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Friday, November 18, 2005

Pimpin'. With Quotes! 

"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether."
Hunter S. Thompson
I've stopped and started this post a couple of times but I can't get my booze-addled brain around it. Last night was the standard thursday. The night started out with a crowded bar and ended with me taking IM song requests in the DJ Booth with no one left except myself, BigMike, ScubaSteve, and the crew working. We had the brilliant idea (aren't they all brilliant when you're schnookered?) that we should see about getting a permanent IV line put in. Straight Soco until a designated time and then switch over to RedBull.

I attempted a dial-a-shot with Pauly and SirWaffleHouse when ScubaSteve had some Phish playing. Hands up from everyone surprised that I actually recognized a Phish song. There were IM-a-shots and dial-a-shots. I'm not going to name who I had dial-a-shots with because, frankly, some I don't even remember. I remember Iggy, Blood, and Jo-anada but it started getting a little fuzzy around that time. We were talking of sociology and society and somehow some of it made sense.

Or we were talking about boobs. Same thing. Half of society has boobs and the other half want 'em.

~

BigMike pulled up this here crappy blog from the bar and was insulted that I went an entire day without posting. Apparently it's my job to entertain him. I actually spent yesterday trying to write a short story for Pauly's Truckin'. I have most of it done but it needs the fine tuning of a hungover mind. Plus, I can't figure out how to kill off one of the characters.

~

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

Otis
MeanGene
Tao of Pauly
Iggy
Grubby
BadBlood

"Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous." - Confucius

Double As
HDouble
ScurvyDog
Poker Nerd
UpForPoker Crew
Matt Matros

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." - Timothy Leary

Felicia
Maudie
Heather
April
April
Gracie

"The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it." - Pearl Buck

Wil Wheaton:In Exile
Daddy
BoyGenius
Nickerblog
BobbyBracelet
Jessica Stover

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." - Robert R. Coveyou

Poker Penguin
Ugarte
Pathetic Poker
Human Head
Poker Cheapskate
Slag Pile

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts..." - Dan Quayle

Burn and turn - before the viral email
RikkiDee Brand spanking new

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr

My princess



~

Once again brought to you without spellcheck, grammar check, or any semblance of rhyme or reason.

Cheers

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Whiplash Drinking Game 

I was going to get all fancy with the prose this morning. I've got a touch of the 'bug' brought on by vast amounts of booze consumed in a short amount of time. But something happened while I was getting my muse on. Eva told me something that couldn't be true.

Is it possible that somehow the December blogger gathering will once again fall during the National Finals Rodeo? More cowboys walking through the Excal poker room dying to give away their money? It's too good to be true. And the most important part is that we'll be able to look up on the screens in the Excal poker room and see Whiplash the wonder monkey ride his dog every 30 minutes or so. Nothing gets a bunch of cowboys in a whoop-it-up gambooolin' mood like that little foker rounding up his sheep.

So here's my first proclamation/request for the Vegas gathering. The Whiplash Drinking Game. Every time you see Whiplash on the screen, cheers the bloggers nearest to you and down another shot. An exception will be made for BoyGenius and any bloggers who might be pregnant at the time.

~

Here's my list to message with we Storm the Castle with Otis....

Helixx
StB
PokerStage - John
Gracie
The Blonde

Plus I'll make sure EvaDear and the guys in the Crew know (BigMike, Steve, JDub, Lewey, Landow, etc).

~

Finally, I know that dead parents and Lancaster inbreds are not something to joke about. There's my disclaimer. But while I was reading about some of it yesterday, I came across LancasterOnline.com who are nice enough to have a comment section after their articles. Here's the article but I want you concentrate on the comments below it. These people live very close to here. The best one is below, cut and pasted straight from there. Break out the decoder rings.


"Oh g-d pleas thats like saying a guy a guy saw a gril in a skirt walking povoctivly so he raped her but hell its no this falt she should not have bin wring a skert or walking like that even if its in he middle of manhatten! opin your eyes yes she might have bin planing it with him & i supose there ia a good chants of it but it was all stilhis distion think about it why did he wate till he father was walikng him out the door? why didnt he just shoot them both when he came in the house? why did he do it then & not a difrent time when there was no one there to see it? it would have bin a lot hader for the palice to cach him dont you think?

"& lets just say for arguments sak that she did miipulate him in to merdring her parints & ignore all the other facts that i have just aroused, why did he bring the gun in the first place? what is it they wre planing to do that he could have landed himself in jail? & why did he have to run around the house yelling for her?

"What i think happind was probibly that they were planing on runig away together, but when her parints were going to call every thing to an end (or atleast atempt to) he got pissed & belw up & was quite thinking of the repricotons. It is quite ovis that this was not a pland act so he probibly has anger problims. I think she got scard & ran to her room or something out of feer, or maybe she wasnt even in the room to begin with when it happind, i dont know but hes the one who pould out the gun, hes theone who shout her parints & by doing that took the matter into his oun hands & should have to deal with the repicotions of his actions. "for every action there is an equal & opist reaction" & this is his.

"Fither more she is 14 & he is 18 although it is true most guys are much more imicher then girls, he is still older & should be more mitcher then a 14 & speeking of which how many 14 yearolds do you know that are fantastic at minipulating? Im sorry but i really dont see that being true in the least bit! I dont know why you think shes so teribal? yes if she did help him in anyway of this merder then she should be charded for an act of conpsercy to merder but how could you say a merdrer is incent for his actions & she is gilty for actions that although she might have influintsde she did not actaly do?

"I always tell my friends that this happind or that, or my many times my friends tell me how they are geting aboused or on drugs or something. But it would still be my falt if i went & shot there parints/boyfriend... Drug dealer, & i would be the one who whould & should have to deal with the repricotions. The fact of the matter is he did waht he did & it wasnt even to priect her he did it because he wanted to for what ever raeson & there is no one els to blame for his actions expt him. "

-E.B.
There ya have it folks. The great land of the inbreds.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I imagine there are some Eagles fans ready to jump off the nearest bridge. Don't count me as one of them. It was a tough loss. Pretty much the same thing that happened to Dallas a couple of weeks ago against Washington.

Sport moves in cycles. This is just another one. So I won't be jumping from any bridge, or calling for the return of T.O., or questioning. I'll leave that to the idiots on talk radio.

That doesn't mean I don't care. I'm just not going to be one of the 'tards. I will, however, drink heavily at the first opportunity.

Because I can.

~

There was a co-worker seen on national TV last night during the game. One of the newbies in our group was seen sitting down low on the 50 yard line. Bastard! I need to renegotiate my friggin' salary so I can get those tickets. Somebody get Drew Rosenhaus on the phone for me.

~

Idiotic statement of the week. Last night Stewart Scott said, "Obviously T.O. is a factor in this game because we are still talking about him."

Douche.

~

Just to show where my brain was yesterday, I completely forgot half the stuff I wanted to write about including the wild Chicago game. The quarterbacks combined COMBINED for 95 total passing yards. Most fun game to watch in Chicago since the infamous Fog Bowl game. At least in this game you could see the receiver you were missing.

And that first field goal look remarkably like one of my tee shots.

Fore!

~

Serbs line up for testicle shocks

"Men in Serbia are lining up to have electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment."

How 'bout an electric, self imposed, shock to the junk?

~

Scott asked why we didn't have a bet on the Eagles/Cowboys game. He's right. We should have but it's too late now. I have a new proposal for a bet.

I'll make a wager with you on the Dallas/Chiefs game being played on December 11th. The only catch? You have to be in Vegas with us watching the game in order to cash in. See you in Vegas?

~

Otis came up with a great idea for Storming the Castle this trip. Too much planning takes the spontaneity out of it. He has a list of 5 people to message when he's ready, those 5 people message 5 people, and so on.

I have yet to name my 5. Check out the post. If you're not already listed by someone, I'm taking the first 5 who need to be contacted.

Hit me!

~

What happens when nature turns into a live KungFo battle. Screw Godzilla.

Praying Mantis vs. The Hummingbird!

"This was an unfortunate experience for the hummer...." No shit?

~

No Boathouse poker tonight. I'll have to find other reasons to booze it up on a Tuesday. I'll probably go out and see Phil's band play tonight and make inappropriate dial-a-shot calls in the middle of the week. Who's wit me?

~

Finally, after rambling about non-sense, here's a T-Shirt that I found on RuthlessJack's site.

Enjoy.

Cheers.

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Monday, November 14, 2005

For the handful of readers left over and might be wondering about the inspiration behind the last post, it started the night before when I found myself installing ceiling fans and such. The next night was spent hanging with the crew and 3 blokes from across the pond. I went from domestic to retarded in 24 hours. Very confusing.

So I reached deep down and that was the crap that came out of my brain. Lovely, init?

~

What a soul crushing weekend. It's been awhile since work has demanded that I carry the primary oncall pager. And it sucked the life right out of me. I missed the three blogger tourneys, Phil's band playing friday night, and I don't know how many shows that luckily I have DVR'd.

But I wouldn't be missing Sunday football. Even if Eva and BigMike weren't interested, I still made the weekly pilgrimage.

I had 5 games set up in my tunnel vision. Minn/NYG on the big screen. Buffalo/KC, Indy/Houston, Arizona/Detroit (really?), and Miami/NE on the screen in front of me. We quickly added the Chicago game once we saw the first field goal attempt in hurricane-style winds. High comedy. Here are my cruddy, squishy-headed thoughts....

- Field goal kickers. KC/Buffalo/Minn/NYG kickers managed to go 4 for 11 in field goal attempts. Chicago/SanFran managed to hit 4 of 6 (nevermind the miss at halftime was run back 108 yards) in gale force winds.

- Watching Tom Coughlin going complete apeshit was my second favorite moment of the early games.

- Mike Tice gets smeared on the sidelines in NY almost immediately followed by a security guy getting blasted in Buffalo by a great Lee Evans TD. Poor guy had no idea that was coming.

- As far as hits, my favorite (other then Love Boat Captain Tice getting whooped), was poor ol' Brad Johnson getting plastered by Gibril Wilson. Johnson had to be thinking about sitting on his nice comfy couch watching the game from home.

- Roy Williams made some tough/great catches early. Huge game.

- If you ever want to know how to bet on the NFL, go read Drizz, then do the opposite. (sorry, had to be done)

- In Week 10, we finally have a JJ Arrington appearance. Wasn't this guy supposed to be a top fantasy football pick?

- I picked this week to bring Cedric Benson off my fantasy football bench. Snap. I'm no doctor but knees aren't supposed to bend that way.

- I said this yesterday just enough times to piss off our friend Doogie. Can we just go ahead and induct Eli Manning into the Hall of Fame now? How much pre-game ass kissing, buttering up, can the mediots lay on a second year starter? 4 interceptions stopped that in a hurry.

- Also on Eli Manning, I will never be happy if Eli Manning does well. For the same reason I never gave a rat's ass about John Elway. If you know your football, you know why. (hint. Baltimore/Denver SanDiego/NYGiants)

- Tom Brady is quickly developing the bad Manning trait. Looking completely pissed off at the rest of his teammates during the down times. Body language says alot.

- Who would you take if San Fran and Baltimore battled it out in the 2005 Toilet Bowl? Would it be a zero zero tie?

- Giants and Washington lose. Oh happy day.

- Alstott was down though. In my honest opinion.

- How is it possible Torry Holt did not see that TD pass coming his way? Another FFL mention. Yeah, I started him. Yeah, I lost by a friggin' touchdown.

- Shaun Alexander shows how you're supposed to play in a contract year. The complete opposite of Jamal Lewis.

~

Right around midpoint of the late games, the booze was in full effect. I might not have realized there were games on except for the occasional shout from another patron. Phil had shown up as well as Terry, the lovely Boathouse bartender/drinker.

Then the dial-a-shot started going. If I mumbled something on your voicemail, I apologize.

If I called your wife at the hospital, oops.

If I actually got ahold of you and I seemed to make since, that was an accident. I left a voicemail for BigMike and he claims I wasn't even speaking english.

eh, so be it.

Posts may be few and far between. Very little booze, no boathouse poker tourney, house crap. Might make for a slow week. Hopefully you'll stick around.

Cheers.

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