Friday, October 14, 2005

Friday, sucky, Friday 

I'm going to be all over the place today. Horrid day so far and the fuzzies aren't helping. For that reason, I'm postponing my blogger questions until this weekend.


You may notice a new graphic on the right. I signed up as a Poker Stars affliate. Not that I think I should get a damned penny for writing this crap. As a matter of fact, I should probably be paying you for putting up with me. But I'm going with the same idea for when I signed up on Full Tilt. Hank started working for them and I figured to help a little by throwing up a banner. For the record, I've had exactly 2 people clear the requirements to get me credit. And one of those was Landow. Now I'll throw a banner up since Otis is with Stars.

You'll see I don't have anything for Party, Noble, Titan, or any of the other rubbish sites. I don't care if they live or die. Except for Party. Everyone needs their regular intake of fish to keep the bankroll healthy. Plus, I'm certainly not getting on other's who do this. They work a hell of alot harder on their sites. They deserve everthing they can get. I just write whatever pops into the ol' melon.

So there you have it. I'm a sell out. Shill. Feel free to ignore it. At least it doesn't blink.

Why not take the oppurtunity to sign up for the Online Poker Blogger Championship. Gack, once you start down this path, you can never stop!


OK, this is weird to me. They published the top 10 referrer list for the Blogger Championship. Amazingly, I'm in the top 10. Even more amazing is the rest of the list. How the HELL did I get on it?

1. Dr. Pauly - Uber poker blogger
2. Up For Poker - The Super blog with Otis, CJ, and G-Rob
3. Wil Wheaton - Monster Internet Celebrity
4. Jan from 50Outs- Professional poker player
5. Bill Rini - Full Tilt Superstar
6. Matt Matros - Professional poker player
7. Mouth breating moron
8. DoubleAs - Huge poker brain
9. Poker Chronicles - Professional poker player
10. ScurvyDog - Huge poker brain part II

You see what I mean? Seriously, I'm retarded. Go read one of them. Iggy has his UK trip report. As a token of thanks, if I managed to slip into the Top 5 and get a free fleece, I will cut it up and share it with everyone who registered under my blog.

Sofa King We Todd It

And 1200+ players so far?! I think I made a common mistake. When I got the original email, I thought it was the Online Poker Blogger Championship. Turns out that it's actually the Online Poker Blogger Championship. Who knew?

Hey, click me click me! (god I feel dirty and nasty. I'm done, I swear)


Wil Wheaton is hosting a private tourney tonight on Stars today. I won't make it due to the time but I'll stop by when I get home to sweat whoever is left.

What: WWdN Where's My Burrito? Invitational
Where: PokerStars.
When: Friday, October 14th. 4:00 PM EST
Password: monkey
Tournament number: 13722477
Buy-in: $10+1

News from New Orleans:

Cafe Du Monde set to reopen.

Voodoo Music Experience returns for 1 day.

Mardi Gras is gonna roll!

The Hotel Monteleone is now taking reservations. If you want to catch me in my natural element, that's where I'll be at the end of February.


I get a ton of email jokes but this one cracked me up, figured I'd share. What it would look like if men answered an advice column:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Finally, why you never heard of looter in Texas. For Scott.


Thursday, October 13, 2005

Ask Al the Incompetent 

Here are answers to some of the questions asked. I was only able to get to a couple of the email questions.

Enjoy the steaming pile o' poo then read someone better.


From WillieTheWise: When will Chelsea lose?


OK, you probably want a more detailed guess. I don't think they'll lose a League match this year. Call it boring soccerfootball, but the defense is too tough. Last year they only gave up a record 15 league goals and they may top that this season. Everyone is battling now for the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th spot in the table.

We'll see if they can manage to not choke in LiverpoolEurope this time around.

To answer the question, when will they lose? Fall 2006, away, against Aston Villa (throwing that in for Pinky)

From Steve: How about the detailed history of Al and his love of Soco? Where did it start? Did the Soco have any competition? Estimated consumption of the beverage in your lifetime?

My first time drinking Soco is easy to remember. I was a late bloomer when it comes to drinking. I was one of the teeny tiny minority that didn't actually have a drink before they were of age. Go figure. Look at me now. I was around 22, 23 years old and still finding my place in the drinking world. Meanwhile, I'd be sitting at the bar with my best friend Brad and he's knocking back Jack Daniels like they're nothing. Sooner or later I decide I want to really see how big and bad he is. I tell him I'm going shot for shot with him (drinking something other than JD). This is the same mistake I tell others not to try with me now.

We went to a bar to see our friends band play, Brad orders up his JD and I make the fateful decision to go with Soco. Somewhere are the middle of the second set, I was chunkin' like a champ in the rest room. Brad threw me in the back of his car, went back in the bar, and continued where he left off. Many hours later he poured me in the front door of my house.

A legend was born. Brad, that is.

I've been in love with the stuff ever since. I certainly picked up my tolerance to silly levels and nothing else has come close to competing for my time. I'm much too afraid to even begin even a vague calculation of my lifetime consumption. Current levels are high. A fifth of the nectar is a good start to the night, I'll let you know how I feel after the second.

From robery: How does a guy score a girl like Eva...?

This is a simple one. Be desireless. Be excellent. Be gone. Bonus points for anyone beside Heafy.

or be great looking, hung like a horse, and make ridiculous amounts of money. Now neither was is how I did it but they would probably work. I scored a girl like Eva the easy way. First, you've got to make sure you find a good Catholic girl. They have these crazy ideas about divorce and that is critical in this trap play. Then you keep her drunk for the entire length of your pre-marital relationship. When she finally sobers up after the honeymoon, she's gonna be really really pissed off that she's been duped but thanks to the whole Catholic thing, there's nothing she can do about it.


From Drizz: Why would someone tattoo a name to the back of their neck?

I don't know. Maybe the saw it on one of the prisoners from Oz? I'm the wrong guy to ask. I'm a modern day freak. No piercings, no tattoos, no desire for either. Completely off subject and in addition to the previous questions. The wifey has a stud through her tongue. Yes, you are right. I am a lucky man.

From Heafy: When will you learn to "hang"? Will you become "Al Can Hang" or "Al is learning to hang" or perhaps "Al is improving his hanging, one hang at a time"?

I'm pretty much stuck with this nickname for the rest of my life. The quick version of the story....

Around 10 years ago, a large club with a deck called The Lagoon opened near me. My friends band was playing, I saw a bunch of old friends I hadn't seen in awhile, no food, ridiculous amounts of Soco. Somewhere around the third set someone from the roadcrew found me passed out in an unused men's restroom. Paramedics were called, I was stuck full of needles, and I woke up in the hospital staring up at my parents. My blood alcohol level was a near death .46 and the morgue was waiting.

The band that night was already calling me AlCantHang, but now the name was going to stick. They wrote a song which eventually found it's way onto a hidden track on one of their CD's in acoustic form.

I could show the ability to power chug 3 bottles of Soco back to back and I will never shake the AlCantHang name.

From Beck: What's the best way to put an elderly Asian woman on tilt?

Ask for the status of the House Special Chow Fun you ordered? That is the answer that is going to get me in trouble.

From BobbyBracelet: How come there are more ugly people than good looking people? Shouldn't there be roughly equal amounts?

That's a tough question for me. I'm one of the majority of ugly people. I think the important point from your question.... are you trying to justify your 'situation' from the Bash at the Boat?

From Andy: Best place's in Vegas for people who think they're better than the average tourist (me) to pick on those who think they're better than the average tourist? Where are the fish bowls?

First you have to understand something. I AM a fish. Ask anyone. I'm a horrible poker player. If I'm in Vegas, the fishiest room is the one I'm playing in. FlipChip has a bunch of recent poker room reviews. From my limit knowledge, it seems everyone likes the fishiness of Excalibur and Aladdin.

Four from Chilly: What is a high wrap?

4 big cards in Omaha with a pretty flop giving you more outs than you can count by the time the betting gets to you. In a simple example, you're holding KKQJ with a flop of T-9-A. Assuming a rainbow flop (because I'm too lazy), you're mind is busy between calculating your outs and trying to figure how to spend the money you're about to win.

I should write more about this, but again, I'm lazy and a really horrible poker player.

Why don't you raise with the low?

It's not that I never raise the low. I'm raising for one of two reasons. Push players out of the pot or to build the pot. At my LIMIT levels, the first never happens. If I don't have 70% of the players seeing the flop, I'm at the wrong table. So the only reason I am raising in my level is to build the pot. MY pot. This is O8, I'm looking for the scoop and nothing but the scoop. That's where I'm going to make my money. If I'm sitting on a made nut low and have no chance of making a high AND I know (with relative certainty) my low is going to get quartered, why should I build the pot for the fishy about to get 50% and I'm only getting 25%? One of the best times at the O8 table is the fishies ramming and jamming with the low when you know at worst you're getting 3/4 of the pot.

And Drizz is wrong, people raising the low do not tilt me. Nut peddlers are tilt proof in O8. Plus, he plays PL while I stick to plain, boring limit.

There, two poker questions answered. All of a sudden I feel like DoubleAs and his poker mind. I am severely retarded.

Have you viewed any of your soon to be neighbor's films?

Hells no! And do you think I've seen any of the free porn they were talking about? Never! But not for lack of trying, looking, hunting, searching, for any mention, picture, or video.

How long will Damien Duff be sidelined?

Initially it didn't look that bad. But here in the NFL, we just saw Deuce McAllister walk off the field with a shredded ACL. Last year T.O. walked off on a broken leg.

Tough to tell. Chelsea says they're going to wait and see. Duff's agent says he'll definitely need minor surgery on his knee and looking at the middle of November for a return. I guess this is where the money and depth on the bench come in handy.


There, just want you would normally expect. A bunch of moronic ramblings about things I know nothing about. Tomorrow I'm going to hit up 10 bloggers with questions. Answer here in comments, email, or on your blog. I'm going to hit some old ones and new ones.


Brazilian Women's Soccer Team. I'm sure.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Ouch, for real this time 

I'm used to pain in the mornings. It just comes with the territory. But every once in awhile it's a little bit different. A pain that announces itself as opposed to the normal eye pulsing, liver killing, "I swear I'll never do that again", dull grind of your body pretending that it's mildly pissed off at you. Sometimes you wake up with a sharp pain that immediately makes your brain scream, "oh shit, what did I do?" This morning I found that pain in my wrist. My left wrist to be exact. For those sick bastards wondering, that would be my 'off' hand or 'strange' hand. Probably means I didn't sprain it with some extracurricular solo 'spackling' session in the bathroom before passing out.

That leaves a complete mystery. I know I didn't get in a fight. I never fight at the Boat. Bad for business.

I don't remember falling. Since Lewey was there last night, I'm sure he would have let me know. Over and over like I remind him.

Eva was still out when I got home so I didn't hurt it slapping her around to keep her in line. I kid! Jokes! Just jokes! If I looked at her cross eyed she'd kick my ass.

I'm sure I couldn't possibly have sprained it playing Golden Tee. That would be weak.

There is no end to this story. That's it. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how the fook I managed to put a world class hurting on my wrist without the least little clue how I managed it.

This has been another public service announcement brought to you by the makers of Southern Comfort. Do not let this happen to you!


Since I was at the bar last night, and for the record I busted out early and spent the rest of the night boozing it up and playing Golden Tee, I missed ESPN covering Day 1a of the WSoP Main Event. This was the day I spent in Vegas visiting with Pauly so I naturally had the DVR setup to record. Hey, I might see myself on the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

That day I spent a decent amount of time sitting next to Pauly with a front row seat in the media area. I was there while Raymer made a big run at the feature table. Also, later that night, myself, Grubby, and Glyphic took up seats in the bleacher area. (at least I think Glyphic was there. It might have just been me and Grubby but I was feeling booze-ilicious by then).

Sure enough, when I got home last night I had a half dozen emails from people saying they thought they saw me. I started running through the episode and we get to Raymer's first big hand at the main table. He beats QQ with AK. But while the guy with QQ is considering, there, for all the wonderful world to see, is my big fat meat mellon looking like a dope right in the middle of the freaking screen. Good lord, I certainly have a face made for radio. I showed it to the wifey this morning. She just smiled and shook her head. Not a smile that said "that's cool" but a smile that said "damn, I married a whacko".

Pauly's the rock star, I'm the whacko. If you happen to see it, you'll also see the back of Otis' head behind me.

That wasn't even my favorite part of the broadcast. At the beginning of the day they show Jen Harmon getting crushed by a one outter straight flush on the river and she takes a walk. First, the camera pans right over Pauly, then she disappears. I was sitting out in the hall talking to Amy Calistri when Jen comes storming out. Amy and I both commented that she did not look happy at all. That's when she spits out the bile and gives us the story of what you saw on TV. "devastated" was the word she used more than once. On Day 1 of the biggest tournament, sitting at the first TV table, she got brutalized.

Grubby, Glyphic, and I were also at the rail for the hand where Chris Ferguson stayed alive by beating an amateur's two pair on the river. Some ESPN time warp goodness as that hand happened later in the day then they make it out to be.

Anyway, there is my .15 seconds of fame.

Autograph requests are first come first served unless you are a female requiring a body part to be signed.


Tomorrow I'll answer the Ask Al! questions so keep sending them. Until then, I'm going in search of a hangover-killing, all-pork-product sandwich.

I leave you with a pic of someone trying out to bartend the next Bash at the Boat. Think he's got what it takes?


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Good bye ol' friend 

In just little over 2 weeks we settle on our first house. It's a nice little end unit 3 bedroom townhouse. Don't get any ideas about lil' Can't Hangs running around in those extra bedrooms. The U.N. is still banning me from breeding. World safety and all. I'm lazy, no 'home workshop' skills, and I despise yard work. A townhouse is perfect.

But I will be letting something go in return. No more pick up and travel at the drop of hat. I got a little curious today and added up the number of miles I've flown this year just for pleasure. In the last 12 months, I've flown over 28,000 miles. A huge chunk of that on a total whim. On 4 of the trips I made plans less than a week ahead of time. Bahamas, Minnesota, L.A., and the last Vegas trip to hang with Pauly.

Just a little glimpse of what we're giving up.

St. Martin
Las Vegas December Blogger gathering. Pictures strictly verboten
Bahamas - Otis surprise aka Eva molests Fossileman
Minnesota - coldest day there EVER. I know Chris has pics, but I can't find 'em.
Los Angeles - I sold myself on EBay.
Key West - Drinking the deck
Las Vegas - Second blogger gathering - more great pics never to see the internet.
Las Vegas - Hanging with Pauly
G-Vegas - Brad-o-ween! Pictures mysteriously missing.

My good friend Spontaneous Travel, oh how I'll miss you.


Mardi Gras 2006! Hotel Monteleone will begin taking reservation on October 13th. See you there.

Ha! That's not spontaneous!


Did anyone catch the baseball game last night? I missed it. Although I did get an email from someone in California saying "NOT IN OUR HOUSE".


I'm going to try something I haven't done in a year. Pauly gets emails all the time with questions, but I haven't done this since last winter.

Ask Al!

I'm taking on any questions. Use email or comments. Nothing is off limits. When I'm done, it's my turn to ask questions. This is how I found out way back in the olden days that BadBlood was also a metal-head.

Let's learn together.

Hit me!

And another ACHE/BoyGenius email post is in the works.


One link before I go.

Who here thinks they've got any skills at Beer Pong? Certainly not G-Rob.

The 2006 World Series of Beer Pong!


Monday, October 10, 2005

Junk, junk, junk, and cleavage 

Where to start?

Red Sox and Braves are gone from the baseball playoffs. Happy times. Now I just have to wait for YankMe's to fold up shop, Angels or against the White Sox will do.

Penn State is back in the Top 10 after a flashback game to the glory days. Joe Pa on the field afterwards invoking the name of Shane Conlan. Good times. Next up, Michigan in the Big House. I can't even rag on the Michigan brothers because they're Michigan State fans. That game will come a little later.

What else?

Oh, England snuck by the Austrian powerhouse to qualify for the 2006 World Cup. Michael Owen (who had to move to Newcastle for a starting position) has claimed England to be the second best team in the world with only Brazil maybe better.

Speaking of the land across the pond, not long after writing the last post about my failed dial-a-shot attempts I received a call for a shot from Pinky and the Blogfather himself hanging out in a pub in London. Iggy refusing a shot of whiskey. Scandalous.

Anything else happen this weekend? Oh yeah, my Eagles got smacked around by the Cowboys on national television. With Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in my ears again. Torture.

I'm officially asking all the crazy Eagles fans to please, calmly back away from the ledge. It's not that bad. Conference games are always tough and can be lopsided. Did you not think the NFC East had significally improved in the off season? Off the ledge please and make way for the Red Sox fans.

1. The Eagles defense made their adjustments at half time holding them to 6 points. The offense didn't. Losing LJ Smith was huge for the offense.

2. To people who say T.O. played that game at full speed, I call bullshit.

3. The Eagles will always get an opponents A game. Wait until Dallas chokes one up to Arizona or Detroit.

4. What was the crap between Keshawn and Bledsoe when they were up three TD's? According to those in the know, shouldn't that have been happening on the Eagles sideline?

Just everybody relax. Bledsoe will go back to the good ol' Bledsoe of 2005. Terry Glenn just shot his wad for the year. Keyshawn is still the slowest man in football besides Bledsoe.

Troy Aikman made a classic quote straight from what BrothaCaucci called the Dan Dierdorf School of Broadcasting. Something along the lines of "In games like these, you hope your defense can make some stops." As opposed to the other 15 games where you're just kinda trying to win.

In happier news, my Fantasy Football teams continue the slow rot and the first week of fantasy hockey looks to be going the same direction.



Due to scheduling problems, I didn't get to spend the early games sitting in front of a half dozen TV's watching the early games. No thoughtful insights from the drunken mind of an idiot. Try not to cry too too much.

Once I got to the bar I spent the time watching three TV's, the Eagles/Cowboys, Colts/49ers (making sure my FFL team lost again), and Astros/Braves. I was still feeling out of it from the flu. My first double sat in front of me for a hour before I even thought about it. Of course that opened the flood gates and I feel much better today.

I can't quite remember if the evening ended with a pumpkin or a gourd but either way, I don't want to talk about it.


I'm adding even more links to the right as I keep remembering/being reminded of those I've forgotten. I'm an equal opportunity linker, except for the those bastard junk mailers.

Poker in Iowa
Poker, Pique and Parenthood
Dnasty 13
Midget Monkey Pirate Clown
Poker Cheapskate
Fat Dan
Poker Stage
Hells Satan Poker
Slag Pile
Infant Days Sleepless Night
Steal the Blinds
Low Limit Grinder
Baseball Nation

Unfortunately I had to trim a couple, the most unfortunate has been Mas - Poker Genius. He was one of my favorites. I guess there could only be on Genius.



Is there a sport I forgot to mention in this post? Tennis anyone?