Friday, May 27, 2005

It's not a joke.... 

....but it certainly starts like one.

A priest, a lingerie designer, and a mexican house frau in the bar last night.....

I had a very strange time between leaving work yesterday and falling asleep in the capper stall this morning. Still not sure if I snored but I had a brutal case of dead leg which nearly dropped me to the ground.

Three different and seperate episodes in the bar last night. It felt like I was stuck in the movie Four Rooms playing the part of Ted the Bellhop.

"I don't have a problem. I have fucking problems. Plural"

The Padre is an old friend. We worked together for awhile before he left for seminary. Great guy and I'd put him up against any beer drinker for speed and amount. Amazing.

He's a frequent reader and his main complaint sounded a lot like others. More pics. He was also disappointed that I didn't go see GWAR last weekend.

It was a nice start to the evening. Kicking back and throwing down drinks. Good booze and good conversation.

"Who the fuck cares whether it was a forty four or a three ninety two, it was a big fucking gun, it was loaded and it was pointed right at my fucking head!"

The Padre leaves and in comes a regular from many summers past. Apparently she's now living in Manhattan designing lingerie. She was there with her friend from Philly and another girl from Scotland.

Finally, someone else is buying the shots. It was fun discussing the nuances of the Celtic / Rangers rivalry and recapping the Liverpool win for her. Somewhere along this time they started dancing and ScubaSteve gave me the look from the DJ booth that said "You're gonna be a pain in my balls, aren't you?"

At least I didn't chase everyone out with the Anthrax/Slayer/Megadeth medley. I have that going for me.

Landow also continues the discussion of why I shouldn't breed. Ever. Expect a guest post coming up shortly.

"The name's Ted. Ted. Yes my mother did me the disservice of naming me Theordore. And I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that is thousands of fucking miles away. Have you any idea, the faintest idea what its like to arrive at school and find yourself surrounded by the maladjusted! Ever worn a bonnet, give it try sometime. So shoot me now, because no one is ever going to call me Theodore again. Let alone Theo the Thumper."

After the departure of the lingerie triplets, I ran into an old co-worker who's leaving after 14 years. Think Phoebe from Friends but good looking. She has nothing to do with the story other than providing me the opportunity to speak with another ex-coworker.

Oddly enough, the other ex-coworker was in Mexico at the time. Sitting in her hacienda / compound which is patrolled by no less than 3 armed guards. Her only job is ordering around the help and making sure the kids don't fall into the tubs of home made tequila.

Where the hell do I sign up for this job?

She was happy where she was but was going to be happier now that they are moving back to the states. And of all places.....

Greenville, SC.


I told her I'd be down there in August if she had a few extra benji's laying around unused.

I also told her I knew an award winning famous TV personality down in G-ville.

and G-Rob too.

"Well most recently there's room 309. There's this scary mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. There's his hulligan kids runnin' a muck. This rooms blazin' a fire. There's a big fat needle stuck in my leg infecting me with god knows what. And then theres me walkin' out the door. Right fuckin' now. buonas noches."


Thursday, May 26, 2005

More random junk 

Just random junk today.

I hit the bar yesterday to watch the Liverpool / AC Milan match and didn't leave until VERY late.


Congrats to Liverpool (and JoeSpeaker) for an amazing win. Down 3 - 0 at the half and come back to win. One of the best matches I've ever seen if not the best.

UEFA will have to let them defend the title next year. It would be crazy if they couldn't.

Here's an interesting twist though.


Nothing against Ol' Grandad, but it's a bit of a surprise when you're expecting soco.


I can honestly say I've never seen a single solitary episode of American Idol. But...

There's the ongoing conspiracy against guys with long hair. We WILL revolt.


Once we finish drinking.

And packing our cigarettes.

Ah fook it. I don't care. Someone at the bar told me he was a poser long-hair anyway. Looks of a rocker, soul of Michael Bolton.


How do you know when the wifey is playing more poker online AND better than you are? When she asks you if her bankroll is big enough to move up levels.



Just for record, and hopefully it will be found when the arrogant jagoof google's himself (and you know he will).


That is all.


Is Joaquin busting on me or complimenting? I can't tell for sure.


You kept raising...pushing the little guys out of the pots last night. Then when they called you had KK or AA.

The ScubaSteve Link Dump:

Vagina Lady

Corpse punches doctor.

I just can't possibly describe how disturbed I am but this link.

Idiot of the Day.

Need help breaking up with your beloved? Here's help.

How is it that I've never heard of this movie before?

Last one.


Finally, for the good Doctor. I couldn't decide whether to post this picture or this one.



Wednesday, May 25, 2005

"I asked about the minimum limit requirements for opening a game in that room, $2,000-4,000 Limit or $100-200 Blind NLH."
So who wants to bankroll me in this game at the Bellagio? Come on, you know I'm good for it.

I quote Linda right off the bat for a good reason. Everyone is writing about what they're looking forward to this gathering and what happened at the last gathering. But how about regrets.

I think my main regret was not getting to talk to Linda (who writes one of my favorite blogs ever). Even during the tourney where I was in 8s and she was in 6s and I don't think I said anything. I was oblivious at that point to everything except my cards and the drinks. And I'm not sure that's the correct order of priority then.

I'm always stunned to read about how cheap the high limit players are when it comes to tipping. For christ sake, in the tiny 2/4 game at the Taj with Pinky and -EV, I was tipping for other players and throwing out 'karma' chips to each new dealer plus making the grumpy old cocktail waitress fall in love with me. God Damned High Rolling Cheapskates. Maybe Linda needs some 'enforcers' with her around the poker room. BadBlood?

With God as my witness, there is at least a 5% chance that I'll show up sober to this tourney. But don't hold me to that.


I did manage a decent display of poker last night in Pauly's freeroll on NoblePoker. And it pains me to say it, but I was sober. That's just gonna make Felicia get on my case and tell me to play sober more often. Dammit.

I finished somewhere around 23rd out of 150+. I was cruising along and probably could have folded into the money until I got frisky with suited slick against the big stack who was holding AA. But who wants to fold into the money. I'd rather win.

I did have the pleasure of knocking the powerful Otis out (best blogger player, in my humble opinion) when I caught two big hands against him. One when I flopped Kings full holding pocket cowboys and another with my JJ vs his all-in TT.

I also witnessed someone at my table hit a royal flush.

The fun part was watching the action on a player to my left who never showed up. The dead seat won three straight all-in hands. Brutal.


I don't know if the rumors are true..... here's the Shana Hiatt replacement.

Now go check out Iggy's latest uber post and HDub's latest movie/poker post. It's The Matrix this time around.



Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Don't blog drunk....
Don't blog drunk....

That is my mantra. Usually it works.

Except in special circumstances. Like booze, work, and unnecessary love from an unexpected source.

Seriously. I'm an idiot. This isnt' that silly self-deprecating humor some people try. I'm a drunken whacko who plays poker for shit. I have CJ scared that I'm going to show up at the Aladdin tourney ripped to the tits. I will remind him, however, that I did not show up to the last tourney blasted.

I showed up at the PRE-TOURNEY gathering blasted. But so did another half dozen players as well.

For some real poker content and good reads, you should check out the links over there ---->

Go ahead. I'll be here when you get back.


After leaving work again last night, we had the option of hitting the bar again or BigMike could just drop me off at home.

and the bar is on the way home.

We decided against hitting the other bar with the inbred-poker game for fear that my already small skills would shrink even more in the face of their stupidity.

The wifey was working in center city for the night (minds out of the gutters you pervs) so we pulled into the bar for more shots and some classic South Park before calling it a night.

What do you do when you get home with a snoot full of booze? That's right, login to PokerStars and play some drunken-monkey O8.

Christ, either this game is too friggin' easy or players are just REALLY bad. Where's my Ray Zee Hi/Lo book..... it's around here somewhere.

Of course, I'm not playing any limit high enough for anyone to care.

I found Joanne online and she was in the middle of the $30K guaranteed tourney on Party Poker and was leading at the first break. She joined me for some monkey poker and dial-a-shots as I continously attempted to change her mind about Vegas.

No go.

Around 1am she busted out of her tourney but in the money. 140th out of 2200? Somewhere in there. She played really well and would be a contender in the Aladdin tourney.

If she'd just finally decide to go.....


Here's the one relatively creative thing to come out of this blog. Busting on Dutch. And BG gets most of the credit.


Tip #8635 for drinking in Vegas.

Don't do what I did in December. EAT SOMETHING.

Going back over my notes and memories (bah) from December, I realized that the only meal I ate in 4 days was sushi with Felicia the first night.

The rest of the weekend I survived on the two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts I bought the first night, a soft pretzel at the Mandalay Sportsbook, and a muffin the wifey shoved down my throat at Sam's Town. And the muffin was just to shut me up, not feed me.

But don't be me. Eat something. I'm fat. My body feeds off itself at times like that.


Another blog to pimp and I'm behind with this one. Drowned at the River. This part of his last post cracked me up....

"Also, BG has established lines for a number of proposition bets. You should read through them, but if you don’t, pay close attention to this, my 5-STAR LOCK OF THE MILLENIUM!!!

Number of non-SoCo drinkers Al talks into a shot of the stuff: Over/Under 12.5
Folks, I don’t know Al personally, and I haven’t met any bloggers out here in the meatspace, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that secretly, deep down, everyone wants to be like Al. Nobody writing on the Internet about Poker could refuse to indulge in a shot of So-Co with him. TAKE THE OVER, IN A CAKE-WALK!!! Get your money down early on this one… This line is bound to move."

Don't forget Pauly's freeroll on Noble Poker tonight. The last blogger tuneup before Vegas.


Finally, for the beer drinkers out there, straight from the ScubaSteve research department....

The Beer Buddy



Monday, May 23, 2005

Welcome. Again. 

"If Southern Comfort awarded sponsorships and endorsements based on consumption, Al would be their “go to” guy with a bankroll to envy. As Al appears to be their unofficial spokesperson on his own tab, I think they are getting a hell of a deal."
Amy Calistri - Poker Pages

So here's what you get. The rare drunken mind of Al instead of the hungover Al.

I'm sitting around work, minding my own business waiting for the day to end. I'm single for the night. BigMike and I have planned to hit the bar for awhile and then hit the other establishment to defend my bar free-roll title. Against the great unwashed and filthy mouth breathers who haven't figured out the concept of how to move the button when the SB gets knocked out. (not lying. 15 minute drunken discussion with an idiot on that subject. Don't get me going on what happened with the blinds when we got heads up).

We sat around knocking back the shots when all of sudden.....

beep beep beep beep.

BigMike is oncall. Wanna guess who his back up is?


Right before I leave my place of employment, I get a very nice email from Amy who blogs over at PokerPages.com saying she gave me a shootout.

Here's the deal. I rarely, if ever, link to comments people post about me on other blogs. Of course, in my own demented way, I get great joy out of it. But I ain't all that.

When I read the writeup I was amused and flattered. Not Max Pescatori yelling "AlCantHang!" across the Commerce high limit room flattered. Or Miami John telling me to get my bad luck wife away from him amused..... But amused and flattered.

With all the hits coming my way now, I'm gonna use my drunken skills for good instead of evil this night.


Otis is writing for PokerStars...
BG is writing for PokerPlayerNewspaper and FoxSports....
Pauly is writing for God knows how many different online publications....
PokerProf is some sorta online poker journalist extraordinaire...

When the hell is MeanGene going to get his shot at the big time?

In my drunken honest opinion, he is the best blogger out there you are not reading. Unlike myself where you will find stupid rantings with the occasional, and I mean occasional humorous morsel, MeanGene has been giving the internet some of the best writing out there. Check out his archives. It will take you days.

With nary a mention from the internet community.

That should change.

Someone get this man a gig.


That is all.

More hangover rants tomorrow 'cause my work problem is fixed.




Along the themes of BG's recent "Secret Shame" post, I have one to offer up from this weekend. BigMike and I were hanging at happy hour Friday night when someone mentions to me that GWAR is playing a tiny bar nearby later that night.

And I didn't go. I missed a perfect opportunity to provide some quality crap in the form of stories and pics. Instead, I sat my drunk fat ass on the couch.

Man, I'm losing it.


Since we're mere days away from the huge gathering in Vegas, it seems that the running blogger theme is expectations and concerns.

In the meantime, MeanGene and those who aren't going are sitting around screaming "Shutup already about Vegas!"

Using G-Rob's quiz....

1. What blogger would you most like to have a drink with?

StB. The obvious choice for the next honorary crew member. The only blogger to talk about booze more than myself. I foresee many shots and booze related conversations. G-Rob was nominated by Otis last year and he didn't disappoint. As a matter of fact, catch Otis and G-Rob during a proper bender and you're likely to find yourself closing every bar and watching some fooktard shove silverware down his pants to the disgust of BG.

I'd also like to get DanM a little drunk and wiggle an invitation to a Lodge poker tourney from him.

And Scott. How can you not wanna knock back some drinks with the legend?

And Whiskeytown....

Oh christ, this list is going to last forever.

2. What blogger, besides Al, would you most like to have a drink with?

Well, I'm going to have to go with my answer to #1.

3. What blogger would you most like to talk poker with?

HDub on HE theory. Felicia for split games but I chat with her everyday. How 'bout Otis for Omaha8 since I know he loves that (and his gumbo). And JoeSpeaker for the proper way to rathole the horseshoe up your ass. (aww, that was a bit below the belt. I will remind everyone that I did pick him among the top 5 best chances to win the Aladdin tourney)

4. What blogger would you most like to talk to about the written word?

I've already had the chance to talk with some of the best out there. Otis, Pauly, BG, Iggy, Halverson, etc. ScurvyDog would be on my list for this go 'round. Also a good answer for #3 but I'll be too drunk to talk proper poker theory anyway so who the fook am I kidding.

5. What single Vegas-trip event has you the most excited?

Excited or nervous. I'm nervous about this friggin' after tourney party. It ain't the easiest thing in the world to setup a party for 100+ people 2,000 miles away in a city you've only visited once and that time you barely left the bar, let alone casino. I had Grubby do a flyby of the joint and he gives it his thumbs up (plenty of tequila and you can buy margaritas by the yard). Fingers crossed and shot glasses full.

6. Will Otis fall down? (This, by the way, is the oldest time honored quiz question)

Here's where I tread carefully. I'm not sure if the statute of limitations has passed since the Bahamas trip to meet up with Otis. So I'm gonna plead the fifth.

*cough* stone walls *cough*

7. Who would be able to out arm wrestle Bad Blood?

If we give Iggy a big enough box to stand on......

Actually, after all the hassle from jagoff's a couple weeks ago, and BadBlood's personality, I say Maudie beats BadBlood in an arm wrestling contest.

8. Which blogger most resembles Patrick Swazee?

Patrick Swayze? or Don Swayze? I'm going with Travis Tritt then pray to God and all things alcohol that I don't get my ass kicked.

And I'm allowed to say that. Do you know how many times I've been compared to Greg Allman and the dude from Kidd Video?

9. Which blogger is the tallest?

CJ is tall. Drizz is also tall. But can they compete with G-Rob with his drinking shoes on......

10. Which blogger would middle America find the most shocking?

The resident metrosexual / Liverpool supporter, JoeSpeaker. Shoot, just look at the grief he gets from Felicia.

11. How many Taco Bell tacos can you eat?

I avoid Taco Smell at all costs. Give me 2 dozen Krispy Kreme's from the Excal and you've got yourself a proper challenge.

12. How many can I eat?

1 is 1 too many.


Of all the talk about the parties and boozing....

My number one wish for the weekend is that the bloggers in the WSoP Event #2 make a strong showing and the other players are overwhelmed by the support they are receiving from the railbirds.

A final table with bloggers and 100+ blogger railbirds should make someone sit up and notice our presence.


Damn, how 'bout this crap. Looks like Pinky and Phill are getting the screws turned. Binge drinking is a right, not a privilege.


Pic of the day..... just for the pervs looking for Lindsay Lohan. Crack kills!

Cheers and eff ManYoo.