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Friday, July 29, 2005

Hell on Earth 

Evanne's nephew is truly the anti-christ. Ok, technically he's my nephew also but we're not blood. He was born of pure evil so I shouldn't be surprised. The seed of a psycho in the womb of a crazy lady. Luckily I won't be around to see his reign of terror. I'm sure the shelf life on this liver of mine is about to run out. And when I die.... I now know what the big guy upstairs has planned for me.

Last night I encountered my hell on earth.

I always imagined my hell would somehow involve non-stop boy band songs and eternal sobriety in a place like Salt Lake City. Except less fun. It turns out I was wrong. My brief glimpse into hell was...

The County Fair.

I thought the wifey gave me Wednesday night off for good behavior but it was, in fact, a rouse to put me in a good mood so she could more easily persuade me to join them on this excursion. I tried everything to get out of it. Chelsea playing DC United! I hadn't seen a live match on TV since Chelsea choked against Liverpool in the Champions League gifting them the cup. Nope. No deal. I was doomed.

The tension started building up inside me as we sat in traffic on the tiny road leading to the fair. This road only sees traffic once a year and this was it. The surrounding fields were packed with cars reminiscent of a music festival. Except again, less fun. This was the first day since the fair opened where the temperature wasn't hovering around the century mark with 90% humidity. It was still hot, but the masses were released upon the shire of Kimberton.

The grounds were setup in one big circle, not completely unlike a ring in Dante's Hell. The outer ring consisted of the carney's and their games of chance. Step right up! For a mere $5 you too can have the opportunity to throw 3 cheap darts at a board full of tiny balloons where you could win a stuffed animal the size of your fist. But hey! why not try again! If you get three of the teeny stuffed animals you can trade up to a small stuffed animal. "You, sir, have got yourself a deal!"

They had every variety of the 'game' where players race by squirting water from a gun into a small hole. First one to the top wins. Ye-friggin-haw. The one-shot bean bag to knock off the milk bottles (and who uses milk bottles these days beside carnivals and fairs?). The ring toss, the bottle lift, and the basketball shot with the height too tall and the basket too small.

Then I came upon a game at the very back of the ring opposite the entrance. It involved a vertical wheel similar to the Wheel of Fortune or Money Wheel game seen in the casinos. Except that the wheel was made of plywood spray painted blood red and the posts on the outside of the wheel were actually 9 penny nails pounded in at varying levels. The sign stated "You must be 18 to play!" and "min bet $.25 max bet $3". This seemed to be a game of chance where I could win money instead of a stuffed basketball the size of my truck or a SquareBobSpongePants thing. As I was about to inquire the gentleman for the rules of this wondrous game, I was interrupted. We had to move along, the top prize in the dairy cow competition was about to be handed out.

The inside ring contained the rides portion of the fair. The classic carney/fair contraptions were on display. The Zipper, merry-go-round, ferris wheel, the super slide, and that ride meant to spin you at top speed pinning you to the wall with centrifugal force. Mixed in were "new fangled" rides like the superman-style swing and some bungee cord-trampoline conflagulation. These were rides I would avoid even if they were a few weeks old instead of their half-a-century of (wink) "injury free operation".

The air stank from the combination of corn dogs, french fries, cow crap, and kiddie farts. While some may have pleasant memories attached to the smell of carnivals, I find it disconcerting.

The inner and outer rings are just the background for my hell though. It's the midway. The walkway between the games and rides. Walking clockwise, with the games on the outside, the rides on the right, the walkway contains my fears.

Here there be monsters.

The fair had attracted all manner of humanity. All in the same night. The games were fine to play, or watch others play, even if they were unprofitable and highly skewed to prevent winning. It was standing in the middle of the midway with the great unwashed and over-perfumed. I have spent many concerts watching Anthrax or Metallica or Testament standing in monstrous crowds and never felt this horribly unnerving tension.

Hillbillies and rednecks. The gansta-wanna-be white boys with the Iverson jerseys and the hats cocked off to the side. The toothless father with the trucker hat dragging his son over to the baseball toss where I watched him throw a whooping 42 miles per hour. The yuppies who obviously came straight from work and were also dragging their sons through the crowd just like the toothless man but probably on a different mission. His was to get in and get out.

The older 'grandma' ladies still dressed like they were 21 and getting ready to hit the club. The pre-teen girls also dressed like they were 21 and getting ready to hit the club. Of course, they were followed by the dirty old men who seemed to be skulking around every other booth or so.

The man in the dirty wife beater Tee walking alongside the old fashioned cowgirl in her impeccable costume headed for some sort of competition. There was Ms. Kimberton Fair 2005 chatting it up with Ms. Kimberton Fair 2004 as polite as could be. The tractor salesmen, the auctioneer, and the announcer of the cow competition. "Dairy cows today, steer tomorrow!"

I'm sure everyone there had the same impression looking at me. Fat long haired guy wearing a Yuengling Lager hat, a MardiGras shirt, wide-eyes, and I was probably mumbling to myself. We were prizes, one and all.

Mix this whole mish mosh of people together and you get to feel my hell. But that's just the cake. The icing is the small ones. The constant cry of "mommy-i-wanna-ride-that-mommy-i-wanna-ride-that...." and the strollers being slammed right into the sweet spot on the back of your legs called the Achilles tendon buckling your knees for a moment. The constant shrill of an indecipherable language that is more scream then conversation. I survived without being hit with ice cream, or cotton candy, or the dozens of caramel apples. A testament to my luck, not my dexterity of foot.

After 2 hours (120 minutes, 7,200 seconds, or 1.3 million germs...), I was relieved to hear the wifey finally give up the ghost. "Let's get out of this crazy place."

So we packed all the stuffed animals on the mother-in-law like a pack mule and my night in hell was over.

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Congrats and good job to Landow! 

Yesterday Landow finished 3rd out of 519 players in a Stars $5+rebuy tourney. Good job. I'm sure he'd like to thank Otis, Joanne, and Maigrey for sweating him.

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Preview 

Someone greeting Otis.



If you run out of places to hold your shots.





Other pics are here.

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tick tock 

I would love to tell the stories about last night. The wifey gave me a free pass to hang with BigMike and Landow at the regular watering hole. My friend April's band was playing, she was hardly wearing anything, her drunk friends were wearing even less, and I have some great pictures.

But the camera is sitting on my desk right next to me with no way to get them. Landow decided to "work from home" today and it's his camera. Feel free to leave a comment telling him that he needs to get his ass down here to pick up the camera so I can share these wonderous pics with the public. I even have a special pic for Otis. A girl with an "upgraded" upper torso area saying Hi.

So I'm sitting here waiting for Landow to show up........

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Until then, I had some fun looking through my stats. I don't really give a rat's ass about how many hits I get. I'm more interested in how people get here.

Some of my favorite search engine keywords...

very nice photo video show party stripper.
Say hi to Nikki. My favorite part about this search is that it came from inside the Islamic Republic of Iran.

Catherine Bach recent fat
I don't know if she's fat now, but she looked good in her prime.

swear words that you can't say on TV or radio
Shit, piss, fuck , cu.... ah, nevermind. You get the point. (Bonus points if you can name the song I pulled that from)

photos about cigarettes and wasting money
Any picture in my gallery where I'm at the bar. I'll being smoking and definitely waisting money.

boathouse in malvern
ah crap, why do I get the feeling that Boathouse management is checking up on me again? The man always trying to bring me down and keep me from writing the stories that are most fun.

rock straddle ev
The King of Straddling with the rock is right here.

what kind of alcohol is soco
Continuing in my role of confusing readers. soco = Southern Comfort = nectar of the gods.

Finally, the person doing this search needs to hook up with the person doing this search.

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Picture update. I have it on good authority that Landow will be here shortly to pick up his camera to offload the pics.

Check back later.

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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Howdy's, MetaSquares, Grand Titons, etc.... 

Last summer as it was getting closer to the Bash at the Boat 5 and I started taking pics around the bar with different girls saying hi to Pauly or BG and others trying to drum up some bloggers to make the trip to the muggy Philly suburbs.

BigPirate himself picked up and sent a couple of lovely hello's my way. Very nice and appreciated.

Now we're just waiting on Anna or Nikki.....

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Metasquares. "Old" online game from the mid-90's. I'm sitting there logged in all day, the only one in the room waiting for a challenge. Come and get me. I'm horrible.

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In case it has gotten past everyone's attention, and I'm sure no one has noticed, the weeklong binge has been indefinitely suspended due to circumstances beyond my control.

Instead, we threw the over-the-top, hyper-active nephew into the truck and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in IMAX. I went into the movie expecting to completely hate it. Instead, I walked out of the theater happy. I actually enjoyed it. No one is more surprised than me. Again, maybe it was just seeing Missi Pyle's cleavage 2 stories high....

On a similar note, how come they will show these Grand Titon's on IMAX but not these Grand Titons? It's an injustice I tell you.

Reviewers and friends were talking about Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka coming off like Michael Jackson. I didn't get that other than the first few minutes when the kids entered the factory. Once you realize the character hates kids, all comparisons obviously go right out the window.

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God damn, I need to drink and play poker. Look what I've been reduced to! Reviewing a PG rated movie while sitting soberly with a child. Good help my soul.

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Speaking of kids, I have much more respect for all the filthy breeders out there clogging up the system. I don't know how you handle being around children ALL THE TIME. I get to dump this one off tomorrow and I can go back to sitting around in my boxers, scratching wherever I wish, and watching something other the Nickelodeon 24 hours a day.

Good thing there's a UN sanction against me breeding.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Oh crap. New readers.

BG posted my response to Jim McManus' NY Times article.

Don't look here. You should be checking out Metro-sexual, CURRENTLY non-smoking JoeSpeaker.....

or a new Uber-post by Ignatius the Housewife of Dwarfville....

or my poker playing princess.

Replay of Poker Girl!


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Monday, July 25, 2005

A story with no ending.... 

I occasionally like to cruise through the Blabbermouth website to check on the metal news and find junk that tickles my funny bone or I find interesting.

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For StB, the Milwaukee MetalFest XIX has been postponed.

I'm not sure which blogger got me into Beatallica but they've got great stuff. Beatles tunes with Metallica riffs. Apparently they had a bit of a fight with Sony and Lars "I'm a douchebag sellout" Ullrich come to their aid. They are touring Europe.

The funniest story I found was on about Korn. Their guitar player "Head" left the band because he became a christian or something along those line (prompting Korn to start selling the T-shirt saying "Korn gave God Head"). They found a new guitar player. Nice gig for this guy. "New Touring Guitarist Will Not Appear On Stage"

Finally, for Scott, lifted from one of my new favorite blogs and supplier of linkage, RuthlessJack, John Cleese' Declaration of Revocation for the colonies.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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Brad and I made plans to hit a little festival in Reading PA with 4 bands, bikini car wash, and Jello wrestling with the girls from Al's Diamond Cabaret. With a late departure, we completely missed the carwash and the place had a distinct lack of girls with any 'quality'. As a matter fact, until later in the night, our waitress was the best looking girl in the joint. And the best part of her was the double shots in her hands. Now I know I'm not an attractive man and have absolutely no right to judge, but on a scale from "hottie" to "hideous", the talent in the bar was hovering around the "butt fooking ugly" level. My fault for straying so far out to the boonies.

I did snap a pic of the best T-shirt I've seen in awhile other than the classic BadBlood shirt. "I support single moms". With a stripper pole.

We sat through one decent band. Of course, I didn't take note of their name because I didn't care. Now the next band we saw, I definitely made sure to get their name. Synged. This band was all over the place and had me practically pissing myself. They weren't sure if they were punk, rock, metal. The biggest mishmosh of musicians including the guy on lead guitar who was a cross between Screech and Bowzer from ShaNaNa. I could be wrong about them because it's tough to tell when you only have a 45 minute set to listen to. (a plus to my long lost friends from the completely orginal band RedNumber40. )

We had an opportunity to sit down with Anthony and Richie for some catching up and I knocked back a couple more of their over-priced, served-in-plastic, double shots. The band finally hit the stage and we snuck off to the side. (Actually, I hopped up behind Anthony to grab the pic linked on the left). I have absolutely no idea what this girl was doing. Some sort of stripper / "I'm going to be sick" dance move. Not even remotely attractive but it seemed to work on the neanderthals up front.

We enjoyed their set and called it a night. We missed the jello wrestling so I apologize to the few readers left. We had to get home to the wives because they had given us a Get Out Of Jail Free card *cough*.

That worked until the cops showed up......

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I started uploading songs suggested for the Thrash compilation. Check them out here. I'll be finalizing the list and we'll have a vote. When it's all done, I'll create the A.C.H.E / BadBlood Thrash CD. Below are some of the songs submitted already.

Annihilator - Alice In Hell
Anthrax - Caught in a Mosh
Anthrax - Indians
Celtic Frost - Visual Aggression
Cryptic Slaughter - Freedom of Expression?
Dark Angel - Black Prophecies
Death Angel - Mistress of Pain
Exodus - The Toxic Waltz
Flotsam and Jetsam - No Place For Disgrace
Megadeth - Holy Wars...The Punishment Due
Megadeth - Wake up Dead
Meshuggah - Personae Non Gratae
Metal Church - Metal Church
Metallica - Motorbreath
Metallica - Seek and Destroy
Metallica - Whiplash
M.O.D. - A.I.D.S.
Nuclear Assault - Critical Mass
Onslaught - Shellshock
Overkill - Hello From the Gutter
Pantera - Fucking Hostile
Possessed - Seven Churches
Powermad - Slaughterhouse
Slayer - Angel of Death
Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss
S.O.D - March of the S.O.D.
Suicidal Tendencies - Join the Army
Testament - Over the Wall
Trouble - The Tempter
Venom - A Thousand Days in Sodom
Kreator - Riot of Violence

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