Friday, December 23, 2005

Is this you? 

For you my readers, I present to you a guest blogger (and I might start doing this more) . From DJ ScubaSteve:

The Office Party

For a large majority of you, the holiday season will be wrapping up pretty soon and despite those precious moments you get to spend together with your friends and families, I know a lot of people out there will be glad when the season ends; mostly because they will no longer be forced to hang out with their co-workers at the dreaded holiday party.

I would like to submit, for your entertainment, a list of those special stand-out people who attend our office holiday parties.

The Loud Guy: This guy is under the false impression that the louder he talks the more fun everyone around him will be having. He will usually go out of his way to say something embarrassing about at least one of his co-workers, at just a loud enough volume so even the dead can hear him. He'll also punctuate everything he says with an over-exaggerated laugh and a just-a-bit-too-hard slap on the back. Try not to let this guy bother you too much. Just keep in mind that his wife is very likely cheating on him with his best friend.

Mr. Oblivious: Since I am a DJ, this is one of my personal favorite holiday party attendees. He is usually the guy who is requesting I follow up "Jingle Bells" with some Notorious BIG. "Come on, man... I know if you play 'Bust A Nut' everyone will be on the dance floor."

I-Think-I-Am-At-A-Wedding Girl: She is the attendee who very often will cause me the most suffering, since she thinks that everyone in the room wants to dance just as much as she does. Most people in the room are there trying to "keep up appearances" at the manditory-attendance office party and have absolutely no inclination to do something that will get them noticed. She also came dressed as though she expected a brass pole in the center of the room. It is a very good possibility that she is the boss' 20-years-younger trophy wife and she is cheating on her husband with her yoga instructor.

The Drunk In 10 Minutes Person: Is this an "open" bar? It is?!?!? WOO HOOOOO!

I'm Not Old Guy: Most likely phrase to overhear coming from him on the dance floor... "Kanye West? Oh yeah, I listen to him all the time when I am driving my Infinity."

The Milton Who Can't Get Over Seeing His Co-Workers Outside Of Work: "This is a cool party, huh guys? We should all go to a bar after this... Which bar do you guys usually like to hang out at?" The holiday party is his only opportunity to gather personal information about you, so be careful what you divulge. Otherwise, you'll never be able to go to your favorite bar ever again without be greeted at the door.

Too Cool To Wear A Tie Guy: This guy has no concept of "blending in". You'll have a two minute warning to this guy's impending appearance because he is wearing so much cologne your eyes will begin to water while he parks his car. He believes that showing up in a t-shirt and sandals demonstrates his panache and will cause the boss to remember him when it comes times for raises. It's more likely he'll be remembered when it comes time to "thin the herd".

My Whole Life Is My Job Guy: "Did you remember to put in your spec sheet with the H-88 cards? I always try to clip them with a blue paper clip because boring noring schnoring loring doring boring boring..."

I'm Not Making Enough Money Guy: Nothing says "I can't function well at a social gathering" than complaining about a paycheck at a company-paid-for banquet. They think maybe they can corner the boss sometime in the evening and change the compensation rate for 10,000 of their co-workers. It's fun to egg this guy on and then push him out to sea on his ice float.

I Like To Swear Guy: "Hey, since we're not at work, I can overuse the F-word to describe everything, right? I'm just sayin... These are some good 'effin potatoes, huh? They must 'effin put some mother 'effin sour cream in this isht." By the way, the boss brought his mother and she has a weak heart.

The Shadow: This employee needs to be a part of every conversation the boss has all night long by staying within one arm's length. Go have a drink, Smithers.

Starvin' Marvin: Technically, since it is a buffet dinner, people can go back a second time to get more food. This guy had an epiphany when he saw Homer Simpson carry the steam tray full of shrimp from the Rusty Barnacle buffet back to his table. The most likely candidate to be eating bare-handed from the bins, he will also be fighting a cold and will only pause between handfuls of bacon-wrapped scallops to wipe his nose.

The Door Prizes Are Rigged Guy: He didn't win the $10 gift certificate to the local convenience store and is genuinely furious that he will be forced to continue paying for his daily morning coffee while "that apple polisher in accounting" gets the gift certificate they didn't deserve. After the first round of prizes are given out, he'll leave angrily making sure everyone knows how mad he is. When the second round of prizes comes around, their number will be called for the trip to Orlando. Sorry, man... You have to be here to win...

The Predator: It's not sexual harassment if it doesn't happen in the office, right? Ms. Harris, go ahead and type yourself a letter of apology for what I did at last night's party.

I apologize to anyone reading this that happens to fit these descriptions. I just thought you should know... No one likes you.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

So long, farewell... 

Do you have your own bobblehead? Apparently I do. A regular at the Boathouse game brought this trying to tilt me. But I'm untiltable, especially when drunk. The tourney was uneventful. I made it down to the final 10 but pissed away my chips playing back at the uber-agressive chip leader.

Then we drank.

And ate waffles.

Much later, but waffles definitely entered the picture around midnight-ess. So I'm being told.

4 hours later I found myself on the living room floor with the cat's ass in my face, the worst case of hiccups, and heartburn that made me want to ingest an entire bottle of zantac.

Then the morning got worse...

But that's for another day.

Another day in the distant future because I'm hanging up my keyboard.

Nothing permanent, I was already talked off that legde, so no need to go all PokerNerd on me. But I am dropping offline for a bit of a hiatus or whatever they call the damned things these days. After nearly 2 years of constant idiotic posting, I'm taking my first real break. Not that this is going to cause some great chasm in the blogging world. But I just wanted you to know I'm still alive and well.

I'm going to take some time to be a husband to my wife, a friend to my friends, and a college tuition provider to my local bartenders.

The cell phone is always on for dial-a-shots. I'll still be hanging around on Stars and FTP. I'll still be on Istant Messenger.

And I'll still be reading the real blogs out there. Keep up the great work.


p.s. 9 months to go, have a good holiday....


Tuesday, December 20, 2005


It was a decent weekend in the sports world. Eagles squeak out an ugly win in the Lou. Cowboy's lose get embarrassed. Chelsea beats Arsenal (really bad weekend for Joaquin's teams). And the San Diego Mother effing Super Chargers take down Indy.

For the first time this NFL season, I was sitting at home watching football. Imagine that, one TV. It felt weird. Compounded by the fact that I was stuck watching a shitty Steelers/Vikings game on CBS instead of the Chargers/Colts game. Brilliant.

The sequence of the game that I have yet to see mentioned by analysts...

The Chargers get the ball deep in their own territory with 8:33 left in the first half after stopping the Colts on 4th and goal. They drove 91 yards in 18 plays. But more importantly, they ate up all but :15 seconds that remainded in the second quarter with that one drive. That kept the mighty Colts offense chilling on the sidelines and tiring out the defense.

Go Bolts! San Diego Super Chargers!


An added bonus to the "Al falls" story. While I was getting to my feet, a light flashed. For the moment I thought I might be stroking out, only to see Austin April checking her camera. Here's her picture of me just standing up after my trip down the stairs. Holding up the glasses for all to witness.

I'm so retarded.


Maybe it's because of the knees hurting so bad I've adjusted my walk, or maybe it was the dreaded sneeze/fart combo the other day... but I think I sprained my taint.


I was going to write more about Vegas but I don't have the heart, energy, or time. Plus I'm trying to get another short story for Pauly's Truckin' before the deadline that's probably already past.

So a few links...

PokerNerd seems to be under the impression that he can just take his ball and go home. Don't let it happen!

Can someone please tell me if this video is real. It can't possibly be real, right?

How to make a cow jealous. NSFW

Finally, for your Christmas listening pleasure, brought to you by ScubaSteve. The Dan Band - I Want to Rock You Hard This Christmas


Free Poker Tuesday (or Poker Free Tuesday in my case). Have the phones on and ready!