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Friday, May 20, 2005

I'm a geek 

Hi, my name is Al. And I'm a geek. Not THE geek, but still a geek.

Well, that's what the good doctor called me this morning when I told him I went out and saw Revenge of the Sith last night. In my diffence, I did not wait in any lines. There weren't any whackos dressed up as characters. We have a odd new theater nearby that just doesn't get crowds even for the "blockbusters".

I won't give me movie review because 1) nobody cares about my opinion and 2) I'm just not that talented. Just one thing, didn't Natalie Portman used to know how to act?

I will post a spoiler. Click and drag between the parenthesis...

(Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. GASP!)

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See, not everything I do involves drinking.

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After the movie we decided to hit the bar to 'discuss' the movie. 5 hours later I found myself sitting in a diner with a shortstack and a 5 gallon tub of creamed chip beef.

d'oh

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I really wanted to writeup about the poker-playing toolbag the princess and I were talking to. A real nutball. But it's not even worth mentioning the donkey's name.

And no, it wasn't Landow.

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The comedic emails keep rolling right in at work. I don't know how much truth is here because I couldn't find a website with these questions and answers, but I got a chuckle.

For Heafy....

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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This weekend I'm updating and organizing my blogroll. Better late than never.

Have a good weekend, Cheers!

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Thursday, May 19, 2005

Someone once wrote that didn't want to read excuses why people don't post. So I won't give one. Getting crushed on many sides and I'll probably lose my handful of readers.

~

And from the "Why the fuck do they pick that date!" department....

The weekend of August 20th was already looking to be a scheduling nightmare. Scott's Raz on the Braz is that weekend and my mind was set there. Looks like a blast.

Then I find out about a shindig down in G-Vegas that looks impossible to miss. There are way too many bloggers down there that I'd want to party with so how can I miss that one?

So while I've been planning on how I can be in Texas for Thursday and Friday, then G-Vegas Saturday and Sunday......

I found this press release online.

NEW ORLEANS, May 17 /PRNewswire/ -- New Orleans native Southern Comfort shakes up the Big Easy with the third annual Tales of the Cocktail, a three-day event celebrating dining, drinking and the history of the cocktail, Aug. 18-20, in the French Quarter.
GOD DAMN IT!

My favorite booze, in my favorite city, even in the same damned hotel I stay in when I'm in town. BigMike eased my pain by reminding how blindingly oppressive the weather is in NewOrleans at that time of year.

But it still blows donkey balls.

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Speaking of the nectar of the gods, I mentioned to a few people but I'm going public. I sent an email to someone at Southern Comfort explaining to them why they REALLY need to sponsor me in the WSoP Event #2.

It's a cheap buy-in. I constantly berate annoy hit-over-the-head tell my readers the joys of Southern Comfort. Who better to represent them to the masses?

When I told Otis of my plans, here's what he had to say:

"We should start a campaign. We need men on the ground, billboards, espionage, corporate sabotage. We need guns, grenades, and a tumbler the size of the Gaffney SC Giant Peach-oid. We need Rommel. We need Patton. We need lies and deception the likes of which...oh nevermind"
Now keep in mind that he was in London 5 hours ahead of me with probably a half dozen Guinness already....

But I never received a response for Southern Comfort. So here's my challenge for you, my faithful tireless reader (both of you). Find me a good email address for someone who can work with me. Email every address for them you can find.

I guaran-goddamn-tee if it happens, it will be returned many fold at the after tourney bash.

~

Lastly, from the joker that I call a wifey, her latest email....

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Cambodian Midgets meet the Lions..... 

.... next up, the Christians.

No time at all to post today but I will give you this story in honor of the blogfather.

BONUS CODE IGGY DAMMIT!

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

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Monday, May 16, 2005

....and I'm this much closer to Event #2 

"I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass....."
Off subject but worth the click.

I swear to effing christ. I was NOT going out last night. A long weekend and I was looking forward to some serious couch time. Then the wifey mentions (to BigMike, not me) about playing in a local bar's freeroll.

We played in the freeroll last week and I swore I wasn't going again. They only had about a quarter of a bottle of soco left and the savages put it in the freezer. Then the structure was horrid. BigMike and I were the first two out of the tourney. We quickly packed up, left the wifey in the tourney, and took off for the regular bar.

This week I wasn't even thinking about it. I agreed to hit the Boathouse after work since it was a great day to have some drinks and sit out on the deck.

Well.... 3 hours and an empty bottle later and I decided to give the tourney another 'shot'. BigMike swore by their FiletMignon sandwich (cooked in a tasty mushroom butter, mmmmmm slurp). When we walked in, Chris the bartender immediately remembered us, he bolted from behind the bar, up the stairs, and returned with a bouncy new born bottle of soco. The sight always makes this drunk a little weepy.

We dug into our sandwiches, finished off a couple of doubles, and took our seats in the tourney. There were only 14 players and they split us up into two tables of 7. Of course, I get the table with the guy who thinks he's a pro and really has no clue. I built up a nice stack early before I was moved to the Missus' table. Right after she knocked BigMike out and he went cursing to the bar. Something about my wife being a shrew harpy....

MrsCantHang and I were the chip leaders on the table. Since the tourney was free and only paid first place, I was being very aggressive once I was in a hand. We were four-handed and I was in the pot with A2 and a raggedy ass flop. Somehow I managed to get myself all-in and she called with A7 and an open ender. I was way behind until a remarkable 2 hit the river.

I did a quick run up to the bar for a shot with Mike when we saw the second bottle was just about to give up the ghost. and yes, that also makes this drunk a little weepy.

7 players left and I had a monster chip lead. I popped them off one at a time until I was head's up with a girl playing HE for the first time (or so she said). I didn't lose a pot to her and even cheesed her off when I made her lay down the best hand. The last hand had me raising my button with two shit cards, something like a 36o. She called and I check raised her all in when the flop gave me a straight.

And that my friends is how myself, BigMike, and the princess managed to eat some fine food, drink a 6 pack of Miller Lite (the wifey), and finish off another bottle of soco without paying one red cent.

Nada.

The prize for winning the tournament was a $100 bar tab. Ours had conveniently just hit the $90 mark. We pushed it over the prize by 'chopping' the bottle.

(15 more wins like this and I can save the money to play in Event #2. Watch out!)

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I still can't stop laughing about the ManYoo fans getting their titties in a twist about Malcolm Glazer buying up the club. The club enjoyed the money in the early '90s when they went public. But that also left them exposed to this kind of takeover.

I'm sure there's much more to say, but I just don't have it in me. Eff ManUre.

On the same subject, I found an interesting note at the bottom of this article about Robert Kraft and Liverpool for Joe:

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft owns MLS' New England Revolution and is believed to be backing a consortium that might buy into Liverpool of the English Premiership League. The 64-year-old tycoon is evidently keen to add a Premiership franchise to his portfolio.

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Another blogger win... 

Let's start off a slow Monday post with a pic from the ScubaSteve Research Dept. He stopped and took this pic during the weekend.

Of course, I immediately thought of the good doctor.

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Congrats to JoeSpeaker for taking down the 4th WPBT WSoP Satellite. I feeling quite prophetic since I put him on the top 5 list for the upcoming Aladdin tourney.

Maybe he's finally gotten all the good playing out of his system so the rest of us have a chance in June.

~

Saturday saw the resumption of my local tourneys here in the Philly suburb area. For 3 years I ran a regular monthly tournament before the big poker 'explosion'. By the time I stopped running them last January, we were maxing out at 80 players and they were running smoothly.

After a 16 month hiatus, I had another one. With a bunch of last minute cancellations, we ended up with 32 players and a structure that would take us 8 hours to declare a winner.

The day didn't start off perfectly. The tables were delivered 3 hours earlier than expected causing a mad dash from my house to the bar. Then we come in to find the cleaning service never showed up and the place was a wreck.

Needless to say, by 10:30am I had my first shots in me even though I KNEW I wasn't getting out of there in under 10 hours. But what can a drunk do?

It was pretty cool that we had some special guests showing up for the tourney. Local blogger extraordinaire Helixx was making the trek even though he had a long week and a brutal Friday. HDub's friend Bourbon was driving out from Philly with a friend and it's always good to have another proper drunk around. To top it off, I had two readers sign up to play. Ben from New York was the first to arrive and had the bad experience of helping me finish the setup. Chris from Philly made the trip to play. Twice. (and no mention of why he made the second trip). Ben, Chris, Helixx, and myself enjoyed an late morning shot and a toast.

Special thanks to these guys for showing up.

I told Helixx when he arrived that I set the tournament up for the good poker players to shine. 32 players started with T200 with 1/2 blinds. 30 minute levels with the blinds creeping up. 1/2, 2/4, 3/6... The blinds were not going to cause much pressure and it allowed everyone the opportunity to play without turning into some bizarre all-in fest or a crapshoot.

For the first hour of the tourney, I was forced into the dual role of Tournament Director AND waitress. As the majority of players said, it was a fine tourney, but I'm an ugly-ass waitress.

So I brought in Bridget and the room applauded.

Bourbon's friend Serg was the first bust out. Making him my honorary drinking partner as he joined Bridget and myself at the bar.

......

Fast forward. We're down to 9 players. Top 5 spots pay out. My only job is to get them down to 7 players, move them to the make shift Feature Table, and have the money ready. I already had someone set up to deal the table and my booze was flowing. All was fine until....

My dealer leaves to play in another tourney.

Ah crap. Now my drunkass has to deal and I'm an idiot.

Two notables made the final table. Helixx and Landow (and Bridget with the winners cash). The perfect MrsCantHang realized early on that I was ill-equiped to be dealing and she took over the duties relegating me to drinker/shuffler.

We busted down to 4 players. Helixx, Landow, Elliot, and Pat. Helixx listed his three main hands on the final table, check them out. It started with a brutal suckout on Landow, taking down his QQ with 77 when he hit his two-outter on the turn to send him to the rail in 4th. Pat was the next to go and I have no memory how (this is why I will be there very last person on earth ever to be hired as a tournament reporter, can't even get it right for my own).

We settled in for the head's up portion between Helixx and Elliot that could take hours. Helixx says he had a 6 to 1 chip lead but it might have been more. On the very first hand heads up, Helixx takes the tournament with 66 and Elliot's AQ never improves.

The victor and his spoils. For the record, if you look by his right hand you will see a bouncy baby Guinness.

After everything settled down, we took our seats at the bar and the dial-a-shots began. OK, it wasn't a dial-a-shot with Pauly, but it was close enough. BadBlood got in on the act and then I received a special call. It was like when the President calls to congratulate the Super Bowl winner. I answered the phone, listened for a few second, then handed the phone to Helixx. It was the blogfather who was calling up with Congrats and a hearty dial-a-Guinness.

Feel free to hop on over to his blog and give him your own congrats. He made the bloggers proud.

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More random junk tomorrow including Glazer buying ManYoo (still chuckling), the reason I have increased my intake of high grade pork products, and announcing a guest post titled "The Definitive Early History of America's Wingman" (his title, not mine)

Cheers.

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