week.

See you there.


Finally, my big announcement.

BigMike, the Karl Rove of our ACHE crew, is turning the big number 40 in April and we have the preliminary plans setup.

On Saturday, April 8th, we're going to be taking a huge bar tour of Philly. It looks like we have at least 10 bars already setup and on board for the nasty bar crawl celebrating the birth of this great drinking monster. Extra shipments of Soco, Grey Goose, and Red Bull have been ordered.

You, my tiny little internet audience, are cordially invited to join us on that day.

If you're interested in coming for the big event, drop me an email instead of using comments. Maybe we can actually surprise him for once.


Cheers, have a blast this weekend.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Anonymous email... 

Someone was apparently inspired by yesterday's email rant between myself, BG, and Joe Speaker. I received an anonymous email this afternon that I promised to promised to publish. I'll post it today and answer tomorrow.



Dearest Alan,

It’s been so long since we met. I still treasure the patch of mashed down yellow grass you claimed after 44 shots of poison. I’m turning it into a playhouse for the kids.

I’ve watched with awe your latest e-mail exchange, and would like to offer these, my humble thoughts. It isn’t easy, of course, to step up to the plate literati like these, but because I once read all of “Infinite Jest”, I know a lot of big words and can fill page after page with meaningless aside.

Such as :

“The necktie I’m now wearing is widely believed to come from a Croatian innovation in the 17th century when the emissaries from said country wore colorful scarves that so impressed the King of France that they were later adopted there and, eventually, throughout Europe. In fact, there’s an entire website devoted to the history of the necktie. Find it at : "http://www.twilightbridge.com/festivals/father/necktie.htm”

Feel better? I do.

So as I said, I offer the following questions :

1) Should I pay for internet porn or just browse the “free” selection?

Usually I assume the quality and quantity will improve at a classy pay site. Plus, I can find one devoted to my own personal perversions, which is nice. But the quantity (he he quan-tity) is so large on various TGPs and whatnot, I wonder if I shouldn’t save the cash. Plus, my wife may ask about the debit from “AssBlaster.net”.

What would you do?

2) How far removed must I be from someone before telling my wife I think, “She’s HOT!”?

I mean, I have literally hundreds of celebrities on my personal “TO DO” list. Usually, its generally accepted practice, that I can tell her I think Amy Poehler is bangable, but co-workers are off topic. But what about her super gorgeous friends from back home? Can’t I say it once? And does saying, “She’s hot!”, about hundreds of celebrities get me into some sort of trouble but sheer quantity. What is the acceptable personal “Verbal Hot” distance?

3) When is personal preference just BAD TASTE?

For example : Do you listen to the radio? Silly question, I know. Not nearly enough crappy hair band there. It’s crap. I’m not one of these, “They’re successful so they must’ve sold out!” kinda guys, but most things that most people like DO suck. To wit : reality TV, Brittney Spears, and the entire New York Times Bestseller list. Want to read a good book? Find out what everyone else isn’t reading. I suppose it could be preference, but why would anyone “prefer” things that suck? Your thoughts?

4) Why do people live in places like Fargo or Milwaukee?

You have options. Have you never BEEN to somewhere cool? I mean there are parts of this great nation where the sun shines most of the year. Others where you have a groovy variety of weather. What makes an otherwise reasonable man or woman spend a lifetime in a place where the weather sucks and the city is lame? I suppose not everyone has an adventurous spirit, but do you have a fucking thermometer? Really, I’m puzzled by this.

That’s what I got for ye, Sir Al. I await your thoughtful reply. And just for kicks, enjoy this tidbit from the website : History of the Mason Jar.

“Early in the 19th century, the process of hermetically sealed cooked food was developed in France . By 1809, the Frenchman François (Nicolas) Appert had the background to solve the problem, having been a pickler, an expert confectioner, a brewer, a distiller, and a chef. In 1810, Appert established the principles for the preservation of certain foods in hermetically sealed glass containers, which he himself designed for the procedure. The bottles were filled with fruit and heated. Then they were sealed and placed in a water bath and heated gradually for specified lengths of time and then cooled. Applying heat to food in sealed glass bottles made it difficult for organisms to develop.”

Yours truly,

Anonymous fan.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

BG / ACHE email post... 

It has begun! OK, maybe you don't care.

The Boy Genius and I have started an email post for the day. No idea where it's going because we refused to pick a format.

Since BG's lazy half ass (bah, get it!) is sitting at home, I'm going to let him post it.

Head on over and let me know what you think.


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Crappy Hallmark Day 

On this most overblown of all Hallmark Holidays, I present to you a massive music dump. And by dump, I mean a massive stinky pile of crap. I'll kill two birds with one stone. I present some songs for the loved, lovelorn, and brothel-bound folks. Every song comes from that mysterious hair metal waste land that has become my mp3 player. No one nailed 5 correct songs, so below I have 15 listed and linked.

For those furtunate enough to be as lucky as I am....

Nelson - Love and Affection Just kidding
Dokken - Burning Like a Flame
Poison - Talk Dirty to Me
Dangerous Toys - Teasn' Pleasn'
Bang Tango - Someone Like You
Bon Jovi - Bad Medicine

For those single amongst us. More importantly, for those who've recently had the shaft of cupid's arrow shoved up your ass like a nasty chocolate enema, hopefully these songs will take some of the sting out....

Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You
Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad
Jackyl - I Stand Alone
Guns and Roses - Get in the Ring
Megadeth - No More Mr. Nice Guy

And for those who would just as well hit the local bordello and pop the nearest skanky ho-bag....

Skid Row - Big Guns
Poison - Look What the Cat Dragged In
Metal Shop - Big Boobs
Kix - Blow My Fuse
Dangerous Toys - Sportn' a Woody


There ya have. I spent more time linking than writing.

I head out with the princess tonight to our favorite restaurant. Where we had our first 'official' date (don't ask, long story) and we went after our engagment. Hopefully I'll have a belly full of 'gator, ostrich, and other odd yummy creatures.

Happy Crappy Hallmark Day.



Monday, February 13, 2006

BG / ACHE email post coming..... 

To honor the triumphant return of The Boy Genius, we've come up with the brilliant *cough* idea to do another BG / ACHE email post.

The last time this was done, we rated hotties from each decade starting with the 50's and it was a blast.

So I'm taking ideas from our readers. Pick a good subject and we'll spend the day being completely retarded and probably barely even touch it.

It's up to you, dear and patient reader, to give us a topic to entertain you with.

Hit me!


Super Bowl Saturday, The End 

It's all kind of a bizzarro world when trying to write about something that happened over a week ago and it involves a bender with several drunken nights between then and now.

When I left off, I believe we were rolling out of the Rusty Rudder after two sets. There was our "Angel" sitting in her oversized glory in her oversized taxi waiting for BigMike's oversized.....


We were much drunken than you would have expected to be considering we had a belly full o' food and most of us spent more time shuffling in and out of the bar for a nicotine fix then standing at the bar. We piled into the mini-van for the 45 minute ride to the next destination. Fager's Island in OCMD. Vinny's band Love Puppies should be heading into their 2nd of 3 sets and there is no end to the drunken stupidity when we get together.

Like the picture over there. Stupid. I can't explain it, I can barely remember it. There happened to be this friggin' little frog statue sitting between a couple of the bars. After a crap load of Southern, this picture starts to make sense.

That's Vinny and FatAssBob's soon to be wife, if anyone really cares.

Their two sets were a blur of double soco shots (served in a snifter? wha?), one severely drunken fiance, several impromptu lap dances, one blown amplifier (completely Bob's fault), and one shortened rendition of the AlCantHang song. Next thing we knew it was past closing, the ugly lights were turned on, and I was snapping some pictures of the ugly ass frogs. We poured what was left of the crew out to the waiting "angel". She had jumped the cab line telling everyone she had a special fare. God bless her.

The party was over, it was time to head back to home base.

But Al, it's way too early to stop partying

You're damn skippy. For some reason, someone, anyone, I don't know who, managed to talk Godzilla into pulling over at the local 7-11 to pick up a case of beer. After hours.

The nice gentleman behind the counter offered to roll back the clock on the register and sell a case of Milwaukee's Beast for the cool sum of 2 Thooooousand American dollars. Kenna, being the good drunken, boob showing girl, offered up her honor to no effect.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and the rest of the night he was on 'er and off 'er. Cheers.

While Kenna was doing her thing to obtain some beer, "Angel" made her move on BigMike. I was able to see the encounter from my seat three rows back in mini-van-hell. There was the quiet conversation followed by her hand on his leg. Then all of a sudden BigMike reaches back cold cocks her in the side of her face. Her fake teeth went chattering out the window.

I might have made that last part up because I don't remember how it ended. Mike's a cool customer so there was no way to tell that he really wanted to climb out the window and run screaming into traffic. Mike mentioned the bar we were going to hit for the SuperBowl but we just somehow never actually managed to make it there.

No luck with the beer either.

No worries, we had three rooms full of Yuengling Lager, some kinda vodka, RedBull, and a whole shit load of Lemoncello. Lemme tell ya. Lemoncello after a night full of Soco will make you feel like a character in Aliens. All we needed to do was throw in some grappa and moonshine to top the night off proper.

We spent the rest of the night morning keeping the neighbors awake by partying on the balcony and watching Lisa Lampanelli uncensored on Comedy Central (highly recommended unless you're some kind of politically correct SOB.)....

....and I woke up with my head at the foot of the bed, fully clothed, and a can of what I assumed to be redbull and vodka still clutched in my hand.

There was the smell of death in the air. Eva was still breathing, so I could only assume the grim reaper was on his way for me.

But there was still one more day left in the bender....