Saturday, April 24, 2004

Life at Party 

I had a great morning with a return to the fish hatchery known as PartyPoker. +17/BB in the hour I played while writing my crappy Key West trip. So I returned this afternoon. It does not look good for our hero.

In the first 11 hands played this afternoon, KK and QQ have both gone down in flames. Including KK on the very first hand. Check out the hand history. More importantly, check out the comments. I feel famous like Iggy or Pauly.

***** Hand History for Game 549818899 *****
0.50/1 TexasHTGameTable (Limit) - Sat Apr 24 16:41:04 EDT 2004
Table Table 11410 (Real Money) -- Seat 8 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: Dylan00 ( $3.75)
Seat 2: AlCantHang ( $25)
Seat 3: cmymoney ( $23)
Seat 4: ogurachikao ( $45.25)
Seat 5: cprhou ( $27.25)
Seat 6: stinkwater ( $23.50)
Seat 7: drwilbur ( $22.25)
Seat 8: DTown642 ( $21)
Seat 9: mmcbuck ( $33.75)
Seat 10: magdas ( $25)
mmcbuck posts small blind (0.25)
magdas posts big blind (0.50)
AlCantHang posts big blind (0.50)
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to AlCantHang [ Kc, Kd ]
Dylan00 calls (0.50)
AlCantHang raises (0.50) to 1
cmymoney folds.
ogurachikao raises (1.50) to 1.50
cprhou folds.
stinkwater folds.
drwilbur folds.
DTown642 folds.
mmcbuck folds.
magdas calls (1)
Dylan00 raises (1.50) to 2
AlCantHang calls (1)
ogurachikao calls (0.50)
magdas calls (0.50)
** Dealing Flop ** : [ Jh, 8d, 7c ]
magdas checks.
Dylan00 bets (0.50)
AlCantHang raises (1) to 1
ogurachikao folds.
cprhou: al---love your blog
magdas raises (1.50) to 1.50
Dylan00 raises (1.25) to 1.75
Dylan00 is all-In.
AlCantHang calls (0.75)
magdas calls (0.25)
Creating Main Pot with $12.75 with Dylan00
** Dealing Turn ** : [ Ah ]
AlCantHang: thanks
cprhou: I started one myself this week
AlCantHang: cool. shoot me an email with the link
cprhou: will do

magdas could not respond in time.(disconnected)
magdas Disconnect Protection enabled.
** Dealing River ** : [ Td ]
Creating side pot 1 with $0 with players magdas
** Summary **
Main Pot: $12.75 | | Rake: $0.75
Board: [ Jh 8d 7c Ah Td ]
Dylan00 balance $0, lost $3.75 [ Qs 8s ] [ a pair of eights -- Ah,Qs,Jh,8s,8d ]
AlCantHang balance $21.25, lost $3.75 [ Kc Kd ] [ a pair of kings -- Ah,Kc,Kd,Jh,Td ]
cmymoney balance $23, didn't bet (folded)
ogurachikao balance $43.25, lost $2 (folded)
cprhou balance $27.25, didn't bet (folded)
stinkwater balance $23.50, didn't bet (folded)
drwilbur balance $22.25, didn't bet (folded)
DTown642 balance $21, didn't bet (folded)
mmcbuck balance $33.50, lost $0.25 (folded)
magdas balance $34, bet $3.75, collected $12.75, net +$9 [ Js Jd ] [ three of a kind, jacks -- Ah,Js,Jd,Jh,Td ]


KK beaten on the very first hand.

cprhou, send me a link to your blog so I can check it out.


Back to the 'normal' 

I have finally finished posting my Key West Trip Report. I amended the last entry with the rest of the days. And I'm not all that impressed. Most of the entry was wiped out when Blogger died on me. So for those waiting, I apologize for the below average writing (which for me most be poor).

Now I can get back to normal. There are so many blogs that I've fallen behind in reading.

One blog that was pointed out to me was Wil Wheaton who once again pimps our guys Chris and Iggy.

Thanks to all 5 regulars who read this.

Now pass me the booze.


Thursday, April 22, 2004

Key West Trip Report 

Alcohol experts definition of binge drinking:

Binge drinking is drinking a large quantity of alcohol in a short period of time, usually for the purpose of getting drunk. Men who consume five or more drinks in one sitting, and women who consume four or more drinks in one sitting, one or more times within a two-week period are classified as binge drinkers. A frequent binge drinker is defined as a person who has engaged in binge drinking three or more times within a two-week period.

heh, bunch of light weights.

This trip to Key West was nothing short of Mardi Gras-style rowdiness in our own den of iniquity.

If you are offended by tails of debauchery, you are reading the wrong site. Included are (but not limited to), booze, strippers, booze, random defilement of stuffed primates, and really horrible poker playing.

If you can't handle that or have no desire to read it, you might want to click away now.

Go ahead, I'll understand.

Go play a game or check the news while the juveniles take a literary journey to the center of sin.

Day 1

The flight to Miami was uneventful (other than Landow practically breaking the armrest with his white-knuckle grip). We picked up our rented SUV and hit the road south to Key West. Generally we take a puddle jumper from Miami to Key West but some scheduling problems prevented this. I had never taken the long ride down.

After arriving in Key West, we waited an entire 30 minutes in the condo before we decided to hit the local strip club. Teasers. The sun was still up but the world was getting darker as we were about to sell our souls. Landow was the rookie of the trip and we wanted to get his first experience out of the way during the afternoon shift. No crowd and no pressure.

Teasers is not the best looking bar in the world. It's actually a dive. But the talent more than makes up for the setup. All the 'workers' are there on contract and work extra hard for their money.

First girl Landow sees, an adorable Latino named 'Isabella', he falls instantly in love. After some Jager-bombs and Amstels, he makes us promise to find her out at a regular bar during the night. She 'invited' him to join her and her friends for a birthday barhop. Then Landow proceeded to hand his paycheck over to her, $20 at a time.

Lewey was his typical self. Money was no option, the Bank of Lewey was open and the girls were making withdrawals. Lewey will only spend about 25% of his time with the general public at this place. The other 75% of the time, he's indisposed.

Me, I'm just biding my time. Just like the WSOP, you can't win it on the first day, but you sure as hell can lose it.

But Lewey paid the king of prices early on. He went forward to the altar, err rail, to tip the lovely Isabella. She was most grateful. She grabbed his head and shoved it south. Bending over him, she started rubbing his back. Lower and lower. I looked at Landow and thought, ah crap.

Isabella proceeded to reach into Lewey's pants.

And produce the most horrific atomic wedgy known to man. Sweet Jesus. He never saw it coming.

To add to the amusement, she did laps around the bar getting high fives.


Mrs. CantHang and Danielle show up to Teasers after their shopping spree so we head off to Duval St. in search of come 'clothed' debauchery.

While Lewey, Landow, and a very drunk Al search for the best pizza, the wifey and Danielle hit Irish Kevin's and instantly strike up a friendship with a bunch of rugby players. No offense to anyone reading this who happens to be rubgy a player. Rugby players make English soccer hooligans look like lil' church ladies on Easter. One particular brut took a liking to my beloved. He was a bald gentleman who looked like Jesse Ventura (pre-governor days) and Sgt. Slaughter. Big mean ugly thing with a protruding jaw that would rip my head off.

I'm listening to Sgt. Ventura talk to her and not being particularly subtle. Mrs. CantHang didn't seem to be bothered and was enjoying the free drinks. So nothing was said. I continued to get banged up and watch the crowd. Eventually, block-head crossed the line and I had to say something. Whether he was going to kill me, eh, we would soon find out. He said something along the lines of, 'If you weren't married, we'd be having sex right now". Now wait one second, lunkhead!

Ok, I didn't actually say that. I grabbed the man's shoulder and in my best "I'm a bad-ass biker" attitude, informed the knuckle-dragger that I was the husband and it might be in his best interest to back off.

Luckily, I still have full mobility and was able to enjoy the rest of my vacation.


It was a long day so we headed back to the condo around midnight.

Mrs. CantHang wasn't done so she dragged Danielle and Lewey out for more booze and fun. AlCantHang passed out on the couch.

Hey, it was a long day. Give me a break. The bender will continue.....

Day 2

Day2 would give us the first opportunity to play some poker.

Mrs. CantHang and company rolled in around 3am. I was up and moving by 11am. Around this time, a very pissed Lewey comes stomping down the stairs and heads right for the fridge. He grabs a beer and knocks it right back. Threw the bottle in the sink and grabbed another beer.

The reason for his anger? He woke up earlier than he wanted to and was hungover. He had two choices, struggle with the hangover or take care of it the best way possible. Start pounding.


Once Lewey is satisfied and everyone is moving, we divide up the chips and off we go. I managed to tread water for awhile until I pick up a killer hand. 35o. I made an incredible suckout on Landow on the river. heh. That was payback for earlier in the round.

The wifey made a pitcher of Margaritas which basically consisted of a half bottle of tequila and a little margarita mix. Not real complicated but very potent. Lewey had 3 of these concoctions (plus half of wifey's) and a 6 pack of Sam Adams. Just during the poker game. Somewhere along the line, I managed to take a huge pot off Lewey to double up my buy-in. And I have no recollection of what the hand was. Unfortunately, this would be the highpoint of my poker experience for the vacation.


After a couple hours of playing, we decide to hit Duval Street for some more bar time. First we hit the docks to pre-order our meal for fishing the next day (I don't know why Landow and Lewey bothered ordering anything, but we'll get to that later).

Then off to Irish Kevin's again. Lewey is completely obliterated and I'm not far behind. I've never been a good judge of other's intoxication when I'm pouring myself into various bars so I'm not sure how everyone else was doing.

This is when I meet the newest member to my bartender hall of fame. Gentleman, meet Ginger. Ginger instantly fell in love with MonkeyBoy (see previous post for an explanation of MonkeyBoy). The other girls in the bar gradually warm up to him.

Lewey and the girls decide they want to go find a restaurant for some seafood. Lewey, in his most subtle, screaming drunk voice, announces that "I want to eat the biggest bearded clams they have to offer". Now thank god that Ginger has a sense of humor because I'm not 100% sure Lewey knew what he was saying. Landow and I hustled Lewey and the girls out of the bar and sat back for a couple hours of peace, quiet, and booze galore.

Just for Iggy, we made sure the Monkey had plenty of Guinness. It was Irish Kevin's for godsake.


When they returned, we decided it was time to take MonkeyBoy to the strip club. He was in town for nearly 24 hours and had yet to partake. We weren't sure what kind of reception we'd get when 3 guys, a girl, and a stuffed monkey walked in the door.

But our worry was unnecessary. Once the girls found out the reason for the monkey, well, let's just say that MonkeyBoy was not bound by the same 'rules' as us humans. I'm fairly certain that a couple of times he was 'in' one. Mrs. CantHang even chipped in and talked one of the girls into taking some pictures after her shift. Landow could not contain the joy and insisted on taking the pics. Unfortunately, as they headed out after the shift, Mr Bouncer-guy pulled up and nixed the whole plan. !#$^#^%@. Sorry Grubby.

Lap dances, booze, and a whole lot of Monkey love were the theme for the rest of the evening. Landow managed to fall in love with a stripper. Again. Although he'll say he didn't. The girl Mary Jane was kicking his ass (err, or something close to it) and he kept going back for more. Certainly sounds like stripper love to me.

Lewey again spent 75% of his time away from prying eyes. (I wish I could tell the exact amount he spent in that bar during the week, but he'd kill me).

It's 3am and we have to be on the dock for our fishing charter at 7am. Pretty good time to call it a night.

My night-before fishing drug cocktail, guaranteed to keep you steady on the boat after a bender and 4 hour passout, was 1 Dramamine, 2 Zantac, 3 Advil. We will see the next day how everyone does.

Day 3

It's fishing day and I'm pumped, ready to go. The number 3 reason to go to Key West (one and two are booze and boobs). Lewey and Landow aren't looking so hot. I don't think they took my advice before crashing.

Online, I found the 'rules' to avoiding motion sickness while fishing. Let's see how Lewey and Landow's answers are.

1. Don't drink alcohol the night before. D'oh
2. Get to bed early. Well, 3am is early morning.
3. Take your Dramamine the night before. Neither followed my advice.
4. Eat a simple breakfast. Landow had a double bacon, egg, and cheese bagel. ouch.
5. Bring plenty to drink. Does beer count?
6. Watch the horizon. Does this look like he was watching the horizon?

I don't know if you can tell where this is going but Landow and Lewey didn't do a whole lot of fishing. Lotsa chumming, not much fishing. That opened it up for me and the wifey. We only stayed out for 2 hours and put 9 dolphin in the box. The first fish was in the boat before the second line was in the water.

Out of control, obvious pimping. If you are ever in Key West and want to fish, go see Captain Bennett Taylor of OuterLimits Sportfishing. No one works harder.

We even managed to land a triple with Lewey. Three dolphin hooked, worked, and landed at the same time. I was trying to explain it to a poker player who had never fished before. It's like flopping a Royal Flush and having the fish cap it all the way to showdown. Unbelievable.

I even managed to land this nice bull dolphin on 15lb test. He took nearly 30 minutes to get in the boat and he a lot of heart. Didn't stop me from eating him though.

Now if you look to the left in that picture, you will see Lewey. He wasn't doing so well so he excused himself to hit the head. We all pretty much knew what was happening but we had no idea. We found out later, that while Lewey was 'chumming', he experienced a MOBI.

Multiple Orifice Biological Incident.

I can say no more under penalty of death. But sweet jesus, the smell. Luckily, the monkey was no where in the vicinity.

Shortly thereafter, Landow gave up fighting the sickness and let loose. We were only 2 hours into an 8 hour charter and I made the call to the captain to head back in. We had 9 in the boat which is good for any trip. I've caught less in a 8 hour tour.

I've been sick on a boat before and it's pure hell. (of course, I was puking before I got on the boat). Lewey looked like he was ready to jump in the water and swim to shore. Landow's ass wasn't getting off the couch in the cabin.

We tipped the mate and gave him 7 of the fish to sell and took 2 home for cooking. We grabbed some huge ass steaks to go with them and we had ourselves a feast.

Unfortunately for me, after dinner we started playing poker again. My profit was about to disappear. Quickly.

Playing 5 handed, I felt very good about my T9h when my flush hit the turn. Just me and Lewey in the hand, no possible boats, and one of the hearts is a face. Anyone who has been reading my blogs, knows, absolutely knows, that I'm about to get bent over hardcore.

Raise, raise, raise, dammit. Lewey asks if he can go all-in and I tell him to pound sand and just call his last raise. Go ahead and take a guess what he was holding but it's still to painful to print. Let's just say both his cards beat my 10.

I was not to play another hand that night.


Around 11pm, Lewey and Landow decide to hit the strip club (luckily, two short blocks from the condo. So they drove). I stay home to spend some quality time with the wifey.

They were tired and swore to each other that they'd only stay until midnight. It's been a long day. Needless to say, they woke me up when they staggered in at 4am.

Day 4

LAST DAY! No time to eff around, it's the last day in Key West. It's time to take an already huge bender and turn it into a classic.

We shoo the girls off at noon to go souvenir shopping and we immediately hit the bottles. I've got more than half of my last bottle of SoCo left, Lewey has more the half a bottle of tequila simmering, and Landow is somewhere in the neighbor of a case of Amstel to the positive.

Shuffle up and deal, I'll get the booze.

We proceed to imbibe all the alcoholic beverages on the premises. And play some really horrendous poker. During this time, I start writing emails and chatting with Hank. Thanks, Hank, for reminding me in the comments that Lewey was beating me heads up. The lack of money at the end probably was a good clue also. My only fun hand during that time (that I actually, kinda remember) was going all-in with A4 against Landow's AT and catching my 4 on the river to stay alive. For a while.


When the girls show up after shopping, we are completely sloppy-ass drunk. Well, me and Lewey are, not sure about Landow. The SoCo and Tequila bottles are empty.

After dinner, we decide to take Danielle and Landow to see some of the island. We've been there 4 days and they've only seen the inside of bars. Sounds like a great vaca to me but I'm goofy like that. We dragged a passed out Lewey out to the truck and hit the Southernmost Point.

Then the barhopping started. First the Bull and Whistle to chill out on the balcony. Next up was the Bear Bottom (which conveniently had the Duval St. Teasers club upstairs, hhmmm). The girls and I head in to the piano bar(?), but poor Lewey has the stare of a man who sees his goal. He gives Landow a little smile, and up the stairs he runs.

Who the hell headbangs to a piano player doing Metallica? Apparently me.

And of course, back to Irish Kevin's where we meet some new friends and old friends. Even the monkey got laid. (Iggy, notice more Guinness!)

God bless Ginger. She really helps a bender along. This is what she called a shot. Every time it was close to the bottom, she would sneak up and refill it. When I finally saw the new 'shot', she would tell me the monkey ordered it.

After much boozing and partying, midnight rolls around and we celebrate the 12th hour of our last bender with shots and car bombs. It's really impossible to calculate how much we actually drank in that time but it was staggering. To humans. We were on a mission and were not going to stop until they made us.

We left the girls with the monkey at Irish Kevin's (with two guys pretending to be fighter pilots) and head off for the last 4 hours of boozing with the girls at Teasers.

We instantly piss off every guy at Teasers when they are left sitting by themselves. We put enough rent money in there, errr, pockets and it was our last night. They weren't even sniffing after money at that point. There was no need to chase. Lewey was throwing around lapdance money like it was confetti and Landow paid a girl to 'kick my ass'. She didn't kick my ass, but what she did kick wasn't far away from my ass. Damn that hurt. I managed to keep away from her the entire week but Lewey and Landow told her that if I tried to buy my way out, they'd double the money.

Lewey spent his required 75% away from prying eyes. I'm pretty sure he set the single day record for consecutive lap dances. Somewhere in the area of an hour straight. Paying per song.

Landow was unable to hang out with his beloved this evening but made up for it by sampling the lovely 'buffet' throughout the night.

Me, I just sat back and drank like the world was coming to an end. I remember at one point around 3am thinking I should stop since I have an 8am wakeup call for the flight out. Nah, we just kept knocking 'em back until last call at 10 of 4.

We made it back just after Mrs. CantHang got home in the taxi. So we all crashed and waited for the alarms.

Day 5

Nothing exceptional on the way home except for the WORST PUDDLE JUMPER FLIGHT in the history of aviation. I will never get on one of those friggin' things again.

Landow and Lewey were looking somewhat green in the airport but couldn't stop reaching for $20's every time a hottie walked by. They'd have to suppress this reaction back in civilization.

Day 6 and 7

The quote of the trip, "Don't eff with a bender!" was taken literally. We kept right on going once we got home and spent the last two nights at our local bar continuing the binge.

And Kevin was finally able to meet in alter-ego, MonkeyBoy.

Much boozing and carousing the entire night. The bender will continue with a marathon poker game at Lewey's tonight.

Good times, Good times.


I apologize for the late posting of this and the very crappy retelling. A huge chunk of this post was lost when blogger went tit's up and I can't make myself retype it.

I have posted pics from last nights binge. Enjoy.

Pics from the entire week with MonkeyBoy are already posted. Enjoy.


Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Key West Trip 

I survived and made it home successfully. No help from the worst puddle jumper flight ever.

I'm just going to type up one mammoth, Iggy-style, uber post with the pics and stories.

We capped it off yesterday with a 16 hour binge from noon to 4am with an 8am wake up call for the flight out. Good times, good times.


Monday, April 19, 2004

Key West update 

Sorry, no updates from Key West. I've either been too drunk or too hungover. Plus, it's tough to type with a boob in your mouth.

And to Grubby, yes, I have a picture with the monkey and the stripper. (Did you notice the pic of the monkey with The Hammer?) Everyone thank Mrs. CantHang for that one. The monkey made it to the strip club last night. The dancers were initially disturbed by the 3 guys and a girl walking in with a stuffed monkey but they relaxed once everything was explained. The monkey had more lapdances then any of us combined. Well, except for Mrs. CantHang, maybe.

Much too many things to write about so I'm just going to have to wait until I get back for a full recap.


Sunday, April 18, 2004

Day 1 report 

A big Day 1 MonkeyBoy post is on the way. Here's the preview.

1. Landow made the critical mistake of falling in love with a stripper.
2. I had the best pizza in the world at 4am.
3. The monkey stayed out longer than I did. With Mrs. CantHang
4. 4am debates about doing a cannon ball from the 4th floor into a 6ft deep pool. I swear I can do it.
5. I almost had to let a rugby player kick my ass.

Here's a quick pick of the monkey.

Other first day pics are here.

Big post coming shortly.