Thursday, January 26, 2006

Steaming pile..... 

Things are too crazy around here for a proper post so I'll give you a nice link dump and some random crap.

I was searching through my stat counter for shits and giggles and came across some interesting items. Number one head scratcher is....

Hot moms making boys suck boobs? Now that's just odd. But here's the disturbing part. The search hit came from the State of Tennessee Department of Education. Here's the screen capture. Anyone from that area of Tennessee interested in the full details, drop me an email.


In an effort to improve relations between myself and the random filth dwellers who pop on here now and again, I'll try to help them out with their searches (and make Jerry happy to boot)...

Some search keywords...

Jennifer Connelly naked pictures. Who here has seen Career Opportunities? You know she was gonna be huge. Ahem. Anyway, not nekkid but still nice.

Don Swayze image. Now you just know I have to leave that one alone.

Alison Sweeney. Enjoy

"f 14 super house my eye's big water new sunday.january 14.2006" Wha?

Picture of a steeming pile of crap. You can see it here or just hit refresh.

I've never heard of SportsbyBrooks.com, but you gotta love the advertising.

Finally, I think she has an Ace up her sleeve.



In honor of the unofficial Pauly Appreciation Day, I'm asking all 10 of my readers to pop over to Tao of Poker and thank the good doctor for his efforts in live blogging. Not just the Borgata, but the other tourney's as well.

Since Pauly does Random 5 lists, here are 5 random places I've drank Soco with Pauly...

1. Citizen's Bank Park for a Phillies game. First time meeting Pauly. Part 1 Part 2
2. Sports Bar across the street from Yankee Stadium and random bars in Manhatten. My writeup. Pauly's writeup.
3. Hooker bar at the Rio in Vegas.
4. Bash at the Boat 5 and 6
5. Brad-o-ween

Great job Pauly, keep it up.


Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A.C Trip, The Party 

The Party...

After Eva hit her smoke break jackpot, I stopped by the Borgata poker room and upstairs in the tourney area to let Pauly, -EV, and Helixx know what was going on. Booze on top of booze at Harrah's watching Phil's band do the lounge act thing. His band was going on at midnight and it was already past 10pm. Probably a good time to finally check into the hotel.

We hit Harrah's with plenty of time to spare. Has anyone else ever been to Harrah's in AC? The carpeting in the gaming area looks likes the universe blew chunks all over the place. Bizarre. We even had time to catch the last set of the opening band. Look-a-likes manned the band. One of the members of ZZ-Top on bass, Paul Anka on lead guitar, and Sienfeld's Mom made an appearance as lead singer, doing her best impression of Kate Smith with a microphone up her nose.

It would be simple to just run through a reinactment of how the night went but it would be incomplete because I was fuzzy already and there's not way I saw everything. Let me just hit some highlights including pics provided by Helixx *cough*

When I ordered the first shot it came in some kind of smaller snifter glass. It was a big shot but not great for long term drinking. It reduces the margin of error for getting the glass successfully to the mouth. I managed to navigate the entire night without wearing any of my drinks but it was still annoying. Big honkin' shots made me happy though.

By the way, the bar was located right near the poker room. 200+ on the NL list at the Borgata. No wait at Harrah's a quarter mile away. Morons.

Once Phil's band went on, unintentionally hilarious in their suits straight from A Night at the Roxbury, the fun began. I started texting around so we had witnesses to this abortion. The crowd was worth the cover charge. Which was zero.

Shortly into the night Tony makes a perfect observation. It felt like we were attending a wedding reception that was going to turn ugly and funny at the exact same time.

Right off the bat you couldn't help but notice "Jim Bob". Uncle Jim Bob. He was surely a hill billy even if he didn't live in the hills. He was wearing a blueish T-shirt with the arms ripped off. The tight t-shirt came short of covering his monster beer belly meaning there was about an inch of exposed skin between that and his falling down, striped, sweat pants. A sausage ready to burst. He had the high and tight buzz cut going and danced like it was his last day on earth.

Then you had "cool hip" older guy who spent the majority of the time dry humping any strange women who made the mistake of approaching the dance floor. He had knee length pants with a black, half unbuttoned, shirt. The huge handle bar mustache and monster mullet completed the ensemble.

The part of the bridesmaids was played by a group of girls on a 21st birthday binge. It seemed obvious to me but I'm getting far too old. I swear one of them had to be twelve but she was knocking back shots like a champ. They spent equal amounts of time sucking down drinks, dancing, and hopping up on stage to the enjoyment of Phil's girlfriend.

Grandma Slutmuffin was taking great pride in showing off her wrinkled old ass in her pantyhose and thong. I almost lost it that time.

I won't even mention Jabba the Hut who was face down in the feed bucket. Too late.

The most disturbing dancer was a fine lady who spent most of the time with her back to us. Her large sequined belt made her look like a giant jiggling disco ball. Phil's girlfriend was the first to notice the really disturbing part. Two untethered puppies fighting under satin. They really should have been tethered. *shiver*

Finally there was the crazy cousin who was doing his best River Dance impression to "500 Miles" on top of a speaker in front of the entire bar. Oh wait, that was Beck.

He did a great job of keeping his balance even though we were at the tail end of a 12 hour bender, he karate kicked a chair in the middle of his dance, and the sportsbook had already set slim odds of him making it through the entire song upright. But he did.

Absolutely. Brilliant.

The crowd was just a comedic bonus to hanging out until the wee hours of the morning with our old friends and new friends. Helixx, Beck, Phil, Melinda, Tony, and Crystal. We drank well until they finally made us leave the premises but not before we put a serious hurt on their Soco and Jager supplies.

Who's up for going back this weekend coming up?!


Speaking of parties, just 8 shorts months to go......


Monday, January 23, 2006

A.C. Trip part 1 

"He doesn't post often, but when he does, it's worth the read."

Mr. Decker

How's that? Two links in one lil' quote. It's true enough, the world famous blogger turned poker software guru has a new post up. Check it out.


I'm a little late in posting it, but a big congrats to Ryan for winning Event #1 at the LA Poker Classic.


The trip to the Borgata this weekend turned into a smaller, 12 hour non-stop binge with a little poker, a lot of booze, and a ton of craziness between midnight and 3am.

In the beginning.....

Due to some personal crap we weren't able to make it down to AC friday night so we just planned to get down as early as possible on Saturday morning. Hopefully we'd get there early enough to pop in to see Pauly then hit the poker room.

Brilliant idea in the abstract but it never really had a chance. The mile long traffic jam just to get into the Borgata parking garage was the first warning. Eva ducked and weaved the truck around little old grannies and the soccer moms til she found a blonde parking spot to her liking. Wasn't the Borgata the place where we could avoid the old bats and their walkers? Can someone check that out for me?

We made out way up to the ball room to check on the tourney and see how Pauly was making out. Not two minutes after walking in the door I heard my name being called from the tourney area. One of the regular winners of my monthly tournaments was sitting in and doing well in Event #2. We let Pauly get back to his job and hit the poker room.

Good lord.

-EV was already sitting at a 1/2 NL table and had placed my name on several lists. The closest spot I had was #80 for a seat at 3/6. Over 200 names were waiting on NLHE lists. Absolutely ridiculous. Don't they know that there are other poker rooms in AC? Landow gets a brilliant call to head to another room and play their daily SnG's.

I never ever thought that I would step foot in a casino name Wild Wild West. But I did. The SnG structure should make Felicia resume her drinking. $50 + $15 10 person SnG only paying the top 2. The blinds were so idiotic that if you didn't double up in the first FIFTEEN minute level, you already had less then 10 BB's. By this time, Beck from Stealtheblinds met us there and we decided to hit Bally's for some drunken donkey 2/4 with the retirees.


My quick review of Bally's Poker room....

The bad

- anyone remember how much fun it was finding the poker room at Imperial Palace the first time? Imagine that without them being in the middle of replacing the escalators.

- they were only spreading 2/4 Limit, 1/2 NL, and 1-5 Stud.

- the waitlist consisted of a card room manager standing at the desk with multiple post-it notes scratching off names.

- when asking the dealer if we could straddle UTG, we were met with a silly blank stare which meant "what the hell does that mean"

- this is AC's last poker room which allows smoking.

The Good

- this is AC's last poker room which allows smoking. I was a friggin' chimney.

- cocktail service was the best ever. Except they don't look anything like the Borgata waitresses, after ordering the first two rounds of shots, I never ordered another one. Every time she came by, she had another drink for Beck and myself.

- by far the dumbest players I have ever seen in my life. Of course I lost.

- good news, food service at the table. bad news, it was $3.50 micro-waved hotdogs.

- we had a card room manager try to set up an O8 game if only he could "find a couple of employees who know how to deal it"


Beck and I were in the 1 and 2 seats, Eva was in the 4 seat, a very unhappy man was stuck in the middle. I thought the lady in the 5 seat might be the oldest person on the planet. That idea quickly went away when grandpapa Methuselah sat down next to her.

This guy was perfect. He weighed in about 70 pounds soaking wet. Never spoke a word other than to make the occasional noise at the dealer when he bet incorrectly. He was so blind that each flop he had to stand up, bend over the table, and get his face within two inches of board. By the end the dealers were putting the flop nearly on top of his hole cards.

Then there was the 10 seat. We called her donkey for several reasons. First, she was horrible. Rarely found two cards she didn't like for a raise. She took a nice sized pot off of me when she beat my AQ's TPTK with her TPWAMFIK (top pair, weak assed, mother fargin, idiot kicker) on the river.

More importantly, and even a little frightening, she looked exactly like a damned donkey. Kids, I'm talking hardcore, scare the children butt friggin ugly. Because Beck had the dealer between them, I'm pretty sure he called her "him" before being corrected.

As soon as we sat down and ordered drinks, Beck made a statement that was music to my ears. He wanted to go drink for drink. There aren't many bloggers, if any, that I can hang with realistically at the poker table. Drinking might be a different story. Beck was knocking back the Iggy-endorsed grey hounds and I was hitting up the double-soco's. After the third round magically appeared, I just assumed Beck had ordered while I wasn't paying attention.


Apparently the tips flying her way where enough to get instant service. Without ever ordering, every trip by the tables she brought another round. The wifey is knocking back bay breezes while letting the old guy next to her flirt. Landow had taken over the 3 seat and was drinking some luke-warm crap beer out of plastic.

In the end I ended up tipping away half my buy-in (at least) and lemurring away the rest. It was getting close to the second portion of the day and Landow's truck was about to turn into a pumpkin. We THEY cashed in their chips and we were heading back to the Borgata for some Noodles of the World.


The long wait...

Landow dropped Eva, Beck, and myself off at the Borgata and he headed home to his dog. Not his girlfriend, she's cute, but his actual psycho-ass dog. We went straight for N.O.W, one of our favorite places to eat at the Borgata, knowing the line was going to outrageous. We took turns holding our spot in line as I made trips down to the poker room to apprise -EV and Helixx of the food situation. I ran upstairs to check on Pauly and the tourney.

Anything to keep from watching the people in front of us in line. A 90 year old chain smoking asian lady with two younger girls. At one point the old woman pulled out a BRICK of cash. On closer inspection she was sporting a roll of Ben Franklin's an inch thick. With the long wait, she ripped off 5 bills for the younger girl and took off for the baccarat table. My offers to be her man-whore were not met with anything nearing enthusiam. So I spent the next hour wandering the casino while Beck and Eva kept the place in line with -EV showing up just in time.

The food as usual was great. I had the Hong Kong Shrimp Wontons and Eva had something with the word spicy in it (she regretted that after the drinking binge was done at 4 in the morning). As a kind gester, and instant karmic points, I told Eva that I was buying dinner for the 4 of us. She said no problem and walked out of the restaurant for a smoke while I settled up the tab.

While she was smoking, she cashed in our Frequent Karma Points and nailed a $1500 slot machine jackpot before the cigarette was even done.

And she still made me pay for dinner.



The Party...