Saturday, October 08, 2005

The mighty Al has struck out 

A post on Saturday? How the heck does that happen. I never post during the weekend. Not to mention that I've been up and moving since 7am on a Saturday. I blame it all on the world class flu the hit me like a locomotive on Thursday. That meant no post on Thursday, and definitely nothing yesterday as I spent the vast majority of the time in a cold medicine induced coma. Finally, 7 this morning by body decided it was refusing any further sleep.

You know their ain't shit on at 7am on Saturday? So I threw Arena Rock on the cable box, opened up Stars, and notepad for this.

Thursday after work, I was feeling like my head was a balloon too full of air. Being the drunk I am, I thought I could just drink it away. Eva was heading out with her friend for bowling (gack) so I grabbed my sister-in-law and off to the bar we went. With Eva away, the idiots came out to play. It started with Deanna getting hit on with great passion by the magician from the Bash.

But the best one was a hammerhead named Marc. With a C he insisted in his drunken, practically incoherent mutterings. There was a couple sitting to my right, with Deanna on the left. The boyfriend gets up and I'm there with the only two good looking women in the bar at that point. Marc's radar must have gone off. He walked up and starts talking to me like I should give a shit since he's there all the time. More than me, he says! Wacko. He immediately starts running the lame lines on Deanna and she's not buying. She even told the guy we lived together. Nothing was turning this guy away. The poor guy then decides he needs to do some shots. I start loading him up with Boathouse doubles and he's really running on empty. Until he latches onto the girl to the right.

Having run out of lines, he decides to read the "How to pick up girls" book backwards. Starts asking the girls how old they are, how much do they weigh, their sizes, etc. We're stunned but the girls are playing around with it. Hey, it was a slow night at the bar, you have to grab the entertainment anyway you can. Sean (the other girls boyfriend) starts buying drunk Marc shots of Jameson. Now we've got the guy alternating between Soco and Jameson, he's forgotten about his beer, and I don't even mind when he ends up smoking the rest of my Marlboro's. This is what I put up with to get stories for you. Halfway through, Deanna leans over and says, "This is going on the blog, isn't it?"

The Marc portion of the night ended suddenly with him making the unfortunate decision to grab my hair and yank as hard as he could. There are very few things which take me from nice comfortable happy-go-lucky drinker to seeing-red furious drunk. This is one of those things.

Hopefully Marc's friends got him home safely.


The evening begins winding down, Deanna is sobering up, ScubaSteve is playing our songs. Deanna gets a call and finds out that her boyfriend is on his way to the bar.

Time for her second wind.

She dives headfirst back into the booze. Soco, Stoli, BlackHouse, and DirtyGirlScouts.

While this was going on, I decided to break in the new AlCantHang Dial-A-Shot unit. No more stealing BigMike's minutes, or cheesing off the wife by running down her battery.

Now there are few excuses. I wrote earlier in the week that an unknown 610 number may call at anytime.

First up, I know G-Vegas has to have a Thursday night game going.

BadBlood. No answer. My first 'shot' was off target. Very disappointing.

G-Rob. He's GOT to be answering. Nope. Nada. Although bonus points for returning the call at 1:30am.

Steve. My fellow harddrinking brother. Voicemail. Depression is starting to kick in.

Otis is out of the question. I made the mistake of calling him in London the week before. Unfortunate decision on my part.

CJ, the last member of UpForPoker available. We've got a bingo! On the fourth call, the first dial-a-shot from the new phone goes through. That's something they can never take away from you CJ! btw, I am, and will always be, severly retarded.

Now I'm feeling cocky when I hit with the next attempt. There's BobbyBracelet, picking up the phone and knocking back a coldy.

The bases are loaded, one more hit and I call my dial-a-shot session a success. Piece of cake, right?


Drizz, strike one!
Gracie, strike two!
Pauly. You can always count on Pauly. He doesn't sleep for christsake. Nope. Strike Three and I call it a night.

I'm taking new dial-a-shot phone here.


Saturday morning. I'll be demaned skippy if I'm paying $25 to watch the England/Austria match. So I'm stuck 'watching' on Gamecast. No lie, this was a line that just popped up in the commentary.

43Min - The Austrian team have good hair. They look a very fashion-conscious squad. Their substition bench looks like an advert for Vidal Sassoon.
My goodness. I certainly needed to know that.


Baseball is in the full swing of playoffs and NOW my friend Mike decides to pick up his baseball blog after one attempt back in February. Go check him out and say hi.


I added a crapload of links on the right. Check 'em out.

After a quick proof read, I've decided this is another pile of poo. Hey, maybe I'll just post more tomorrow. Right now, quantity > quality.



Last but not least, for those yet to convert to the 'beautiful game'..... Some call it soccer, others call it football....

Click for larger image

I'm half tempted to start a caption contest with this pic, but it's too easy and Daddy would top them all.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005

We've got a porn star moving next door! 

I can't make this stuff up. Eva and I left for work this morning and found a flyer under the windshield wiper.

What a lovely little 'burg we live in. Check out the evil person moving into town. This is word for word from the flyer.


There is an urgent need to act now in regard to a person who may move into Phoenixville in the near future. Audria, of Philadelphia may move to ### 2nd Avenue in our borough.

Audria has posed both semi-nude and totally naked in the past. In addition, she has participated in pornographic sex videos performing both oral and anal sex acts on videotape.

Not that all this is bad enough, but we have also learned that between Friday, October 7th through Thursday, October 20th there will be random distribution of pornographic photos of Audria throughout the area of Phoenixville.

This must not happen in Phoenixville!!! Children live here.

To stop this before is does happen, please call 610-xxx-xxxx.

Leave a message or tell the person who answers that you will not tolerate the filth and obscenity associated with pornography. This may be permissible in Philadelphia, but not in Phoenixville.

Thank you.


Phoenixville Citizens against Pornography
Score, free porn AND property rates should sky rocket! And who knew that we had a Phoenixville Citizens against Pornography? Why wasn't I told.

Unfortunately, the firewall at work is seriously protesting when I attempt to google any of this. Have at it.

These people are idiots. Mind your own damned business and leave the porn stars alone.


So far, with 17 days left until the Stars freeroll, 640+ people are registered. 640+! Sweet merciful crap. Someone needs to come up with a good last longer bet amongst the poker bloggers. So many sheep, so few shears.


If that last two weeks are any indication, I should do pretty well in the freeroll. Money tourney? I'm fooked. Freeroll? Bring it on. I won the Boathouse Poker challenge last week, this week I came in second for the regular tourney. Blind ass drunk to boot. That's the secret. Booooooze + Freeroll = Big Money.

Trust me on this.

You'll also be able to blog like me, a true prefessional blogger(sic). Just ask me, I'll tell ya. Didn't I tell you that I'm a cult figure in Falkirk, Scotland and other parts of the UK? Most likely because they find it amusing to watch an idiot Yank prattle on about their beautiful game. I also seem to have quite a following in South East Asia. I'm going to chalk those hits up to their love of all things Lohan. And for the record, I am number 9 on the Yahoo search for "Super Huge Ass India Girl". Bingo! Internet celebrity, here I come.

I have no idea how I got from writing about the freeroll to my neverending spew of stupidity. I'm hungover and just slightly this side of nutso. Turn on those damned sarcasm detectors again. I kid 'cause I can.


By the way, for what it's worth, the chinese food we ordered for lunch tastes like refried monkey's ass. I've never had refried monkey's ass before, but it has to be something like this.


I got some great responses to the movie question yesterday although it's gonna take a lot of booze and convincing to put Sixteen Candles on the list.

Here's the next topic.

I'm not a male chauvinist pig but here's one thing that men for the most part will always be better at than the average female.

Movie quotes.

Hit me with the best movie quotes of all time (and I'm going to limit BrothaCaucci to his top 10, only so much space for comments). Here are some starters....

"If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you, and you'll both be nice. I want you to remember that it's a job. It's nothing personal." - Roadhouse

"Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude." - Fast Times at Ridgemont High

"Fredo - you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever." - The Godfather

"Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you all until you fucking die. I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk." - Full Metal Jacket

"I ain't got time to bleed." - Predator (the two governor movie)


Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Hell bound 

Click on the image for the full size.

I laughed my ass off when I got this in email from Arne. If you'll recall, Arne was the one who had me knighted in the Order of St. Arnold for our anniversary. A reaction quote from the BoyGenius, "That will probably be St. Peter's final straw."

Since I'm already going to hell, how 'bout a nice little song from the new album by Stephen Lynch. Enjoy.


"Those who prefer to carp go on about Chelsea's money - there is a tinge of jealousy in this.

"Money does not equate to success unless it is used wisely and there is a hunger and desire in the camp.

"Huge sums of money do not necessarily mean hard work - in some cases it can mean the opposite.

"But you watch those Chelsea players when the chips are down at places like Anfield and they are burning with desire, hunger and determination."

Alan Hansen - Liverpool

How 'bout some pimpin'?

Pauly has the new edition of Truckin' up and posted. Daddy is one sick fook. Also writing this month, JoeSpeaker, HumanHead, and Pauly.

Poker advice? I'll give you two and you decide which is best. Felicia - Maximizing value in Omaha8 or SirWiffleBall and his 6-Max strategy.

Mega shortstacked Flying Lemur

Brand new link. Dinane is just getting her new site up and running. She started the new blog with a series of stories that start in Toronto and end at Foxwoods playing poker.Go say hi.

There are several new bloggers that I've lost their emails that I wanted to pimp. Shoot me an email at LinkWithAl@yahoo.com.


In honor of Heafy and his impending nuptials (plus his first trip to a Strip Club!).

Riding into work this morning, one of the radio stations was discussing The Warriors - The Ultimate Directors Cut. They started coming up with movies that are required watching to be considered a 'guy'.

Here are 5 off the top of my head. Comments expected.

1. Godfather I and II
2. Full Metal Jacket
3. Braveheart
4. Saving Private Ryan
5. Scarface

Minus points for saying Rounders. That's a given.



Monday, October 03, 2005

NFL, MLB, EPL, and a Bash oops 

Yesterday was an odd day for football watching. The Chargers were on early, the Eagles were on late, and Phil was hanging out at the competitors bar. The start of the day found me sitting at the bar by myself, then halfway through the early games, JDub, Kenna, Caucci, BigMike, and Eva show up at the same time effectively moving me from my front row seat to the back row.

I apologize to all the Phillie's fans out there. I jinxed 'em hardcore. We had the Phillies/Nationals game on in the corner (remarkable during football season) and the Cubs/Astros game on Mike's laptop using MLB's gamecast.

Phillies are winning and the Cubs just went ahead 4 to 3. What did I do? Sit back and wait for the end of the game? Hells no. I started calling around to friends to see if they wanted me to order them tickets for the one game playoff today. Mike had the website ready to order the tickets.

I'm an idiot.

Wham whack and the Astros are back on top 6 to 4 and I'm playing the part of Most Retarded Fan. We 'watched' the rest of the Astros game on the laptop. The Eagles were down but it was only the first half (they're a second half team, don't ya know?), talking JDub off the ledge was getting tiresome so I just got him super drunk and let him jump off the Eagles bandwagon for the 4th week in a row. Next week he'll need a ticket to get back on.

I was hopeful when the Cubs had runners on second and third with two outs, but the Cubs turned into the Cubs and the Phils are still the Phils with plenty of time to work on that golf fame.


One of the biggest cheers in the bar was when Kermit the Kicker made his extra point (bonus points for the reference).


For those who have tried to call for a dial-a-shot, only to get the missus on the phone a million miles and a million bars away from where I was, behold, I announce that I have stepped up into modern times. The wife made me get bought me a cell phone for my birthday. I don't think it has the GPS tracking but who knows. If you get a call from an unknown number in the 610 area code, it just might be me.


Quick thougts of the games I saw between the Phillies, booze, and boobs.

- Buffalo is horrible. New Orleans is not a good team and Buffalo should have won easily.

- Donte Stallworth has hands of steel.

- Aaron Brooks looks like Randall Cunningham. That is if Randall Cunningham was slow, awkward, and had the self confidence of a pig in the Miss America pageant.

- I haven't seen the highlight shows yet but I hope they show poor Terrence McGee. With :05 on the clock for the half, his kick off return was all over the place and he made it inside the 5 for exactly zero points.

- Peyton Manning finally looks like himself and I think I'm STILL going to lose both FFL games. Bastards!

- God damned SeaChickens. Nothing but rats with wings. They gack another one. Painful when you consider there was a particularly obnoxious DeadSkins fan that needed shutting up. Mike Holmgren must go. Using Bill Simmons logic about coaches named Mike....

- Mike Martz is the worst coach in the history of the NFL. Ever. My dead grandmother could out coach him. Week 4 example? Calling a trick play inside the 5 yard line. Instead of 7 points, they fumble, and the Giants drive for a score. 14 point turn around that didn't need to happen.

- Every time I see Plaxico Burress, I can't help but remember and chuckle. Rookie year, made a catch over the middle and went down. Untouched. Ee spiked the ball for the best fumble in history. My IQ score just went for even mentioning his name.

- San Diego, Super Chargers! 24 unanswered points against the Champs.

- Two straight weeks I have to listen to that tool Phil Simms. Do you think Phil could let Brady play for a couple more years before declaring him better than Marino? Sure he has the rings, but it's not Marino's fault he doesn't. I place that blame squarely on Don "The Most Overrated Coach Ever" Shula. Phil Simms is a douchebag.

- And just one step above him is the first ballot jagoff hall-o-famer Joe Buck. Christ, he makes me really miss Madden / Summerall. I'd even settle for Don Criqui / Rich Gannon.

- Colts, 1 penalty for 10 yards, Raiders, 13 penalties for 85 yards. Colts record, 4-0. Raiders, 1-3.
- I did not watch a single play of the TB/Detroit game. That would have been 4 hours of my life that I could never get back. Not sure if "Cadillac" Williams' carries were down because of he was ineffective, Detroit's D, or they've decided to take it easy on the rookie.

- Anybody get a look at the steel fence surrounding the field in Mexico City? Was that to protect the players or the fans?


In football news from across the pond....

Score: 4 to 1. KTBFFH. Let my bashing begin.

Looks like back to back. Or so says PaddyPower.com.

By the way, it took an own goal for Arsenal to beat a 10 man Birmingham team.


Enough football. This week was more for getting back into the drinking swing of things. The week was pretty slow on the bar front. It takes a little while to recover from the Bash.

One quick story that I forgot to mention.

I'm not sure how many have popped over to read The Blonde when I link her up. She's a Philly girl who was going to try to make it to the Bash. She's never posted a picture of her face on the blog but she has posted other, ahem, parts.

So even though I had no idea what she looked like, I was pretty certain I'd recognize her by her 'assets' or she'd find me.

At one point during the evening, after the booze had been flowing freely for quite awhile, I look towards the inside bar and saw a blonde that I didn't know with magnificent cans. This must be her! So I walked up to her, all nice and smooth like, and said "Hi, I love your boobs. Whatever happened to Half Nekkid Thursday and the Question of the Day?" Perfect way to break the ice.

Yep, except this wasn't The Blonde. Poor girl. Some fat hairy drunken stranger was talking about her boobs and it was pretty obvious from the look her face. This was NOT The Blonde. I never did find out who she was. I just slunk off the outside bar for another shot to put out the flames.


As far as I know, that's what my only embarassing drunken moment at the Bash. God, I certainly hope so.


A message from BigMike about the Bash:

On behalf of Michael's Miracle, I want to thank all of you for coming to the Sixth Annual Bash at the Boat. It was our most successful fundraising event to date, in no small part to all of you pokerati and your friends. You guys were a blast to hang out with and were beyond generous when it came to contributions. From the write ups I have seen, it seems like everyone had a good time. I only wish I had had more time to talk with all of you and I especially wish I had time to lose profuse amounts of money to all of you while hopefully improving my poker game. I also want to thank Mr. and Mrs. Canthang who throw the most amazing parties and are kind enough to contribute the proceeds to my favorite charity. I have gotten some e-mails from people who want to contribute and find out more about the foundation. You can find all the information at www.michaelsmiracle.org. Thanks again, and hope to see you at Bash at the Boat VII.

So many things to point out in this Bash pic. Too many to mention.